Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: See the list below...
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful; they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are anight person and mind your own business.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseballmanagers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away fromCra wfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeplybecause you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 31) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another one ..... what kinky mating possibility.
Posted by
Grim..., 20:19, 2nd August 2002:
Month One : Author - DJ Ess
Three men threw Princess Breasts into the dungeon. One stayed outside the big, wooden door, as if to dismiss any clever idea's she had, and the other two left. In the corner of the dungeon was a ragged, white-bearded man with tatty clothes. He had obviously been a prisoner for some time.
Princess Breasts started to feverishly search the walls of the dungeon, looking for a tell-tale crack or lever.
"It's useless to try and escape, you know, Princess." said the haggard man in the corner.
"It's try to escape, you idiot." sneered the Private-School educated Princess. "If I try and escape, I succeed. God, I hate you illiterates."
"An illiterate cannot read, Princess." said the haggard man. "I was merely being grammatically slack." He jabbed his middle finger in the direction of her Highness.
The Princess gave up, and sat down.
"Why are you here, anyway?" she asked the haggard man.
"I think it's because DJ Ess wanted to work in that 'grammatically slack' joke, and it wouldn't have been funny with only one person. It struggled enough with two."
"Ah, I see." She nodded understandably.
"Why are you here?"
"It's a long story." said Princess Breasts.
"We've got a long time." said the haggard man.
"Well…" begun the Princess.
Month Two : Author - Matt Laney
"Well…" begun the Princess. "It's because I wouldn't sleep with the Prince. So, well, not such a long story, really."
"You wouldn't sleep with you husband?" the haggard man questioned, sagely stroking his white beard.
"No, no, I don't have a husband. The Prince is my brother."
"Oh my god! Why would they have wanted you to sleep with your own brother?" asked the shocked haggard man.
"That's just the way things are done in Hazzard County."
"What? I'm in Hazzard County?"
"Well, yes'sir!"
"So you must be... Daisy Duke?"
"No, I'm Daisy's sister, Daphne Duke."
"You sure look like Daisy."
"I've got bigger boobs. That's why I'm also known as Princess Breasts."
"But who is the prince of Hazzard County? Surely the county is run by Sheriff Roscoe and Boss Hogg, not a monarchy?"
"Well..."
At that very moment (fortunately) they was the sound of a struggle outside the door.
"Bo? Luke? Is that you?" called out the Princess. The door swung open to reveal two men.
"You aren't Bo and Luke." said the Princess.
"Oh, my God!" said the haggard man. "It's... It's..."
"Who?" said the Princess. "Spit it out, Haggard Man!"
Month Three : Author - Ben Affman
"'Tis us."
"Gonorsan J and Taiwo P."
"Oh, thank God!" spluttered the Princess, gazing adoringly at the two rude-boy ninja's. "Have you come to get us out of here?"
There was a bright flash as Taiwo P's camera took a picture. The ninja's grinned.
"'Fraid not." said Gonorsan J. "We has only come to see your fabled tits."
"And may I say, day is wikkid!" pointed out Taiwo P.
"I is telling ya what," said Gonorsan J, "We will leave this door open for you. Shift this dead guard to prop it open, m'ninja."
"T'is sorted. Let's us go, m'ninja."
"S'later!"
"S'later!"
"Er, yeah." said the haggard man. "Bye."
Princess Breasts and the haggard man followed through the door, just in time to see the ninja mota' pull out into the road. An oncoming Dodge Charger swerved to avoid them and smacked into the solid wall of the cell. The two occupants flew through the wind(screen - DJ Ess) in an explosion of glass, and landed in a heap on the floor.
"Bo! Luke!" screamed Princess Breasts.
"I've never seen them get out of the General Lee through that window..." said the haggard man, stroking his beard.
"Come on!" said Princess Breasts, helping a groggy Bo to his feet. "Get this heap of shit running and let's go! We've got to get out of here."
A voice from behind them caused them all to jump.
"Maybe I can help..." It said.
Month Four : Author - Tim Bumbplick (Is that seriously your real name? - DJ Ess)
"Good God!" said Princess Breasts, "You're... Ash, the guy from Night Of The Living Dead one, two and three.*"
"Groovy." said Ash, nodding.
"How can you help?" the haggard man asked.
As if in answer, Ash turned to the General Lee, and, exchanging his chainsaw-arm for a panel beating kit, quickly repaired the damaged car.
"Groovy." he said, replacing his Chainsaw.
In they all jumped, and the General roared off.
Later, back at the Duke farm, the haggard man was talking to Bo Duke about his life in jail. Ash walked over to join them, having just finished being 'thanked' by Daisy Duke and Princess Breasts in the hay barn*.
"Groovy." said Ash, who looked tired but had a huge grin on his face.
"So, Haggard Man, exactly why were you in jail?" asked Daisy Duke, who was dressed as a schoolgirl*.
"Well..." began the haggard man.
Month Five : Author - Tony Yorke
"...I am a fuck-hard samurai from the fifth century. I may not look up to much but once I've had a shave I look well solid."
"Mmmff-mfffmm-muph." said Daisy Duke. Ash let go of her head and she emptied her mouth* and tried again. "Who is that?"
"Who?" said the haggard man.
"Mmmff."
Giving up, Daisy just pointed.
"My God!" shouted the haggard man, "It's Raxin-Fraxin*, the most evil and demented sorcerer in the universe!"
The haggard man leapt to his feet in a very fluid move, and ran toward Raxin-Fraxin. They engaged in a frantic hand-to-hand battle to the death, each one parrying the others blows.
After five minutes of frenzied battling, the haggard man called out to Ash.
"Can you help?"
Sighing, Ash pulled a shotgun from under the bale he was sitting on, and, pointing it over his right shoulder, blew Raxin-Fraxin's head off without looking.
"Groovy." He said.
"What did he want?" asked Princess Breasts.
"Well..." began the haggard man again.
So! WHAT was Raxin-Fraxin doing? CAN the dynamic foursome be beaten? And JUST WHAT is going to happen next month?
Send your contributions straight to DJ Ess and, if you want to win, make your stories funny, clean(ish), and try to leave them on a bit of a Cliffhanger. Can you also try to make them a reasonable length, I don't want to read an essay =] See y'all next month!