iamcal.com Since May 2000

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• Hello!

...That very few people know.

GO!

1) I am the British Champion at a PSX game called Bloody Roar II.
2) I am banned from setting foot on Lancaster University campus, or any of it's related bars / outbuildings.
3) I have incredibly short tendons in both hands - for instance, I am totaly unable to do a 'Scout Salute', but I can still press Left CTRL and Backspace with the same hand at the same time.

1. I had polio as a child and had to wear braces on my legs when I slept at night

2. That my biological father was an alcoholic

3. That I have a scar by my eye from were my dog bit me as a child. You can barley see it

1) Cal Henderson hasn't always been my name
2) I'm currently listening to The Flaming Lips
3) I love eating fruit

1. I suck my thumb when I am upset.
2. I hate the word "portion".
3. I want to live abroad.

1. As a child I met the Chuckle Brothers. I'm still in therapy. So are they.

2. I used to play the clarinet. I thought about taking it up again, cos I want to be Woody Allen.
I am already thin and have glasses, so am half way there.

3. I want to go and live in Canada. Cos it is near America if I wanted to visit. But I would be surrounded by people who speak proper english and like theatre. Plus I could go to the big Comedy Festivals (to practise for when I become Woody Allen)

What's wrong with "portion", Rosie?

1. My dad knew Francis Rossi from the Quo at school. Complete c*nt apparently (can't swear, at work). He also has contacts in the Mossad

2. One grandad was a close associate of the Kray Twins (he did their accounts I believe). The other grandad was friend with the King (Edward the 7th?)

3. I once got smacked full on in the nose by a vicar for throwing sugarcubes at a fat man

4. (Can I have four?) I have been banned from every library in every educational establishment I have attended. This doesnt include uni, as I never visit the library there as to hopefully break this tradition. Why this happens I dont know

Sad thing is, I'm not making this up, and there are more...

The word "portion" is absolutely revolting. I hate the way it sounds. PoRRRRRRRTion.

Yuk.

:-(

( i also dislike the word moist for some reason)

What's wrong with the chuckle brothers?? Comedy-wise they're up there with Kinison, Hicks and Bruce. On an off-topic note, does anyone remember that Chucklevision spin-off series where they dressed up as dogs, and, err.... that was it really. But it was good. Oh yes.

Rosie: Funny you should say that. I was just about to type in about how I also hate the word 'moist'. It's almost as bad as the sleaziest word ever: 'panties'.

*shudder*

computer went funny, posted twice... grr...

Moist... almost as infuriating as when companies rename much-loved brands to something REALLY POO. Kellogg's Choco Krispies anyone?? DIEDIEDIE!!!

moist is a funny word. it's impossible to say it seriously

I hate it whether it is used in a sexual way or for example MOIST toilet tissues, you know, in a non sexual way. I hate it.

you're right cal.

"I like her, she is waarwm"
Bo Selecta

that is going to be a phrase you heard all the time. like "suit you sir"

3 things 'bout me...

1.I can dislocate my thumbs at will with no pain.
2.I don't like my face without a beard.
3.I rebuilt my car in one year from scratch.

now you all know....

How do you go about rebuilding a car from 'scratch'?
Surely you can only build it from 'scratch'?

1. I've had brain surgery
2. I suffer from so many food alergies (shellfish, eggs, dairy) that it surprises even me that I'm overweight.
3. I have tried and failed to be a writer, musician, stand up comedian and doctor. I ended up being a programmer which I'm actually quite good at.

1) Me and a friend once got the hiding of our lives outside a pub by a shit load of pikeys and their girlfriends. I managed to get myself home blood pissing out of my nose, lips to rival Angelina Jolie and a chipped tooth. I cleaned the cut on the back of my head and then headed back out with the intention to beat my friend up for fighting like a girl!
2) While in Amsterdam I made a sex show performer write a postcard to my mother using only her vagina and a pen.
3) I'm currently considering a challenge from a friend to live soley on monster munch and lager for a whole week.

I love no.3 Sul - question is - would you survive?

I think you'd die of de-hydration.

I'm allowed to drink fizzy pop while in the office so thats ok

Sul- I think #2 is really cool. ( Thats how I'm gonna write out my christmas cards this year).

i hope we'll all be on your christmas card list. infact, that goes for everyone here

Grim, I'll scan the photos some time.
Its a case of buying most of the major body panels from VW and welding them to the very little that was left of the car.

I am making my own xmas cards this year, I have bought the glitter and card in the sale at WHSmith.

1. I had eye surgery as a child. (but still have 20/20 vision now)

2. I have a GCSE in dance.

3. It freaks me out that every time I send an email to anyone on the Brum Uni Skydiving list, I get one bounced back from the account of my predecessor who committed suicide a year ago. :-\

Rosie I know someone who hates both those words. But also booth, insert and pinky. How do you feel about these?

1) I know kung fu
2) I make awesome Fishermans Pie
3) I have a t-shirt that says 'eat my fuck'

1) I lie (mildly) at eye tests because i fancy myself in glasses.

2) I was a Synchronised Swimming Champion (dont laugh, and dont take the piss, its a surprisingly hard sport)

3) I wish I was left handed, because i like querky-ness

angel: U wear glasses even though you dont need them?. Thats gotta hurt

glasses are cool, they make people look intelligent.

apart from on your picture. they make you look like someone who has just stolen someone elses glasses for a laugh. ::)

Yeah?, thanks man, post a pic of yourself so this can be a fair fight.

no no, i dont actually have any prescription ones. my sunglasses are quite pale, so i can wear them all summer, even when its not particularly sunny.

i havent had an eye test in a while, and i didnt lie enought last time.

1) In school I once threw a table on two boys sitting in front of me who were playing tag. They were jogging my table so it was justified.

2) I absolutely despise the word cunt.

3) I shaved my left eyebrow off because I didn't know what a razor was.

1) I was East Anglian Cocktail Barman Champion.

2) I can hurl without being sick.

3) I was the youngest Bar Manager in the Country aged 17.

isn't hurling without being sick called retching?
sorry chris, but unless its not, most people can do that, so you're going to have to think up another 'special talent'-y thing.

:P i meant the sport hurling see.... mwa ha ha ha haaaaaaa!!!!!!

:( I'm a filthy cheat...

1)I've got scars on my eyeball from where it was cut open for surgery
2)related: I have perfect vision in my right eye and am incredibly short sighted in my left..
3)I've broken someones leg and someone elses foot
[ 4) today i saw eddie izzard in starbucks!! ]

jeff. You really saw Eddie Izzard? thats so cool.

One thing that makes it less cool is that he was in StarSucks. and even less cool cos you were is StarSucks too.

Oh well. Down with Captialist Pigs. etc.

Looking on the bright side, at least it wasnt McDonalds.

Did you say anything to him then?

[4) last night I had to pay a £50 cab fare home because I missed my last train pathetically chatting up another American barmaid]

And Nick Cotton from Eastenders has started drinking in the pub I go to from work. I dont know how he can show his face after what he did to Ashley.

chay: i had a macdonalds yesterday! so did chris!

cal: Grrr. McDonald's kill children for fun.

And that's a fact. Its the Corperate America equivalent of fox hunting. They ship over a load of third world kids. set them loose on a big custom built island off the florida coast, and then chase after them in golf buggies with massive custom built weapons.

Or something like that.

it's not as if i'd go there by choice. only when there's no alternative.

there must be a mcdeath alternative somewhere.

we were forced to - money and time constraints - better then eating moldy hotdogs at the cinema...

as chris said - nowhere else we could get to in time.

but as always, i avoided eating meat there. yuck!

"but as always, i avoided eating meat there. yuck!
"

glad to hear it :)

i wasnt in starbucks!! merely wandering past. i've only ever been in a starbucks once and that was to use the loo. I havent been inside a macdonalds/burger king/kfc for about 2 years now.
sorry. just clearing my name there.
shame on mr izzard though.. my best friend's uncle used to be his roadie, she's drunk champagne with him... grrrr

Hooray! :) I was really disappointed when you said that you saw him in Starbucks. I just assumed the worst. I'm really pleased now jeff. Thank you.

Ugh, it's practically trendy to complain about US commercialism these days... frankly, it's the age of consumerism, and Starbucks, McDs etc wouldn't survive unless they were really wanted by the public. :P I'm not a fan of planet-raping conglomerates either, but I still eat there.

1) I have had my appendix out ... twice.
2) Bill Clinton once offered to buy me a beer - but I was only 19 and you have to be 21 to drink here.
3) I have university degrees in journalism and archaeology, but I build Web sites now.

I am an American and I hate American consumerism. There is no escaping it, either. I was in China last year and there were McDonalds and Kentucky Frieds everywhere. The funniest part was that they made Col. Sanders (the kfc guy) Asian on the signs. :)

"I'm not a fan of planet-raping conglomerates either, but I still eat there."

So, you are a fan of planet-raping conglomerates.

They only remain open because people are as apathetic as you and too lazy to find somewhere decent to eat.

MsMissy: How is the hell can you have your appendix out twice? Did they put it back again? Or did God bequith you with two of man's most useless organs?

"They only remain open because people are as apathetic as you and too lazy to find somewhere decent to eat."

That's just crap i'm afraid. Whilst counter-culture is growing, it's not very big in the grand scheme of things. Most people go and eat at mcdonalds because they like the food and the price. Not everyone knows or cares about the business practices of huge corporations. The reason corporations like this are sucessful (and think about this) is because they have millions of loyal customers. Not everyone hates them, otherwise they wouldn't exist.

So what's so bad about starbucks that isn't (indirectly) bad about any other coffee house? Perhaps it's the fact that they directly invest in their coffee growers, unlike smaller competitors who buy their coffee from whatever wholesaler is selling it cheapest. Unless you grow and eat only your own food, then you are always guilty of ripping off some farmer somewhere. Larger corporations are often less vile than the smaller ones - just on a larger scale.

Burger King owns McDonalds, anyway...

Cal is totally right with his last comments. Small businesses often have scary environmental policies, but large ones are actually quite good, but do it on such a huge scale that it gets noticed.

Just imagine if Burger King had the same policies as your local kebab shop - cats would be extinct =]

"but large ones are actually quite good"

Hahaha. Thats so funny! Yeah good environmental policies my arse. I've never heard anything so ridiculous.

"Not everyone knows or cares about the business practices of huge corporations"

So you are saying that not everyone cares, so they go to McDonalds, so it remains open. which is exactly the same as me saying that people are apathetic. so in what way is my statement crap?

And thats EXACTLY what I meant by apathetic. people who dont care, and do just go there cos they want "cheap" "food"

"Burger King owns McDonalds?"

Really? Isn't it the other way round.
I honestly didnt know that.

Not that I would visit either.

I know a lot of people that arent too keen on the food in macdonalds etc yet still eat there because its cheap and always there, i.e. they're too lazy to go anywhere else. They also complain about big corporate whore companies and think they're very 'right on'. However there are a lot more people who dont care/know about corporate policy and perversely LIKE the taste of that filth... I say eradicate free health care for the fat bastards who eat macdonalds every day... it'd be like natural selection, eventually they'd die out and macdonalds would have no customers... It would also eradicate the population of leicester, which, short of bulldozing the entire city, would be the best thing that ever happened to the place.

oh and starbucks 'fair trade' coffee is just a token thing... besides, they're crippling other businesses in the uk with their aggressive marketing - move into a town, open about fifty coffee shops, wait till the smaller independant shops are starved of business and go bust, then close all but two.
costa coffee are great. but then i never go to coffee shops because i hate coffee and i'm a poor student.

Hooray for Jeff!

I like you more and more each day. :)

When I said Burger King owns McDonalds, I meant in a kind of taste way, like "Burger King is better than McDonalds".
Just one of the points you have appeared to miss...

Aren't Burger King British now?? I think the Forte Group or Whitbread bought them out a few years back..

As we're *completely* straying away from the original topic, how about going on another tangent.
What's the best name ever seen as a name for a burger/kebab shop?
My favourites are "Fried Chicken.com" in Leicester and "Burger Chicken" in Bristol

Yum Yums in Newcastle.

Grim...: Uh, yeah, rock on dude, not. who the hell talks like that anyway. "Burger King like, owns McD's ass dudes."

When you say Burger King owns McDonalds, I was under the mistaken impression that you weren't being a muppet.

jeez

Leicester is also home to "Best Kebab House". Its owner must be quite meek and understated ;)

Oi! Bing!
Ease up!

I happen to talk like that. Thank you.

Hehe, sorry Grim... (PS why are you called Grim dot dot dot anyway?)

Isn't it "Grim dot dot dot dot"??

Sorry.

nope its Grim Dot Dot Dot followed by a comma :)

Oh yeah...
Maybe "Grim" is an acronym, like, errr... Gary's Rat Is Manly...

Maybe not.

"Grayson Revels In Mincing"????

I'll stop now.

Okay, here comes the old Grim... story.
It's my handle for Counter Strike.
My CS handle used to be Grim Reaper. Then, when I started my clan, another guy joined called Grim Reaper. So I became Grim... and he became ...Reaper. When he left I was going to switch to 'Grim' but there are so many other people with the handle 'Grim' that I decided to keep the '...' for individuality.
And remember, kids, that's what a net handle is all about - individuality =]

very nice

Grim...: They left a piece of my appendix in the first time by mistake, so a year later after much unexplainable pain, they figured out that I had to get it out again. Talk about being Grim... I was very Grim...

Big corporations kill the planet!
Matt is an idiot because he uses common Internet colloquialisms! Who the hell talks like that anyway?
People who eat McDonalds are selling their souls!

I won't make another comment about it being trendy to diss mainstream culture, but I was just wondering if you have much Goth-wear, Chandler? Y'know, rebelling against the idea of trendy mainstream culture by joining ANOTHER trendy mainstream culture? -_-

I have no shame in admitting that I eat macdonalds, burger king, kfc and every other mainstream eatery. I am lazy and apathetic. I am also pathetic. Why cant people accept me for who I am: a consumer monkey.

I'm with Sul on this one.

I eat all of the above, I drink in Starbucks, and I believe in big corporate companys crushing away smaller stores.

Yup. Big companies = cheaper products for me =]

"I won't make another comment about it being trendy to diss mainstream culture

I wish it was more trendy. if it was as trendy as say Robbie Williams then maybe something would get done.

I have been against such companies for as long as I can remember, I'm not jumping on any bandwagon.

"but I was just wondering if you have much Goth-wear, Chandler?"

God no. Why would you confuse enviromentalsts with goths? I assume we are talking the twats who dress all in black cos they have delusions that they are being unique? I wasnt aware they had any particular environmental stance.

"Y'know, rebelling against the idea of trendy mainstream culture by joining ANOTHER trendy mainstream culture? -_-"

I am with you on this one. I hate it, "oh look how alternative we are, rebel, rebel." Its sad isnt it. they blatantly want to belong to a group. with their silly hair and studs.

If they really wanted to be diferent then they should wear what they like, not what fashion or stupid sub groups dictate.

I tend to wear jeans and a shirt, not in a Gap way, just cos they are comfy, and I think that is fine.

what a load of rubbish.

"Goth's" dress that way because they LIKE to dress that way, they like to be a little different, they like what they look like. That's not jumping on any bandwaggon

"they like to be a little different"

Thats the point, they arn't being a little different. They are being exactly the same as all the others. How many goths do you see over the age of 30, comapared to the number you see going through the "goth phase" age 19?

Hardly any over 30. its a phase.

"Come on aboard I promise you, you wont hurt the horse. There's plenty of room on the BandWagon..do do do..." ah an REM classic. :)

When I grow up I'm gonna get a Kebab house, calling it "Kebabylon".

and how many people do you see in jeans and t-shirt compared to people dressed in goth (anywhere other than Camden, anyhow)

"and how many people do you see in jeans and t-shirt "

I'm not trying to be unique or different. I just wear what is comfortable. I'm not denying that there are more people who wear jeans and T-shirts. Just saying that if goths are trying to be "different" then they have failed. if they are wearing studs and all black because it is more comfortable then that is fine. I love to watch the goths sweat buckets in the summer and to hear about the pus oozing from their latest piercing. But maybe I'm just sick

Having said all that: Goth Chicks are hot!

yes goth chicks are hot. I think its to do with my assumption that they are all pure filth in bed. Although I have gathered no evidence to support this.

i think its the dog collars with the studs on that do it for me.

goth chicks are NOT hot

anyway cahy, what i meant was that people can't be apathetic if they're

a) not aware of it
b) don't think it's actually as much of a big deal as you say

that's not apathy. some people care but don't agree with you. or something

Goth is a style ....

People have differnt reasons for dressing the way they do.

They are no differnt from anyone else. They come from all walks of life and there are some goth people over the age of 30. I know quite a few of them. The goth scene is really big here in Washington DC.

I hang out with them myself ... but it doesn't make me Goth.

Went to a goth club Thursday and Saturday Night. Really interesting people once you get to know them.

It is more then just wearing black. If you are comfortable then that is all that matters.

You can see pictures on my website, although they won't be posted until tomorrow.

Are you mad cal? How can goth chicks not be hot? :-)

Sul - I have evidence, she was, however an ugly goth chick :-(

Oh yeah, forgot about her

Mmm... Goth chicks...

Cal snogged a goth chick once, although she wasn't in her goth-getup at the time...

"that's not apathy. some people care but don't agree with you. or something"

Those are the people I like to argue with.

cal you are the voice of clarity. hmm

I'm going to get a jacket with "Born to Argue" on the back.

Nah, "Tries To Argue" suits you better =]

hohoho.

I really need one that says "Always Right" on the back.

Cal snogged a goth chick once

err, who are you talking about? is this annabel or lindsey per chance?

Hang on!
You snogged Lindsey?

err, yeah.

When?

Chandler :I love Mcd's,BK,KFC,Pizza hut. i dont give a flying about the planet because at the rate i smoke and drink its not going to be a concern for me anyway.

Consider it a pre-emptive strike on our children "your just an old bastard dad", "Oh yeah, going out son? dont forget your factor 50000 and gas mask hehehehe"

Global warming causing the oceans to rise?, don't like the Dutch and Belgians anyway

Tuna caught with dredging nets DOES taste better than dolphin friendly tuna.

Corporations destroying the rainforest? Ive been to the rainforest, it deserves all it gets, nasty horrible place

If i owned a Kebab shop i would call it "AbraKebabra", not only does it sound suitable but the name implies that the kebabs are in fact, magic

My name in counter-strike is "Hungry Joe"


Goths, they do it to piss their fathers off.

grim: when i was in the upper sixth. we went out a couple of times

Victor: Well that about wraps it up for the Earth. :)

That's pretty much my (bad) attitude, too.
If my grandchildren can't breathe bacause I hammer about in a 2.7V6 car, do I care?
Fuck 'em.
I'll be dead by then.

And I hate people that whinge about passive smoking.
Oh so your smoking my fag are you? Well, don't worry, I won't charge you =]

Hhwhwankerghnr

let me know when you get admitted for lung cancer, I'll come and visit, dressed up as a clown. I'll even bring a little car, and later park it on your grave. :)

Hey I dont mean it. I just like to court controversy

ok, i'm not all good.. i bought things from gap today.. i feel so guilty. I also let my friend drink non fair trade coffee... he happens to be a goth.. i love him in spite of it ;) he's also a satanist.. he's one of the nicest people i know. goth chicks are hot. i'm gonna be a goth chick on halloween.. but just for halloween mind.
people who LIKE the taste of mcdonalds etc should try and stop eating it for a few months... then they'll find the smell truly sickening... go eat some proper food...
i hate passive smoking, thats why i pick friends who dont smoke. we dont even let my mum smoke in the house.
everyone should go buy diesel cars and then run them on vegetable oil... it solves the pollution problem and everywhere will smell like chip shops and people will feel so ill from the smell (like when you visit cadbury world, chocolate is the LAST thing you want to eat) and macdonalds and other grease mongers will go out of business. Its cheaper too... and well, i was going to mention something else to do with oil and fuel and men who are too powerful for their own good but we all know where that topic of discussion leads...

oh god. too much alcohol.... too.much.

"like when you visit cadbury world, chocolate is the LAST thing you want to eat"

Sorry, but you're waaaaay wrong. I live within walking distance of Cadbury's World, and I make at least one visit every fortnight to stock up. Went for the tour round the place (again) the other day too!

Chandler: I don't care if it's for lung cancer celebrations, there's NO excuse to get dressed up as a clown. :-S Clowns are among the most evil, frightening things on the planet! Burn them all!

Jess said of vegetable oil: "Its cheaper too"

because it's not taxed. it would screw the economy completely (and it's illegal).

Jess also said: "when you visit cadbury world, chocolate is the LAST thing you want to eat"

you're on crack! i love going to cadbury world and eating until i'm sick. it must be time for another visit

"And I hate people that whinge about passive smoking.
Oh so your smoking my fag are you? Well, don't worry, I won't charge you =]"

There is actually a new product on the market to cure this completely. It requires a small amount of cunning though. You must approach the person smoking in the socially unacceptable place (i.e near me) and tap them on the shoulder. When they turn around you simply punch them in the throat. All the years of smoking have had a toll on their breathing anyway and it's really funny to watch them fight for breath as you hammer your point home by kicking them in the kidneys.

I know it's a bad habit and all but I'm not charging them for it....and they usually recover ;)

jeff, those are some great ideas. :)

ell: ok, maybe not a clown, how about a french mime? :) with a stripy jumper and white face. That would be more respectful. :P

ilovebeerme: Thats great, works better than a nicorette patch, and more fun for you. :)

Why does everyone pick on the smokers? We're not all bad :(

Saying that, I moved some stuff last night and breathed in a cloud of dust or something. I'm pretty sure I accidently made a mild form of anthrax, my lungs are killing this morning, I cant handle a ciggy!

maybe it was asbestos

(I cant spell)

Asbestos? aren't they those big birds?

Ilovebeerme: I can assure you that somewhere between starting your move to "simply punch them in the throat" and finishing it, you'll be laying on the floor wondering why your arm hurts so much.
And, because I would have been forced to block off with a cigarette in my hand, you'll probably have a burn somewhere too.
This theory is kinda ruined if the smoker doesn't do Tae Kwon Doe, but hey, I can't wait to for you to try that on me in a pub =]

Tae Kwon Doe is no good against a man with a gun. Thats where a lot of these martial arts fall down a bit. Hi....ya, bang. thud.

It was actually a joke but since were into some manly postering.... Yeah I did Tae Kwon Do for a while before taking up Kung Fu. Kung Fu would most definitely have the edge in a throat strike due to the fact that tae Kwon Do is at least 70% leg work. Awesome leg work though. Oh and i've never hit anybody in a pub so it is unlikely to happen.

I have snatched a ciggy straight from the lips before though, however, the coolness was cut short by the fact that it ended up falling in my drink. Like a cross between Lee and Chaplin. : )

Grim is tough

Never really tried Kung Fu - I've done Karate, Kickboxing and Tae. Kung Fu is a bit 'one strike' for me - it seems to follow the formula "If they do this then you do that - whoever does it best is going to win". Karate has a nice balance, Tae, as you say, teaches you phenominal leg skills (I can now kick my 6'7" mate in the face on demand =] ) and kickboxing is so wonderfully offensive it just has to be learnt.
I am red sash in Kickboxing - what grade are you in Kung Fu?

If he says 'Dan' I'm fetching my coat =]

I'm a green sash in Lau Gar Kung Fu and the equivilent in Kick Boxing which we use for light continuous sparring. My kicking skills were never great in Tae Kwon Do do to the fact that I'm 6'2" and was just over 18 stone when doing it. I've lost over two stone now though and it's working out better in Kung Fu. Alot of power is sacraficed for speed at the beggining though until you learn the techniques well enough to combine the two.

It depends on the style of Kung Fu too. There are no set responses to any attacks in the style I do though. We learn basic and complex hand and kick blocks yes, but there is no formula to how you respond with these (when you get good enough). I'm a long long way from being that good. If your after a 'one strike' martial art have a look at kempo. That is a case of you offended me, now you are dead. Very reactionary and violent as hell. Scary bunnies.

I know Kung Foo.

And also there is no spooooon

cal, its not illegal to use vegetable oil if you declare it and pay tax on it... and its still cheaper... and the whole world would smell of chiiiiips... mm ..
daddy or chips?
i'd love to learn kung fu or kick boxing.. only i have the physical strength of a new born foal.. i cant even lift my own body weight.
grim, how many chin ups can you do?
(ps apologies for drunken posting last night)

You dont need physical strength. That will come as you train. Go for it, it's fun.

I dont want to go to the xmas party now. People want to beat me up as soon as I spark up :(

"Tuna caught with dredging nets DOES taste better than dolphin friendly tuna."

Soooo true!

Chandler: French mimes are just to be pittied as the lowest form of artistic expression. Annoying fuckers.

Sul+Cal: We should go to Cadbury's world instead! The VERY minimum distance for me to travel. :D

ell: But which is a better sight, a burning clown or a drowning mime?

a burning clown?! are you kidding! Imagine a clown on fire running at you, laughing manically! Its too scary!

ok, well drown the clown and burn the mime then. actually it would be nteresting to see if the mime screamed or not.

and drown the clown rhymes too
mine the mime?

or to be really nasty and rhyme too: QuickLime the Mime

Jeff :Chin ups? I dunno - I'll give it a try in the smoking room soon =]

As for not wanting to learn, Beer is quite correct - you don't have to be strong - in fact, far from it - you "Use the opponents strength to your advantage".

yeah but you even sneeze in my general direction i'll a)fall over and b)get some sort of virus that causes me to throw up for an entire weekend. I'm so scrawny i could have your eyes out with my hips... hmm maybe that could be some sort of new move... PELVIC NINJA!!
Clowns are eeeevil...i have a toy one that plays the creepiest tune... so i recorded it, slowed it down and added echo and made it creepier for my sound project... i could play it when we burn the clown and push him in sul's general direction...

"some sort of new move... PELVIC NINJA!!"

that's something else all together

jeff. I would like nothing better than to spend an evening burning clowns with you.

(arn't I romantic)

:)

You don't look too scrawny from your picture. You would do just fine. The instructors daughter kicked my ass and she is 4 years younger and about 7 stone lighter than me.

(She is also much better and I wasnt allowed to headbutt or clothesline her. Tchhhh!)

"that's something else all together"

hmmm, i feel the premise for a new porn movie coming on... "pelvic ninja, she can reduce men to tears in seconds..."

as for the scrawn... picture this body mass distribution.. 5'9" weighing 8 stone... = scrawn. erk

and picture it with clothes on cal!

thanks for reminding me jess - i always make that mistake

Hehehe =]
Seriously, give it a go. I've only been doing it for about a year, but it's great fun =]

Cal - what is meant to happen when you click CSS (below)?
I get an error.

In fact, wierd things happen on all of them =/

someone's posted some dodgy code somewhere on the page, so this doesn't validate. try the links from another page...

amusingly, the offender was me, in this post:
www.iamcal.com/topic.php?id...

*dies laughing*

sorry, alcohol + the word 'offender' has me in stitches... the phrase "repeat offender" causes much hilarity here, especially when watching Pinks' 'like a pill' video... y'know the guy in the garden with her half way through? HE'S a "repeat offender". :D

My favourite sandwich is tuna mayonnaise and pickle

I like star wars, but secretly think the reason its so good is that its so shit.

For a brief period of time, I thought moonraker was the best bond film

tuna mayonoaise and pickle?! That's just weird!

moonraker the best bond film?! That's just weird!

Mmm Marmite, Peanut Butter and Mustard =]
Try it!

fishfinger sandwiches are one ot the best things ever(tm)

Here! Here's 'the repeat offender' himself on the left!

Fishcake sandwitches also work well.

ps. Starwars, shit?

moist portion.. hehe

"i think its the dog collars with the studs on that do it for me."

I have several of those

whooooooooooooo. :D

I assume you resurected this thread so that you could laugh at my wit?

Or my skill at creating interesting threads...

3 more things...

1) I can name every corner of Silverstone Race Track
2) I own my own business
3) I once drove a McLaren F1 GTS. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

hehe @ illicit crisps (from the post-void)

*bump*

*click*

*whirr*

Oh shit. Doc's got the remote again.

Anyone think Cal should revoke the posting rights of anyone who brings up old threads for no good reason? :|

i like reading the old threads.

Nah. They are amusing.

KFC Grim...! Why not take him out back and shoot him?

woo, I'm a bit late, but:
1. I was born with two left thumbs. One was removed when I was a few months old, and the main one's little tendon thingie was cut out, so it was somewhat permanently bent at a 90 degree angle. I had surgery on the main one in my early teens, during which the doctors fused the two smaller bones together. Now it looks pretty normal, and most people don't notice unless they see the small scars or the bump from the extra thumb.
2. I'm afraid of climbing ladders. Absolutely hate them. I even get nervous on stepstools :p The second floors of wooden houses also bother me...too much creaking and the feel of wood giving way beneath my feet is unsettling. However, I'm not afraid of heights. I've been to the very top of the Sears Tower and thought it was great :)
3. I've never been on an airplane of any sort, but would love to learn to fly one someday.

You win on the weirdness stakes.

Shame you didn't keep the extra thumb, really. Think of the money you could have made as a world class harp player.

I don't mind the old threads coming up. We, and more particularly, the longer lasting regulars, should be proud of the history of this site. It is pretty much all of good quality banter and humour. After all, respect for the past and your history is what makes every civilization strong, isn't it? It takes an old thread to restore your sanity after we have had a flurry of nob-jockeys posting stupid stuff on the site. Kind of like when you start to despair for London's architecture upon seeing the Gherkin/Dildo office block, you can go and look at St Pauls, and Westminster and it restores your faith in the beauty of the place.

Or something. I appear to be in a strangely philosophical mood this morning... if I'm not careful I may end up being nice to someone... and that wouldn't do, would it?

1. i have CFS and my blood cells are so interesting that i once spent 3 months in SF as a test subject for HIV reseach.
2. i was accepted for an MA in my second year at university, but 10 years on i have yet to finish the stinking BA
3. i am scared by the concept of brock being nice

so was I :(

1. I am an arsehole. (can i start again?, you all knew that)

1. I have an arsehole.

oh. Guess you all knew that, too.

1) I can't stick out my tongue properly (it's attached to the bottom of my mouth by a little bit of something that's supposed to break when you're 12, but mine's just too strong)
2) I once broke someone's finger with a rounder's bat (they were hitting me on the head with their's at the time, so I thought it was justified)
3) I once broke my own thumb trying to load an air rifle (As I was cocking it *snigger* the barrel swung back and smacked my thumb)

"by a little bit of something that's supposed to break when you're 12"
Eh? Really? I have that too. I just thought I had a short tongue though.

Thereby, both of you, reducing your chances of pulling women massively by admitting your tongue shortcomings in a public forum... No woman likes a short tongue.

I, on the other hand, had a painful time at the age of 12 when that bit you are referring to broke somewhat more than it should have. It also had the astonishing side effect of allowing me to breathe through my ears. What are the chances, eh?

Helloooooo ladies. ;D

Ooh i didnt know that bit was supposed to break either, that explains my short tongue...

Same here, although I've had no complaints from the ladies. Just lots of fingernail marks in the headboard on my bed...

clawing to escape after the chroloform wears off were they?

Ooooh, Burn! No, wait, you were puttine ME down! Heyyyyy!

The 2 (yes, only 2) ladies in question were found sobbing in the middle of the road by Police, claiming a mild headache and no recollection of events for the last 45 seconds.

Police were quoted as saying they believed the attacker was a "Young stick, weighing about 3 stone, wearing glasses. He can be easily recognised by his propensity to approach ladies with a damp handerchief smelling of chemicals, and brandishing a copy of "Love Tunes" by Robert Miles, the sometime-in-the-90's two hit wonder."

Whilst not described as dangerous, officers warned that the young stick could be considered "Laughable".

k, I am way late but
1) I love Harry Potter (pathetic I know) I have read all the books twice and can't wait until the 3rd movie comes out
2)I have never had sex with a guy (or a girl for that matter), however everyone thinks I am a freak (I am a closet freak, I think I have to get it on a few times to qualify as a complete freak), and if I tell them I'm a virgin they are shocked.
3)I want to get my clit pierced (as I said I am a closet freak) .

my address is on the contact tab at the top of the page....

=]

1. I used to be a gymnast and trained with people that went to the Olympics.
2. Apparently I have the reactions of an F1 driver or a pilot.
3. I have a mild obsession with song lyrics, in particular Muse and Hoobastank.

1. Doc has the remote control!
2. Vic, there is a Kebab shop called AbraKebabra in the fair city of B & H. By all accounts, it's anything but magic.
3. The other day I managed to get hold of a big silver tray that was covered in cold cooked sausages. Not wanting to eat any myself (being dirty, and meat products, etc), I ran around the house at a medium-speed pace, offering them to people with a slightly high pitched enquiry; " Tray of meat ?" " Tray of meat ?" and allowing people to take sausages at their will. Suddenly, I slip over, possibly on a patch of vegetable oil that has leaked from a car engine. Crunch. Same high pitched voice; "Oh. Floor of meat ? Floor of meat ?" . Alas. They all got finished though...

Benson and Hedges has it's own city?

Shows what manufacturing death in a packet can do for you huh!

I wonder if the normal factory chimneys are all just massive cigarettes smoking away so that the general public don't have to buy cigarettes to inhale smoke. Oh wait we're forced to inhale other people's smoke anywhere in Britain already right?

Right, but don't worry - us smokers won't charge you =]

O yeah.. to celebrate Brighton and Hove becoming a city, they made a big flower design, you know, when you plant flowers to spell out a message.. well this was just a big old B&H in flowers as you drove into the city.. it was amazing...

PASSIVE SMOKING MAKES YOU LOOK PASSIVELY COOL!!!

I'm glad you won't charge me for the smokers that help shorten my own life Grim... =]

I hope England follows suit and they make smoking in public places illegal like in Ireland. When I went to Manhattan it was great, you could actually breathe AND see across the bar.

It would be quite funny if he did...

1. I was a vegetarian for 10 years
2. I used to smoke
3. I have a spider phobia

I'd pay someone to stop smoking but most people are too weak to quit so I think my money is quite safe.

Well done on quitting smoking syl!

Yeah, thanks! It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm on my fourth year now.

1. I have 2 fairly well known ancestors, Stan Laural and G S Ohm.
2.I am a fanatical Sunderland supporter.
3.I have 5 kids, 3 of my own and 2 borrowed.

4. I slept in the park the other night and woke up covered in dew.
5. Vegetable Oil is good. Not offering health care to the self inflicted sick is stupid.
6. Smokers are often more interesting people because they're 'living on the edge'.

also, they can rent their lungs out as tea bags

Tea bags, as in the round/square/pyramid shaped things that contain tea, or as in the ones that they put tea in?

Would the second of those not be differentiated by being referred to as 'sacks', Mocster?

1. I detest the state of Tennessee, and I cross it out with a big "X" on all my maps.
2. I've been a vegetarian my entire life.
3. I once mistook a piece of styrofoam for a decaying head. It wasn't made to look like one...I wasn't wearing my glasses.

I didn't mean the ones the slaves use to take the tea off the plantation, I just meant the ordinary PG tips bags, but without the tea inside.

ie; Q. Does smoking make your lungs contain tea?

you'd think so, from the taste of some of them

You eat lungs?

Tae Kwon Do for a while before taking up Kung Fu. Kung Fu would most definitely have the edge in a throat strike due to the fact that tae Kwon Do is at least 70% leg work. Awesome leg work though.
Grim..., 11:12 22 October 2002 :
...Karate has a nice balance, Tae, as you say, teaches you phenominal leg skills
ilovebeerme, 11:21 22 October 2002 :
...My kicking skills were never great in Tae Kwon Do do to the fact that I'm 6'2" and was just over 18 stone when doing it.

just noticed this
if you guys are all english or yanks, you almost certainly weren't doing tae kwon do, just that olympic/american disneyfied version, which is an unfunny joke and as you say is nearly all feet.

i spent ages trying to find a tkd club when i arrived in the uk, gave up after i finally got to "london's best tkd club, win all the tournaments, etc", and found a lot of attitude and not a lot of ability.
if a guy's got 2-3 inches height on me and 15-20kg on me, and *6 fucking dans* ('scuse? the asia-pacific freestyle champion had 4 (real ones)) he shouldn't be thrashed by a brown belt.
quote of the night "stop hitting me, you can't hit me like that" with my hand? oh, sorry....

world tkd federation, international tkd fed'n, variations on same, are not tkd. just leggy hoppy bouncy stuff.

"You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?"

</gilmore>

i should point out that i was ~5 years out of training at that point, same length of time as my training.

Salt - yup. Where did you train before you came to the UK then?

?
gilmore?

Yeah - that was supposed to follow on from my 'You eat lungs?' post

clubs.sport.uq.edu.au/uqtkd

hour and a half a day, 4 days a week, 5 years

i trained with the chaps in the picture for a few years, they're both 2nd dan now.

lol

WHY NOT TRY PRESSING T?

i prefer the crumpled look

1 I have an acute obsession with daisies
2 Freakish flexibility
3 I'm somewhat of an insomniac

I'm liking you more and more. Something about a flexible girl that intrigues me...

assuming you are actually a girl, and weren't lying.

:)

can you do the thumbs on forearms thing? can you put your ears on your shoulders without moving your shoulders?

both at the same time, are you some kind of elephant man?

People used to pick on the elephant man. He didn't mind, he had thick skin.

der dum tish!

1. I am infact not a cat
2. I have a flower phobia
3. I never ever have to cook as my b/f is a chef (as were all my ex's!)

1. I am infact not a cat

Noooooo!

7. I'm taller than Tom Cruise.
8. Tom Cruise is a dwarf.
9. I use a Magic 8 Ball to tune my guitar.

3. I never ever have to cook as my b/f is a chef (as were all my ex's!)

I hereby remove a proportion of your "rock"-ingness.

*sniff*

So. Do you spend most of your life hanging around the backs of restaurants in short skirts then, Kitty?

ARE YOU FERN BRITTON?

NO. AND SHE'S NOT FUCKING DEAF, EITHER.

i'm sure if you ask nicely Brock, you can be Kitty's bit on the side

Why? Has it moved?

...of the plate.

HA! I spoilt Alfie's gag. Hehehe

yup

i'm sure if you ask nicely Brock, you can be Kitty's bit on the side

given that her b/f"s are chefs, this makes brock a plate of steamed veg doesn't it

No. It doesn't.

Although there may be some gag there about a red hot large portion of carrot/marrow, but I can't be arsed to work it out.

:)

yes it does, brockoli

"meat and two brock, please, and a portion of chips"

Brocky-poo last time I checked, I was actually a girl.

Sorry to disappoint, but I am not 13. 16, in fact.

Hehe. Or, maybe I'm a fat, greasy, 39 year old man who, complete with a balding head, is typing on a sticky keyboard in the basement of his mother's house where he currently resides.
*shrug* who knows

you do

[bald? greasy? mother's basement? how many logins does brock have? brock==licketysplit?]

i just like saying Brockoli

"meat and two brock, please"

brockoli
brockoli
brockoli

!!

a
brockbrock brockbrock, broCKOLI!
a
brockbrock brockbrock, broCKOLI!

16 eh?

Old enough for me...

;)

pshah...

And, how old are we, Brock? see, 16 may be old enough for you, but... eh..

just call him Daddy

he's well old enough for it

Where did I put my family tree?

Blimey, I actually posted a coherent reply when I was completely hammered last night.

Mind you, these keys are bloody loud this morning.

brockoli

"In the older days a granddad sat in his chair eating biscuits"

He have brush not biscuit! The end of the chubb! No more fatting up on chocolate digestive grandpa! Get the brushes and make an art! Sculpt! Pastel! Whip up a portrait of Michael Portillo with charcoal after a night of fevered sleep! Put the biscuit down, Grandpappy! Sketch me a bowl of fruit! The camera never lies, uncle!

No more podging up on the biscuits grandpa.

AP, it was the Chucklehounds…

I just wasted half my lunchbreak reading this thread.

It is an interesting thread. Sheesh, I can't believe it's been four years.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_P...

And remember! No slacking!

brockoli