Did you hear about Gareth Gates trying to buy a mars bar in woolworths?
He came out with twenty bags of M&M's.
(try and make your jokes better than this one)
Posted by
cal, 10:06, 26th February 2003:
What happened when the teacher fell in the photocopier?
She was beside herself.
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her
husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a
couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves
for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30
and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool
of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the
same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all
blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then
asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. she replies that she was
reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
For best results put on two coats!!
BOOM BOOM
Posted by
cal, 10:06, 26th February 2003:
Why do you look out the window in the morning?
Because you can't see through walls, and you can't see anything at night anyway.
Posted by
cal, 10:06, 26th February 2003:
Why don't sharks eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Posted by
cal, 10:06, 26th February 2003:
What do modern artists eat for breakfast?
Surreal.
Posted by
cal, 10:08, 26th February 2003:
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
The wedding was lousy, but the reception was great.
What do George Michael and a pair of welly's have in common?
They both get sucked off in bogs.
Posted by
cal, 10:08, 26th February 2003:
Do you like warts?
No.
Don't worry. They'll grow on you.
Posted by
cal, 10:08, 26th February 2003:
What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
Did you hear about the hidden ending of pop idol?
Gareth Gates was so angry at losing he punched Will Young
he was secretly arrested and sent down for three years
the police belive that he is unlikely to finish the sentance.
Posted by
RUSS, 10:15, 26th February 2003:
an irish man walks into a pet shop.
can i have a wasp please?
we dont sell wasps
why did you have one in the window yesterday then?
Posted by
cal, 10:17, 26th February 2003:
One day, this king decided to go hunting. So he gathered up his entourage of servants and went trekking into the woods, in search of deer. After searching for a while, he heard some rustling in the bushes nearby. He drew his rifle and aimed at the bush, when, all of a sudden, a man came running out, yelling, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I'm not a deer!" The king shot him dead.
After a little while, one of the king's servants finally gathered up enough courage to ask the king, "Sire, why did you shoot that man? He said he wasn't a deer!"
The king replied, "Oh! I thought he said he was a deer!"
Posted by
cal, 10:17, 26th February 2003:
What's Irish and lies around in the sun all day?
Patty O'Furniture.
Posted by
cal, 10:17, 26th February 2003:
What did Snow White say when she dropped off her film?
"Some day my prints will come."
Posted by
cal, 10:17, 26th February 2003:
What did the mermaid do last Saturday night?
She went out with the tide.
Posted by
cal, 10:18, 26th February 2003:
How do you get 27 kids to carve a statue?
Have everybody chip in.
Posted by
cal, 10:18, 26th February 2003:
Why do most people have trouble obtaining blood transfusions in Taiwan?
Because they only have Taipei.
Posted by
cal, 10:18, 26th February 2003:
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Posted by
cal, 10:18, 26th February 2003:
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with.
Posted by
cal, 10:18, 26th February 2003:
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Posted by
cal, 10:19, 26th February 2003:
Why did the hearing aid saleman give it up for a life of piracy?
Because he only made a good buccaneer.
Posted by
cal, 10:19, 26th February 2003:
What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They have the same middle name!
Posted by
cal, 10:20, 26th February 2003:
How do you catch a rabbit?
Hide in a field and make carrot noises.
Posted by
cal, 10:26, 26th February 2003:
Why do ducks have big flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have big flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.
for christ's sake stop it.
Posted by
chandler, 10:40, 26th February 2003:
dont, these are really good
Cal, are you sitting reading '100 really bad jokes'?
the Taipei one was quite good.
Posted by
cal, 11:16, 26th February 2003:
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
Posted by
cal, 11:16, 26th February 2003:
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
Posted by
cal, 11:17, 26th February 2003:
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Posted by
cal, 11:17, 26th February 2003:
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Posted by
cal, 11:17, 26th February 2003:
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Posted by
cal, 11:17, 26th February 2003:
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Damn!
Posted by
cal, 11:17, 26th February 2003:
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Posted by
cal, 11:17, 26th February 2003:
hat's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. a bad skydiver goes damn, whack.
Posted by
cal, 11:17, 26th February 2003:
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
Posted by
cal, 11:17, 26th February 2003:
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
Posted by
cal, 11:18, 26th February 2003:
What goes clop, clop, clop, bang,bang,clop clop clop?
An amish drive-by shooting
Posted by
cal, 11:18, 26th February 2003:
How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Cal, you DO have a book of bad jokes sitting nearby.
Posted by
Sul, 11:19, 26th February 2003:
whats pink and hard in the mornings?
the FT crossword
I did ask you to make the jokes BETTER than the gareth gates one.
Posted by
cal, 11:21, 26th February 2003:
What kind of coat does a vampire wear in the rain?
A wet one.
Posted by
cal, 11:21, 26th February 2003:
What illness are you suffering from if you keep seeing cartoon animals who talk?
Disney spells.
Posted by
cal, 11:21, 26th February 2003:
What do you call a fruit that stays up very late to study for tests?
A cramberry.
Posted by
cal, 11:21, 26th February 2003:
What do hard-working grocery store clerks get every year?
A celery increase.
Posted by
cal, 11:22, 26th February 2003:
Why was the chessmaster interested in foreign women?
He wanted a Czech mate.
Posted by
cal, 11:22, 26th February 2003:
Have you heard the joke about the bed?
No.
It hasn't been made up yet!
Posted by
cal, 11:22, 26th February 2003:
A small grocery store had just installed some new juice machines, and everybody who worked there was excited about who would be chosen to run them. One employee in particular, a grocery bagger, was determined to get the job. He went to the manager and made his case, telling his boss how excited he was about the new juicers, and how badly he wanted to be the one chosen to run them. His boss turned him down.
"But why?" protested the hapless young man.
"Son," replied his boss, "Everybody knows that baggers can't be juicers."
Posted by
cal, 11:22, 26th February 2003:
I bet the butcher he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf, but he said the steaks were too high.
Posted by
cal, 11:22, 26th February 2003:
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Posted by
cal, 11:22, 26th February 2003:
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
Posted by
cal, 11:23, 26th February 2003:
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
Posted by
cal, 11:23, 26th February 2003:
Why do they call a horse a horse?
Because they speak English.
Posted by
cal, 11:23, 26th February 2003:
Why did the farmer use a steam roller?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
Posted by
cal, 11:23, 26th February 2003:
How is a thief like a thermometer on a hot day?
They are both up to something.
Posted by
cal, 11:23, 26th February 2003:
What is a rifle with three barrels?
A trifle.
Posted by
cal, 11:24, 26th February 2003:
When do ghosts have to stop scaring people?
When they lose their haunting licenses.
Posted by
cal, 11:24, 26th February 2003:
Why was the insect kicked out of the wildlife preserve?
It was a litterbug.
Posted by
cal, 11:24, 26th February 2003:
What did the leopard say when it ate the man?
That hit the spot.
Posted by
cal, 11:24, 26th February 2003:
Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!"
Jesus! This is torture...
Posted by
cal, 11:25, 26th February 2003:
Why couldn't Batman go fishing?
Because Robin ate the worms.
Posted by
cal, 11:25, 26th February 2003:
Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible?
Where Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Posted by
cal, 11:25, 26th February 2003:
What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Posted by
cal, 11:25, 26th February 2003:
There were 99 people on a boat, and then it turned over. How many were left?
66.
Posted by
cal, 11:25, 26th February 2003:
What's a three-season bed?
A bed without a spring.
Posted by
cal, 11:25, 26th February 2003:
Where does a zookeeper hang his laundry?
On a clothes lion.
Posted by
cal, 11:26, 26th February 2003:
When the boy broke his knee, where did he go to get a new one?
At the butcher shop, where they sell kid-knees.
Posted by
cal, 11:26, 26th February 2003:
Chief Running Water had two sons. What were their names?
Hot and Cold.
Posted by
cal, 11:26, 26th February 2003:
What was Bob the Builder called after he retired?
Bob.
Cal, you have to stop! Have a cup of tea, and a jammie dodger.
Posted by
cal, 11:27, 26th February 2003:
Have you heard the joke about the flying sandwich?
Nope.
Neither have I.
Posted by
cal, 11:27, 26th February 2003:
What do you call a running chicken?
Poultry in motion.
Posted by
cal, 11:27, 26th February 2003:
How did the pig get to the hospital?
In a hambulance.
Posted by
cal, 11:27, 26th February 2003:
What does an apple and an apple tree have in common?
They both don't drive tractors.
Posted by
cal, 11:28, 26th February 2003:
Why do scientists look for things twice?
Because they research everything.
Posted by
cal, 11:28, 26th February 2003:
What did the book say to the librarian?
Can I take you out?
Posted by
cal, 11:28, 26th February 2003:
Why did the man tear a page out of the calendar?
He wanted to take a month off.
Posted by
cal, 11:28, 26th February 2003:
What would happen if you ate yeast and polish?
You would rise and shine.
Posted by
cal, 11:28, 26th February 2003:
What do ya call a bunch of guys breaking into a music store and helping themselves to the stringed instruments?
Luters.
Did you steal Bob Monkhouse's joke book?
Posted by
cal, 11:29, 26th February 2003:
What do call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Posted by
cal, 11:29, 26th February 2003:
Why do cows moo?
Because their horns don't work.
Posted by
cal, 11:29, 26th February 2003:
What did Captain Cook say to his men before they got on the ship?
Let's get on the ship, men!
Vic, they are far worse than anything that old Bob would come out with.
Posted by
cal, 11:30, 26th February 2003:
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
I'm bigger than you!
Did you steal Jim Davidsons joke book then?
Posted by
cal, 11:30, 26th February 2003:
Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
So it could become a first-aid kit.
Posted by
cal, 11:31, 26th February 2003:
What happens when two oxen bump into each other?
You have an oxident.
I think you might have it there...
CAL...STOP PLEASE!!!
Posted by
cal, 11:31, 26th February 2003:
What does an attorney wear to work?
A law suit.
Posted by
cal, 11:31, 26th February 2003:
Why was the professor cross-eyed?
Because he couldn't control his pupils!
Posted by
cal, 11:31, 26th February 2003:
What did the tire say to the other tire?
I'm tired!
What was supermans response when asked why he didn't save the crew of the Columbia?
"Cos i'm in a wheelchair you c**t"
Posted by
cal, 11:32, 26th February 2003:
What do a telephone and a dog have in common?
They both have collar ID.
Posted by
cal, 11:32, 26th February 2003:
What did the spud lover do before it went to bed?
It set its alarm for eight -- so it would get a potato clock.
Posted by
cal, 11:32, 26th February 2003:
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Posted by
cal, 11:32, 26th February 2003:
A guy was walking down the street when he noticed a little boy walking around with a piece of steak on his head. So he asked, "Little boy, why do you have a piece of steak on your head?"
"I'm not a boy," the boy answered. "I'm a fork."
Posted by
RUSS, 11:33, 26th February 2003:
CAL STOP!
ANSWER THE QUESTION WHERE ARE THESE COMING FROM???
Posted by
cal, 11:33, 26th February 2003:
What's yellow and 1454 feet tall?
The Empire State Banana.
Posted by
cal, 11:33, 26th February 2003:
Two vultures boarded an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looked at them and said, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger is allowed."
Posted by
cal, 11:33, 26th February 2003:
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Posted by
cal, 11:34, 26th February 2003:
Why did the traffic light turn red?
Because it saw the other one changing!
Posted by
cal, 11:34, 26th February 2003:
What connects the computers in Sauron's office?
A Tolkien Ring network.
Posted by
cal, 11:34, 26th February 2003:
Why should you never run in front of a bus?
You will get tired.
Why should you never run behind a bus?
You will get exhausted.
Posted by
cal, 11:35, 26th February 2003:
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
He wanted to win the No Bell Prize.
Posted by
cal, 11:35, 26th February 2003:
Why don't cannibals eat pantomimes?
Because a mime is a terrible thing to baste.
Posted by
cal, 11:35, 26th February 2003:
Did you hear about the marketplace where everything cost twelve and a half cents?
It was a bit bazaar.
Posted by
cal, 11:35, 26th February 2003:
Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine?
He's all right, now. In fact, he's fully recovered.
Cal. how do i put pics on here?
Posted by
cal, 11:36, 26th February 2003:
A cabbage, a faucet, and a tomato had a race. The cabbage was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato tried to catch up.
Posted by
cal, 11:36, 26th February 2003:
What happened when Abel died?
He became unable.
Posted by
cal, 11:36, 26th February 2003:
foghorn - click the link that says "you may use some html" just under the reply form
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Make the bad man stop!
Posted by
cal, 11:37, 26th February 2003:
What happens to an air conditioner when you pull its plug?
It loses its cool.
Posted by
RUSS, 11:37, 26th February 2003:
STOP STOP STOP!!!!
cool, thanks. (no idea what i was just reading)
Also, i think you should lay off the amphetamines.
One day Paddy and Murphy Where in london,
as they are walking past a shop paddy turns to murphy and says.
Paddy; i thought london was a really expensive city.
Murphy, it is paddy why is that.
paddy; coz in that shop window it says suits £10, Shirts £3 and trousers £4
Murphy: we could buy those and take them back to ireland,and make a bundle of money, i tell you wot, so the shop owner doesn't knock us, you go in and do your best english accent, and i will stand there looking english,
so they go into the shop paddy puts on his best english accent ,and orders 5 suits 5 shirts and 5 trousers.
the shop assistant turns and says
Shop assistant; your irish aren't you!
paddy: how did you guess that was my best english accent.
Shop assistant: coz this is a dry cleaners!