Posted by
Grim..., 13:46, 2nd September 2002:
How do you know when you are
really ugly?
Dogs shut their eyes whilst humping your leg =]
This scouser walks into the job center and says "have you got any jobs for me?"
The man replies "Funny you should ask, we had a call from the American ambassador this morning, he requires a Chauffeur to take his 18 year old nymphomaniac daughter to liverpool university each day, you get to drive an E class merc, you get your own uniform and starting salary is 200k per year. are you interested?"
The scouser says "your taking the piss!"
The man replies "You started it mate"
Posted by
Joh, 01:58, 3rd September 2002:
How many Country & Western singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2. 1 to screw it in, and 1 to sing about all the good times they had with the old lightbulb.
I digress...
Posted by
reitsma, 14:10, 3rd September 2002:
How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1, 2, 3, 4!
Posted by
chris, 16:08, 3rd September 2002:
A couple have been married a long time and its all gone a bit stale, so hubby decides to spice things up a bit and book a surprise holiday for his wife.
She comes home from work and he says " We are going on holiday tonight, I have arranged it all, you just need to go and pack some bits to take away"
She is delighted!! she rushes upstairs and hastily throws all her bikinis, sarongs and sun tan cream into a bag and runs back down to put it in the car......
She isnt so chuffed to find hubby strapping his fishing gear on the roof rack and goes into one...."you have to be bloody joking if you think I am going on a fishing holiday"
"Dont be bloody ungrateful" he says....."I have sorted all this out for you and all you bloody do is moan!!"
They row for a while and then he comes up with a solution........." I tell you what" he says....."I will give you a choice of three...you can either give me a blow job, take it up the arse or come on the fishing holiday...take your pick" she cant decide...so he says " right I am gonna take the dog for a walk and when I get back I want a decision" and off he goes
When he get back the wife has made up her mind..." I am not going on any fishing holiday and I am certainly not taking it up the arse so it will have to be the blow job"
Down she goes but immediately pulls off ...." JESUS CHRIST THAT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!" she yells
"Yeah, the dog didnt want to go fishing either" replies hubby...............
Posted by
ell, 18:06, 3rd September 2002:
*disclaimer for following joke: I disclaim you all*
Why do women have periods?
Because they
deserve them.
Posted by
zxenor, 04:40, 4th September 2002:
ell: how is that funny?
Posted by
ell, 12:27, 4th September 2002:
If you have to ask, you won't understand (or aren't twisted enough).
Posted by
Grim..., 13:47, 4th September 2002:
Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
Posted by
Sul, 18:20, 5th September 2002:
İ was walkıng down the road the other day when I saw a young gırl suckıng on a lolly pop. As I got closer I notıced that there was a lıttle haır on ıt so I saıd, 'Hello, youve got a haır on your sweetie', to whıch she replıed, 'I know, and I'm only 12'
Sorry braın not workıng ın proper manner
Posted by
ell, 03:35, 6th September 2002:
Sully in appropriate frame of mind, however.
an oldie but a goodie...
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Gifted/Pregnant
*Yes, I'm drunk, let the female abuse continue until they strike back! c'moooon!*
Whats the difference between Israel and Dwight Yorke?
Israel knew when to pull out of Jordan.
Posted by
saima, 15:18, 7th September 2002:
A man is invited to dinner at his boss's house. They're all sitting around the table when the boss's wife asks "Would you like some more potatoes?"
"No thank you," he says.
"There's no need to be polite, honest!"
"Okay. I don't want any you stupid cow."
Posted by
cal, 09:18, 19th September 2002:
why do women wear make up and perfume?
because they're ugly and they smell
Posted by
cal, 09:19, 19th September 2002:
come on girls, defend your corner!
Posted by
Uncle Moc, 09:52, 19th September 2002:
My favourite joke in the world...
What's the difference between a car, and a big pile of dead bodies?
Well, I don't have a CAR in my garage...
Posted by
Grim..., 15:44, 19th September 2002:
I've got the girls corner...
> > He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
> > in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
> >
> > He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you,I've wanted to make love to
> > you really badly.
> > She said . . . Well, you succeeded!
> >
> > He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
> > She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing
> > board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
> >
> > He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery
> > money I gave you?
> > She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
> >
> > He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
> > She said . . . I would but you're never there.
> >
> > On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere"
> > Written just below it . . . " I do not"
> >
> > Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
> > do the dishes?
> > A. Both of them.
> >
> > Q. Why did the man cross the road?
> > A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
> >
> > Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
> > A. They don't have time
> >
> > Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
> > A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
> >
> > Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
> > A. He buys two cases of beer.
> >
> > Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
> > A. The bonds mature.
> >
> > Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
> > A. So men can remember them.
> >
> > Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
> > A. We don't know; it has never happened.
> >
> > Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
> > good-looking?
> > A. They already have boyfriends.
> >
> > Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
> > A. A widow.
> >
> > Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
> > A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
> > Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
> >
> > Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
> > A. They're married.
> >
> > Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
> > God says: "So you would love her."
> > But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
> > God says: "So she would love you."
Posted by
Grim..., 15:47, 19th September 2002:
And if men ruled the world...
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a 'Cheers for the
sex - now fuck off' would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only occur in
leap years.
The only show opposite World Cup Football' would be 'World Cup
Football from a Different Camera Angle.'
Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.'
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.
When the Police pull you over, every smart-aleck answer you responded with
would actually reduce your fine. Example -
Cop: 'You know how fast you were going?'
You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.'
Cop: "Nice one, that's £20 off.'
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Every man would get four real 'Get Out of Jail Free' cards per year.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of
play.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response
to 'I love you.'
The funniest guy in the office would get to be the boss.
Sorry, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable excuse for
absence and/or poor time keeping.
Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.
Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.
'Fancy a shag' would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work
every time.
Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be
fined.
Saying 'Let's have a threesome. You, me and your hot sister' to your
wife/girlfriend would get the response, 'What a great idea'
Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.
Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the
opposite sex.
Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman would deliver two Swedish
milk maids.
When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide
down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flintstone.
Posted by
ell, 16:51, 19th September 2002:
Cal: rofl, that's great. :D I like that one. ^_^
Posted by
jeff, 10:47, 20th September 2002:
my favourite joke...
what would marilyn monroe be doing if she was alive right now?
clawing frantically at the lid of her coffin..
(works with any dead celebrity..)
> One day, a man walks into an antique shop. Looking around, he notices a
> life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The sculpture is so
> intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price.
> "£12 for the cat,sir," the shopkeeper tells him,
> "and £100 for the story that goes with it."
>
> "I'll take the cat," says the man, "but you can keep the story."
>
> The transaction completed, the man leaves the store with the bronze cat
> under
> his arm.
> As he crosses the street in front of the store, two cats emerge from an
> alley
> and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder,
> he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another alley,
> more cats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked
> two streets, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people are
> beginning
> to point and shout.
> He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of cats
> swarm from alleys, basements, and abandoned cars.
>
> Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the river at the
> bottom
> of the hill, he panics and starts to run full pelt.
> No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely,
> now not just thousands, but millions. He looks up and sees that he is
> running
> towards the edge of the River, and the trail of cats is now several
hundred
> yards long behind him.
>
> Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm
> while
> he hurls the bronze cat into the river. Clinging to the lamp post, he
> watches in amazement as
> the seething tide of cats surges over the banks into the river, where they
> drown.
>
> Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
> "Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the shopkeeper.
>
> "No," says the man, "I was wondering if you had a bronze Man Utd fan".