iamcal.com Since May 2000

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• Hello!

Oh sweet jesus someone is going to have to pay for that advert, with their job or their life.

If you haven't seen it then I recommend that you throw your TV out of the window now it's worth it, just to avoid this ad. Who cares if you can never watch another programme again, at least you will be saved from a group of school kids "rapping" to a song created by a complete twat. I assume this is what walkers consider to be "Youff Culture".

"The Walker's Massive"
Fuck off and die in a hole you sick sick sick sick bastards.

sorry i was watching James Bond and my grammar went out of the window. Ignore the ' in the title. Oh and replace the . with a ?

i am confused

chay's just upset by the rather horrible evil horrible advert... understandably so...

what advert? (i've not seen telly for a few weeks)

cal, just keep away from the telly.. its for your own good... its a bunch of kids rapping about how 'street' wotsits are now they're part of the gary lineker conglomerate...

woo! first post of the day goes to me!

What are you lot on about? It's the best advert EVER!!!

For cringeworthy pseudo-street arse, look no further than the bleeding Honey Monster. That new Sugar Puffs ad is EVIL. They really should have canned the fucker back in '88 just after they gave him the oh-so-cool "cap backwards" makeover (i know that look was in at the time, but HM's use of it was so forced, a la Mr Hague)

Oh god yeah, Honey Monster is so shite.

Oh and this from the walkers website:

"Wot Sits on Ya New Walkers Wotsits?

and the animation designed by Framestore, the creators of Walt Disney’s Ice Age"

Is this some new "Ice Age" thing? Cos the film Ice Age was made by Blue Sky not Disney or framestore. So I guess this is a different one.

Just saw the walkers massive last night. This is part of an ongoing saga that i like to call 'reverse advertising'

The basic premise of reverse advertising is that the company put out an advert that is so buttock-clenchingly awful/patronising/irritating, that it actually makes you decide to avoid the product. here are a few examples:

The motorola ad that says "Hello moto" at the start, passably shite in small doses, but when they tag it on to the start and end of every advert break of a long film that you want to watch, it makes you want to gouge out your own eyeballs and pour vinegar in the raw bleeding sockets this is familiar to anyone who watched 'Goldeneye' or 'Tommorrow never dies' recently.

The aloe vera voice.

Those hello magazine adverts, if she was in my office i'd roll up said magazine and shove it somewhere only proctologists like to talk about.

Aforementioned honey monster and walkers ads.

feel free to add you own.

Oh and kronenbourg, fucking french.

I can't STAND those adverts for Flash. Its got that geezer out of Brushstrokes on it. God - that bloke is a c**t. I wanna kill him everytime he comes on.....

Yeah, lets make a list!

Likes:

Grolsh ads
John West fish advert

Dislikes:

Motorola
Aloe Vera
Hello magazine
Honey monster
Walkers
Flash.

How about that stupid ad for snack attacks or whatever the hell it is. you know the one, where nigel pipes up and says about the napkin being hygenic..

wankers

Oh! and that load of old shite about washing machine tablets. Who on earth can be arsed to buy them?

" washing machines live longer with calgon". Maybe. But whos life is so pathetic they have time to think about prolonging the life of their washing machine?

arseholes.

yakult, friendly bacteria? kiss my arse.

yeah!! Them Muller Light adverts get on my tits.

"are you a man..... or a Moose?" for example. What a load of crap. I know, lets all rush out and buy pallet upon pallet of smelly old goo now we've seen that ad....

The one where the man is cooking some sort of chicken wrap and the bitch is on the phone doing a Cybil Fawlty type voice going "oh I know", and generally saying that he is shit, despite the fact he is cooking dinner. and then likes it but treats him like shit. I hate that. It's shit.

ooh, good one.

how about the fact that they recycle adverts that annoyed you the first time round, lots of ex-world cup ads like the one where they are sat on the sofa staring at the hole until the blokes turn up with the new telly. its not that bad, but its not that good either and re-showing it 6 months down the line is just lazy.

Over xmas, they showed that god awful ad for coke with the train. THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING......ARRRRGGGGGGGG.... Piss off!!!!!

Oh Friend-Chips

Doritos. Fuck off. If those were my friends then I would kill them and then myself.

Its like songs on the radio, if by chance you do like an advert, they quickly realise and cram it down your throat as often as possible until you are utterly sick of the sight of it.

Or they spend that much money securing ad time around a programme that they have fuck all left for a decent advert, hence those awful dominos pizza ads they used to slap all over 'The Simpsons'

and whats with the fact that when you are watching telly late at night and trying to be considerate of the people you live with, so you have the volume down, an ad break comes on 500 decibels louder than the programme, causing you to curse and fumble for the sound button, 5 irritating minutes later, the programme comes back on and you cant hear what they are saying, so you turn it back up, then repeat the whole cycle 15 minutes later. ADVERTISERS ARE WANKERS!

HA! Yeah chay, that is shit.

The ad where that fool is making a stir fry and dancing about in the kitchen while hes throw aload of veg about. Then his mates come in and start dancing about as well. TWATS. They look like a sad bunch of toss-offs.

i must admit to liking one ad - but thats on the radio and doesn't really count.

Its about 2 seconds long and its for something called " mr clutch". I fucking love that ad.

Jamie Oliver anyone?

He is such a fat mouthed bell-end, isn't he?

Dont even go there Victor!

What about the Vodaphone picture ad, where the young girl sends the boy a pic of a cup of coffee! Come on! Fuck right off!

Yeah, if i had one of them phones it wouldn't be a picture of a mug of coffee i'd be sending.....

Exactly Rosie. You'd take pictures of a nice flower arrangment wouldnt you.

Thats my point!

Take picture of inane shit that is around you, send it to a few mates at 50pence a pop, mates look at it and either laugh/cry/smile/call the police and then delete it. money well spent.

i thought the vodaphone ad was alright.. bit cringworthy but ugh.. does anyone remember the britta water filter adverts?
"its MY lovely cup of teaa"
*screams*
or insurance ads... "BUDGET!"

Ha ha! I would love one of those phones. Think of all the shit you could send people.

I want to go on holiday with the muppets :(

Another...

WKD drink where 4 boys play a practical joke on their friend, the end shot is them all in a pub drinking this stuff and having a laugh..get to fuck! Where on this earth do you see 4 guys in a pub and they are all drinking alco-pops...

I'll tell you where, no-fuckin-where!

I don't want to be insured by fucking E-sure, im the guy in the other car swearing at people.

Shall I bellow "GET AWAY" at you Sul and see where you end up? (like off the lunn polly ads?)

How old is that Get Away thing for christ sakes!

Cheers Rosie.
The ocean finance quiz ad ARGH!!! That winds me up.

"If you're single or even if you're not, you'll always be welcome at the phone bar" Whoever uses that service must be well fucking rich!

However, the fact that we all remember these ads mean the advertisers have done their job.. all these brands are sat in our subconcious.. its all damn damn clever and manipulative.. I want to work in advertising so i can control people..

Another...

When the boy is going to put his girlfriends jam-rag in his cup of tea.

Now I know some men might be a bit slow on the topic of womens things, but surely they can tell the difference between a suger sachet and a bloody tampon!?!

Does anyone remember the Neutrogena ad of the early 1990's? Great ad!

Now that was genius advertising.

I disagree jeff, i conciously avoid the products whos adverts piss me off, i normally buy a sandwich and a bag of walkers crisps from our sandwich man, but because of the afformentioned advert, i bought a bag of mcoys instead FIGHT THE POWER!

Let me guess - the one where the fit woman got her baps out?

Finish the sentence:
Our son Pat...

Ah crap, that Pat kid was someone famous - who was it - can anyone remember?

That stupid Loans Direct red phone needs his cables cut. Any crappy finance ad where the presenter in the cheap suit walks at a reassuring 45 degrees towards the screen... "Let us consolidate all those little cocks stabbing at you monthly into ONE HUGE COCK to ram you up the arse every four weeks."

That Tesco(?) credit card ad with the CG shopping trolleys is yet the latest example of 'just becuase you can, doesn't mean you should'. Flagrant computer graphics everywhere now sucks.

You're right tho Chandler, whoever thought up that walkers ad has a special place on my list.

Grim, the very one!

I still remember it, and i remember nothing.

is a bit nifty with a bat!... dont know who it was tho

I want papa and nicole back!

The sun-pat kid was Joe Absolom (Matthew Rose in 'Stenders, Steve Owen's murder buddy)

Let me guess - the one where the fit woman got her baps out?
Ahhh the memories

let me try:
Our son, Pat, and daughter-in-law live and work in
Spokane, Washington.

google failed me then

Bring back the milky bar kid.

basically because my friend is the spitting image of him and it amuses me no end.

i already answered it sul..

I want Hamburgler back!

I loved, The red car and the blue car had a race, all that red would do was stuff his face. He ate everything he sees, from trucks to prickly trees... etc

i already answered it sul..

I know, I was slow in pressing "post"

The one for superdrug a while ago that just flashed up products while an anooying tune went Du-du-du-du-du-du-du Du-du-du-du-du-du-du. Coloured backgrounds on all time. I fucking HATED that made me so angry. Never been in Superdrug since and I hope they all die.

How about "suck 'em and see"?

What was that as for? Painkillers or something...

Rosie, was it not Rennie?

I wish Lloyds TSB would die as their share prices are quite low today...

I dont care about their share price, i bank with them and i want them all to shrivel up..barstewards!

I want Diamond Car insurance to go to hell. I was on the phone to them for over an hour the other night trying to get a copy of my insurance certificate. I got put through to a call centre in India. That company is a pile of shite and I am going to change my car insurance to another company. THE WANKERS.

"but smart old blue he took the milky way" genius

i hate the orange ad in cinemas, but the girl in it (has freckles, complains about beards) is hot as. mmmmm

Whenever I see that ad for nicorette clear patches, it always, always makes me wanna light a B&H. How strange is that? Surely theres something wrong there, eh?

OHHHH i've got a good'un....

The one where there is a man and a woman made of glass in a bed and he is moaning that he can't go to work coz hes fat glass nose is all fucked up. If you listen very carefully you can hear glass rubbing againest glass - it hurts my teeth when that ad comes on.

The guy at the end of that orange ad who sits next to her on the bench is "non-white" am I correct? well the way she looks at him (supposedly cos he has a beard) and then glances at the policeman, just comes over as her really thinking "oh blimey a coloured man has sat down on a white bench, excuse me, mr policeman, deal with this scum can you. dear oh dear they'll be wanting the vote next"

or am I reading too much into that?

and the whole cats getting their own back just really makes me want to puke.

what about those god damned halifax ones with that tit who sings bad cover versions about the halifax.

Why do these companies put us through the misery of having to see these cringeworthy masterpieces!

chay: nope, i thought exactly the same things. plus who gives a shit about bob marley these days. but anyway, i wouldn't say no...

Oh they have that whole 3D one with that black guy singing. nicely animated but I would be so pissed off if I had had to spend 4 months making that ad, listening to that crappy song day after day. The lip syncing would have been a torture from the very pits of hell.

i was thinking that wehn i watched it. poor animators. and i can't imagine the black bloke in the adverts thinks they're great either...

Our Son Pat,
Is a bit nifty with a bat.
He runs in a circle,
As fast as a cat.
He likes a bit of this,
And he likes a bit of that.
Sun packed,
Fun packed,
Our Son Pat.*smash*
I'll kill him when I get me hands on him!

On a side note, remember that Heinz Baked Beans advert where the guy sang the really fast song?
Well I still know that song off by heart.

i like the teaching advert with all the 'can you explain multiplication? and division?' etc etc
its makes me realise i could be a teacher.
its funny, that advert must cost them masses, and yet they pay the teachers norralot.

did anybody else think that was a playstation advert when they first saw it? because of the shapes on coloured blocks in the first bit of it?!

...ah maybe just me...

That teaching ad gets to me cos they end with the line "Those who can, teach" Which only reminds me and everyone else that the correct phrase is "Those who can, DO. Those who CAN'T teach."

Yes that bit with the translation and the girls face, I thought they are the playstation symbols.

I do like the "Have a little capital behind you" line.

From the late great Mr Bill Hicks:

"By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. No, this is not a joke: kill yourself . . . I know what the marketing people are thinking now too: 'Oh. He's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a good market.' Oh man, I am not doing that, you evil scumbags."

Re the playstation symbols, i guess its the whole trans-pacific 'yoof' appeal of sony 'hey teachers can be cool, forget japanese culture, they created a games console, the kids will love it and will all want to go on a PGCE." Also they can't be having that many sign ups bearing in mind how quickly they got back to me when i emailed them asking what Thomas Newman score they ripped off for the music (pre commercialbreaksandbeats).

May be I get more regional ads than everyone but how you people have not noted the repugnant abominations that are the DFS (some sofa shop where leatherette is in abundance) campaigns i don't know. Everything involving a catchy jingle (a la direct line and admiral fricking direct ) that bastard multimedia tie-in intel tune (it makes me want to dental floss between my ears) and the kiddie fiddling Worthers Original possee, dark stuff, dark, dark stuff.

P.S. Don't get me started on that AA Insurance positive sexism campaign where the guy is an inept twat that can't sort out his insurance and his spouse looks on the verge of divorce because she's so hyper organised and can't stand his luddite attitudes (just like the poxy chicken wrap one, and that other insurance one where the twat in question can't even seem to remember he placed a cup on his dashboard). Infomercials are great though!

Turns out some multicoloured slapper recons that i should be getting internet through AOL, silly me, i'll just go and sign up.

unlike other internet services, aol is completly free for the first month*****






*****but we will of course want your credit card details first so that as soon as your trial runs out we can start charging you at a stupidly over priced rate without you noticing. Oh and you'll have to run this really anoying browser thing to connect, we wont tell you that you can use other browsers with it and you'll soon be asking your local geek "why dosnt my internet look like my one at work?" and you'll learn to use our email addresses then realise that you cant leave aol cos youve given all the people you met on friends reunited your aol address, and if you stop paying us, you'll loose contact with them. mwhahahahahahaha

those DFS adverts are fucking annoying
and who really wants one of those sofas after 8965982659 people have been dancing around liek twats on them

best aol advert ever --> ftp://aol:advert@zetsuei.underclocked.com

hahaha

I think I've joined this rant a little late.

Hi there can any one tell me who sings the song on the hellomoto commercial break, it is a club number I think? There is no singing on the break just a quick bit of music.

Many thanks

Lucille

Lemon Jelly - In The Bath

I hate Lemon Jelly

Thanks Chandler

Have a good day.

i will.
and im almost sure that is the song :)

Lemon Jelly hate Arsepuppy
:)

Nobody hates arsepuppy. Except maybe Seal

thanks Chandler, but it is not the right one, thanks for your help.

Lucille

damn! sorry :)

no worries

"Aromatic Spiiiiices?"

ARGGGGGHH.

It was a rap group they were on TOTP2 not long ago, I can't remember their name though

Kriss Kross?

aggghhhhhh I'm ring you tomorrow, if im still aliiiive ahah cackle like a fucking witch

No its PJ and Duncan

I may be wrong though, it could have been dance

www.commercialbreaksandbeats.co.uk/resul...

^^ This may help.

Incidentally, Serapis Bey is responsible for that "Zoom Zoom Zoom" song.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a new Seal.

see rotomoto lemon jelly

Zoom Zoom Zoom, yeah, fuck, off and burn

www.ask.co.uk/answer.asp?qCategory=TV_&p... one of them i thinks

Um.. BG.... That's exactly the site I just linked to....

yes

sorry AP, I didn't refresh before posting it

hi guys me again, lol. This time I am looking for a person who sang the song one on one or one and one. Ther person singing sounds like a lady and her voice sounds similar to Enya (not her I don't think), any help will be useful.

Thanks

Lucille

Robert Miles feat. Maria Naylor?

In a bar in Toledo, across from the depot, on a barstool she took off her ring
I thought I’d get closer, so I walked on over, I sat down and asked her the name
when the drinks fin’lly hit her, she said „I‘m no quitter, but fin’lly quit living on dreams
I’m hungry for laughter, and, here ever after, I’m after whatever the other life brings

In the mirror I saw him, and closely watched him, I thought how he looked out of place
he came to the woman who sat there beside me, he had a strange look on his face
the big hand were callused, he looked like a mountain, for a minute I thought I was dead
be he started shakin‘, his big heart was breakin‘, he turned to the woman and said:

You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille,
with four hungry children and a crop in the field
I had some bad times,
lived through some sad times,
but this time your hurting won’t heal
you picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille!

After he left us, I ordered more whiskey, I thought how she‘d made him look small
from the lights of the barroom to a rented hotel room, he walked without talkin at all
She was a beauty, but when she came to me, she must have thought I’d lost my mind
I couldn’t hold her, ´cause the words that he told her kept coming back time after time

You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille,
with four hungry children and a crop in the field
I had some bad times,
lived through some sad times,
but this time your hurting won’t heal
you picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille!

lol victor, and thanks arsepuppy, busy downloading now

thanks again lucille

arsepuppy thanks I owe you big time. I have got so many of robert mills stuff downloaded, it is something I had before called dreamland, love the music, although it is kinda club music, I find it very soothing. Thanks once again.

Take care

Lucille