iamcal.com Since May 2000

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• Hello!

I'm bored, how about telling jokes? I'll go first..

What's pink and fluffy?... Pink fluff
What's blue and fluffy?.. Pink fluff holding its breath!

What do you call a blonde with a brain?




























A Labrador =]

Q.How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to suck me off.

or thats how it was in my house anyway

was?

yeah. I miss not living at my parents. My sisters were wonderful

I'll second that, Sul.

LOL!

U sick fuck!

hehe. genius

2 parrots on a perch, one says 'Can you smell fish?'

Q: Who Likes Michael Jackson?

A: Jesse.



AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
/terrance and phillip laugh

plindoe: I don't get it? Can you explain?

A perch is a fish, Rosie.

Hey, that was a retro Palsoft World joke, if I remember correctly...

Oh right.

:)

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?






















Nothing. You already told her twice!





Bad I know

That was a bit of a shitty one!

I am the king of shit jokes!

:)

I don't know. What do you call a blonde with a brain?

There was this tramp.

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when
he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. Without a moment's hesitation
he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He
managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her
back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began
looking for a car to flag down.

Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?"
he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name
your price - I'm a wealthy man." "Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "...
uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."

"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only
have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've
seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."

"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he
goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff
and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk,
forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies
the tramp.

"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the
girl incredulously.

She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest,
dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds
an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the
shop. "I've got you a holiday - it's a super-duper, ultra-hyper,
mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."

"Yoinks!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is
the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking
ocean-going liner he has ever seen.

"Get off my ship you dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate
captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the
dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp,
"super-duper,ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I
don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight
when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on
the dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."

the tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the
gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!

First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets
6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for
cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3"
deep, and so on... 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the
ballrooms, down

through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the
engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the
very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin,
with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own." "I'm
glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing...

Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the
ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what
the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping
by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon
shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided
he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time
for one dive before he had to go below.

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and
dived... and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a
ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the
poor old tramp - was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed
the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"

"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke
off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to
train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay
you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp
practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips,
triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.

Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to
stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving
board for you."

"Okay," agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with
excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had
provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as
he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the
crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and
up, rose a slender column of metal. "Well, tramp," said the captain,
shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain
handed him a walkie-talkie. And the tramp began to climb...

up and up...below him the ship grew smaller...on and on...past a
solitary albatross...and still higher...till the ship was but a speck on
the ocean below...and on still further...till the ocean grew dim...and the
earth itself...began to shrink...past our moon...and on...and Mars...and
on...higher, and higher...through the asteroid belt...and on and on
towards the diving board...past the outer planets, until...on the
outermost reaches of the Solar System...he reached the board.He climbed on
top and radioed the captain...and then...he jumped. .

Slowly at first but speeding up faster, and faster, speeding past
Pluto, and the other outer planets, through the asteroid belt, past Mars,
and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the
earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew
clear, faster, and faster, past the albatross, double-back somersault, and
he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed,
ready for the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained their
necks,"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip,and
dove...NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL.........

SMASH!

Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting
he swam frantically for the surface.Up and up, desperate, gasping...Out of
the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild
with acclaim.

"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "BLOODY GOOD SHOW THAT!"

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell
over the crowd."Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER.
That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you
survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied
modestly:"Well you see... I'm a just a poor tramp... so you must
understand... I've been through many a hard-ship in my life.

thats quite poor

thats actually funny

in a you've-wasted-three-minutes-of-my-life kind of a way :D

Vic you wanker!

just sharing the misery.

P.S. accept my challenge plindoe.

That was fucking awful victor!

ok here goes...


Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.
Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.
He also was quite a spiritual person.
Furthermore due to his diet he ended up with very bad breath.
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.



and then...


A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family
in Spain, they name him "Juan".
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds,"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."



and finally...


So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he Rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road.

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
___________________________________________

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring
rain.

"Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," said the drunk.

"Do you still need a push?"

"yes, please!"

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here... on the swing!"

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm, perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"


--------------------------


A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi.

He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzo ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzo balls."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little dick like you."


-----------------------------


30 CRUEL THINGS TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on
personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.



------------------------
> A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
> > spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
> can
> > you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
> don't
> > know where I am."
> >
> > The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
> > approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41
> degrees
> > north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west
> > longitude." "You must be an Engineer," said the balloonist. "I am,"
> replied
> > the woman, How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist,
> "everything
> > you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of
> your
> > information and, the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been
> much
> > help so far."
> >
> > The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied
> the
> > balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't
> know
> > where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are
> due
> to
> > a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea
> how
> > to keep-and-you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
> The
> > fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met,
> but
> > now, somehow, it's my fault"

That was inspiring victor......that story actually brought a sympathetic smile in me after reading the last line.

Okay, I'm joining in...

> >A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
> >
> >The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born
>without
> >torso,
> >arms or legs. The son is just a head!
> >
> >But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with
>love
> >and
> >compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his
>first
> >drink.
> >
> >Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of
>him and
> >orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
> >
> >With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
>shaking
> >his
> >head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
> >
> >Swoooop! A torso pops out!
> >
> >The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The
>father,
> >shocked,
> >begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another
>drink"! The
> >bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
> >
> >Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
> >
> >The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
>drink
> >again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender
>ignores the
> >whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new
>hands he
> >reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
> >
> >Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
> >
> >The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully
>thanks
> >God.
> >
> >The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....
>then to
> >the
> >right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a
>truck
> >runs
> >over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
> >
> >The father moans in grief.
> >
> >The bartender sighs and says...
> >
> >
> >(wait for it)
> >
> >
> >
> >(it's coming)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >(Ya ready?)
> >
> >
> >
> >(don't hate me)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >(take a deep breath)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >"He should have quit while he was a head!"

LOLOL

Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove
and refrigerator..

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with alot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blowjob.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

How do you get a woman to scream twice?
Fuck her in the ass and wipe your dick on the curtains.

A bloke gets pulled over by the police,
"Excuse me sir, but have you been drinking tonight"
"Why officer ? Is there a fat bird in the car ?"

After many years of collecting data, Cambridge sex researchers have determined that the human penis may be
classified according to one of five basic size groups: small, medium, large, "Oh my God!" and "Does that come in white?"

This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar.
A bloke goes up to the women and says " I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?"
The lady turns around and says "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"
The bloke then says "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it--please let me"
The lady turns round and says "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't piss off!"
The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."
"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.
Just then her boyfriend came out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here??!!!"
The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"
Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves and was just about to smack him when the lady shouts "That's not all, he wants to rub my arse!"
So her boyfriend rolled up the other sleeve!
"And do you know what else he said? He wants to tip me upside down and fill me up with beer and down it in one big gulp! So are you going to beat him up then?"
Her boyfriend rolls down his sleeves and says "Of course not darling, I ain't messing with a bloke that can drink that much beer!!!"

One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is. The bartender says, "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about?"
The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, "I haven't the foggiest idea."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a pretty woman. He orders a drink and turns to her.
Guy: "Can I smell your pussy."
Woman: "Absolutely not!"
Guy: "Oh, it must be your feet".


A lady walks into a bar with a duck under each arm. The bartender says,"Hey! you can't bring that pig in here!"
The lady says,"It's not a pig, they're ducks."
"I was talking to the ducks!"

A man walks into a bar and starts pouring down the beers. Burp. Having had one too many, the man was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

Why did God invent women?
Because sheep can't wash up.

Why did God invent men?
Vibrators can't mow the lawn.

What are the useless, flappy bits of skin around the vagina called?
Women.


Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He
tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when
he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked
all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a
parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" .
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your
name?".
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot." sneered the burglar. "What idiot named
you Clarence?".
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'
His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'
Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'

A pig walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Can I have a pint of beer please"
The bartender says "Certainly sir, that's £1.80 please"
And the pig goes "Well, the thing is before I came here I'd just been to the fair and I went on all the rides, I went on the roundabout and I went round and round and round and then I went on the waltzes and I just went round and round and round and then I went on the helter skelter and I just kept going round and round and round and I think all my money must have fallen out of my pockets."
And the bartender goes "Well that's all very well but why the round tale?"

Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in.
Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in.
One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?" says the bartender.
"No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!"

There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest. After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unfazed, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in. Upon which seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs into the john. an hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left, so he ventures out and upon seeing the other piece of tarmac, he is asked why he ran off. To this he replies "Haven't you heard about him?, He's a CYCLE-PATH !!!!!!"

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all evening.
Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?"
"That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."

Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of Bud please" and the second donkey says "hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that"

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, "I'm Jesus Christ."
The first priest says, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ."
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ."
The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A guy sees a pretty lady at the end of the bar and is interested in buying her a drink. He tells the bartender that he will buy her another of whatever she is drinking. The bartender says "OK, I'll pour it for her. But just for your information, she's a hooker. She'll do what you want for money."
The drink gets delivered and the woman makes eyes at the guy, inviting him over. After a couple of minutes of chatting, the guy gets up the nerve to ask her: "The bartender says you're a hooker, is that true?"
The woman says "Yes. I do it for the money. In fact, I'll do anything for £200."
The guy thinks for a minute and then pulls out £200, gives it to her and says "Paint my house."

There's these 3 girls (blonde, brunette and redhead) who walk into a bar and then a cop comes in a relized they were all under age so they all bolted. They ran into an alley where there were 3 trash bags...then the police come and the officer kicks the first one (where the brunette was) and she says "meow" and the officer says "oh it's just a bunch of cats" then he kicks the next one where the red haired girl was hiding and she says "woof woof" and the officer says "it's only a bunch of dogs" then he kicks the last bag where the blonde is hiding and she says "potato's potato's."

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "so which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

So two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here."

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me £5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five pound note and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her £50. The blonde politely takes the £50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £5, and goes back to sleep.

Two guys walk into a bar. One has to get stitches.

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

Two men walk into a bar both wearing long faces. The bartender asks the first man, "Why the long faces?"
The first man replied, "Well, my wife and I went out to dinner the other night and we had a gorgeous waitress. When I pointed to the menu to tell her what I wanted I said, 'I'd like a tit of bat,' but what I meant to say was, 'I'd like a bit of that!'
The bartender says, "Oh. How 'bout you, buddy?" he asked the other man.
"My wife and I were eating breakfast and I meant to say, 'Please pass the butter,' but it came out, 'You ruined my life bitch!'"

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."
A few minutes later the drunk comes in throught the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink", bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in throught the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk"
the drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

A man walks into a bar with a pie on his head. He orders a beer.
The bartender asks "Why have you got a pie on your head?"
The man replies "It's Wednesday isn't it?"
"No it's Tuesday."
"Agh no!! I must look like a right pratt then!!"

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A man sitting at the bar announces, "If anyone can drink 20 pints of Guinness, I will not only pay for it, but I'll give you a hundred dollars." The bartender pours the 20 pints and lines them up at the bar. The man sitting next to him gets up and leaves. He looks around, and no one is taking his challenge. The man who left, returns to the bar and announces proudly that he can drink all 20 pints. So he does. The man is amazed and gives him the money. Then he asks where he went.
"Well, I had to go to the bar next door and make sure I could do it first"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.
Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."
The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."

Greg lives above a bar, and one day he was walking up the stairs after losing his job. A man comes up to him and says, "You are looking really down. I know how to make you feel better. Watch this. I'll jump off the 4th story and be sucked in the 2nd."
He jumps off and was sucked in through the 2nd story window.
"Wow, that was cool, I'm gonna do it!" says Greg.
Greg jumps off the roof and landed hard on the ground, dead. The man who was safe in the 2nd story walked down to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says to him, "Superman, you shouldn't mess with people's minds like that."

What is black, white, red, and has trouble going through revolving doors?
A nun with a spear in her head.

The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting,
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."

What is the definition of 'suspicion'?
A nun doing push-up's in a cucumber patch.

Three nuns were walking down the road when a flasher jumps out at them. Two of the nuns had a stroke, but the third couldn't reach.

Two nuns were driving down a cobbled street.
One of them said "I've never come this way before."
The other replied "It's the cobbles that make it good."

Two more nuns were driving down the road when a wampyre (That's the correct way to spell vampire, BTW - DJ Ess) jumped onto their bonnet at a red light.
"Mother Superior, Mother Superior, what should we do?" said you young nun in the passenger seat.
"Get out of the car and show him your cross, sister."
So the sister gets out of the car, walks fearlessly up to the wampyre and shouts "Get off the fucking car!"

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested she move to economy since she didn't have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak to her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving.
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked the captain what he said to her. The captain replied:
"I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when shecut up a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde "Stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!" He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny ?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

Q: Why do blondes leave the "C&A" labels in their knickers?
A: So they can tell which way round to wear them
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: HOW DID THE BLONDE DIE ICE FISHING?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she’s pregnant.

Q: What will she ask you?
A: “Is it mine?”

Q: How do you get a blonde off of your knees?
A: Come.

Q: How does a blond spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O

Q: How does a bitchy blonde do it doggy style?
A: She takes off her clothes and makes her boyfriend roll over
and beg.

Q: How does a blond kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal
her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are
all in the middle row.

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: How do you know a blond likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.

Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.

Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: WHY IS A BLONDE LIKE AUSTRALIA?
A: They’re both down under, and no one cares.

Q: WHY DOES A BLONDE LIKE THE NUMBER 77?
A: She likes to be 8 (ate) more.

Q: WHY DON‘T BLONDES LIKE ANAL SEX?
A: They don‘t like their brains being screwed with.

Q: WHY CAN‘T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS?
A: When they aren’t upright, they’re grand.

Q: WHY ARE BLONDES SO EASY TO GET INTO BED?
A: Who cares?

Q: Why can’t blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt’n peckers.

Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A: They spread for the bread.

Q: What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
A: Cherry Float

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she’s got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: a foursome.

Q: What do you give the blonde that has everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost
their popularity?
A: B.J.

Q: Why are blonde’s coffins Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.

Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.

Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It’s too hard to re-train them.

Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

Q: What do blonde virgins eat?
A: Baby food.

Q: What’s the mating call of the blonde?
A: “I’m sooo drunk!”

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) “I said: I’m drunk!”

Q: What’s the mating call of the brunette?
A1: “All the blondes have gone home!”
A2: Has that blonde gone yet?
A3: When is that blond bitch going to leave!?

Q: What’s the mating call of the redhead?
A: “Next!”

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on
Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: WHAT IS BLONDE AND GREEN AND JUMPS FROM BED TO BED?
A: A prostitoad.

Q: WHAT IS 68 TO A BLONDE?
A: Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds
her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange
juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said ‘concentrate’.

Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
A: She wanted to go on a round trip.

Q: Why did the blonde with a big pussy douche with crest?
A: She heard that it reduces cavities.

Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A: She thought it was diet coke.

Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: Why don’t blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don’t know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don’t have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes
driving lessons ?
A: You can also sit upright in a car.

Q: What’s the definition of a metallurgist?
A: A man who can tell if a platinum blonde is a virgin metal
or a common ore.

Q: What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
A: Vaseline and Poli-Grip.

Q: What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and
a dead skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a prostitute?
A: Prostitutes don’t drive Ferrari’s

Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELVIS AND SMART BLONDES?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.

Q: WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A LIGHTBULB?
A: The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

Q: WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A BITCH?
A: A blonde will fuck anyone, a bitch will fuck anyone but you.

Q: WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CORN FARMER WITH EPILEPSY AND
A BLONDE WITH DIARRHEA?
A: One shucks between fits.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
A: One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn’t follow you around
for two weeks whining.

Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What is a blonde’s idea of dental floss?
A: Pubic hair.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had
sugar in her urine?
A: She peed on her corn flakes.

Q: What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she
was making love to him?
A: “Funny, you don’t feel Jewish.”

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had
already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in
her bra?
A: Thanks for the refill.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless
Ming vase?
A “It’s OK Daddy, I’m not hurt.”

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn’t want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)

Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she
has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, “Next”.
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He’s had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don’t tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling
idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a
skinny blonde?
A: One’s a phony buck.

Q: What’s the difference between a chorus line of blondes and
a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: What is every blonde’s ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: WHAT CAN SAVE A DYING BLONDE?
A: Hair transplants.

Q: WHAT DID THE BLOND SAY WHEN SHE WOKE UP UNDER THE COW?
A: What are you guys still doing here?

Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE’S LIFE?
A: Third Grade.

Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES?
A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.

Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER?
A: She didn’t like it because she couldn’t get MTV.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard the British were
coming?
A: She stopped sucking.

Q: What did the blonde say when she was showed her newborn baby in the
delivery room?
A: I’m not going to suck anything that small.

Q: What do UFO’s and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: What does a blond say during a porno?
A: There I am!!

Q: Why doesn’t a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place.

Q: What’s the difference between having sex with a blonde and
eating Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A1: I don’t know, there are some things even a blonde won’t do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won’t
stop until it gets blood.


Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is horny?
A: Stick your hand down her panties. If it feels like a horse
eating oats, she’s horny.

Q: What’s the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: What’s the ultimate embarassment for a blonde?
A: When her Ben-Wa balls set off the airport metal detector.

Q: What’s six inches long, has a bald head, and drives
blondes crazy?
A: A hundred dollar bill.

Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !

Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don’t. They’re born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They’re too hard to peel.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate
chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W’s.

Q: Why don’t blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can’t fit 8 cups of water in the little
packet.

Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.

Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn’t know what
she did with her cigarette.

Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: By the chipped tooth.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I’ll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.

Q: Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a
thunder storm?
A: She loves having her picture taken (flashes, got it?).

Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What does a blonde answer to the question “Are you sexually active?”
A: “No, I just lie there.”

Q: What’s the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
A: “Thanks, guys...”

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.

Q: What does “Bones” McCoy say before he performs brain
surgery on a blonde?
A: “Space. The final frontier......”

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals
team?
A: Just One... Boomer Esiason.

Q: What’s brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who’s told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
A: You don’t, you see if you’ve got 3 condoms.

Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What happens when a blonde puts her panties on backwards?
A: She gets her ass chewed out.

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.

Q: Why can’t blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Why do blonde’s find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don’t have to marry them to have sex with them!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that said she would do
anything for a fur coat?
A: Well, now she can’t button it.(prego)

Q: Did you hear about the sophisticated blonde?
A: She thought her period was French Provincial.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play
it at night.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend say id he loved her?
A: She believed him.

Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
A: It’s called MAIDS - if the don’t get one, they die.

Q: Did you hear about the blond with a Masters degree in Psychology?
A: She’ll blow your mind, too.

Q: Did you hear about the new slogan for Miss Clairol’s Hair Dye?
A: Buy a double batch and get a snatch to match.

Q: Did you hear about the conceited blonde?
A: She screams her own name when she comes.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had an apendix operation?
A: Well, now she is making money on the side.

Q: Did you hear about the scared blonde nurse down by the water?
A: She won’t go DOWN ON THE DOC.

Q: Did you hear about the blond that was treated at the emergency
room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT ALMOST CAUSED A WRECK?
A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE DOCTOR?
A: She shaved her patients, then took off their clothes.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT ATE MOUNTAIN OYSTERS?
A: She was dragged 200 yards.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn’t wait to see 20,000
leagues under the sea?
A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there
were so many teams.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO STOOD IN FRONT OF A MIRROR
WITH HER EYES CLOSED?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL FOR BLONDES?
A: They take off their makeup.

Q: Why won’t a blonde drink beer at the beach?
A: She’s afraid to get sand in her Busch.

Q: Why do blondes wear tight skirts?
A: To keep their legs together.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
A: The balls are lighter, and you don’t have to change shoes.

Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found out she was embezzling.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto
Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: HOW MANY BLONDES DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
A: Blondes screw in back seats, not in lightbulbs, silly.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.

Q: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn’t know what ONE came first...

Q: Why don’t blondes talk when having sex?
A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
A2: Their mothers told them not with their mouths full.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the
blow dryer!

Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick’m, stick’em, and send’em on their way.

Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
what she did with her pencil.

Q1: How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer?
A: There’s white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde’s been using the computer?
A: There’s writing on the white-out.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn’t like it ‘cos she couldn’t get channel 9....

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the
bosses’ faces.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde’s boyfriend?
A: He’s the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression
in her forehead!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

Q: What’s the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a
blonde track team?
A: The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

Q: What is the difference between a crazy fighting hockey player
and a blonde?
A: He is fussy by nature and would go to any length to get a puck.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

Q: What’s the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac,
and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says “Aren’t you done yet?”
The nympho says “Are you done already?”
The blonde says “Beige...I think I’ll paint the
ceiling beige.”

Q: What’s the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don’t let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A: A shower has to be turned on to get wet.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q: What’s the difference between a blond having her period and
a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A: A toilet won’t follow you around after you use it.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, “Cock’ll-doodl-doooo”, while a
blonde says, “Any-cock’ll-doooo.”

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can’t fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
A3: There is no difference. They’re both round and have
three holes to poke.
A4: You don’t eat your bowling ball

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of
York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only ‘had’ 10000 men.

Q: What’s the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with
PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they’re on their back.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They’re doing research on black holes.

Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby’s diapers every
month?
A: Because it says right on it “good for up to 20 pounds.”

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they’re on the train they can tell
if they’re going to work or coming home.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do blondes always drink with straws?
A: Practice.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a
flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don’t know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don’t know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.
A3: Because they are easier to find in the dark.

Q: Why do blonde’s find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don’t have to marry them for sex!

Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don’t get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don’t leave trails, like little snails.

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A: So that when you pull their tits, they don’t moo.
A2: So they don’t shit everywhere when you pull their tits.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: Who cares?

Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them

Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.

Q: What does the postcard from a blond’s vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Q: What do a blonde and a good beer have in common?
A: They both go down easy.

Q: What does a blonde and a tampon have in common?
A: They’re both stuck up c*nts!

Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW’s
A: Because they can’t spell PORSCHE!!

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ?
A: So they know when to stop having sex !

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST—Goods and Services Tax
now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means “Stop, wrong hole.”

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that’s where you’re supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why don’t blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn’t go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don’t blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can’t get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: Why don’t blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can’t remember the number.
A2: She can’t find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the “11” in “9-1-1”.

Q: Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
A: They can’t find the zipper.

Q: Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini
skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

Q: Why don’t blonds breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their niples.

Q: Why don’t blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

Q: Why don’t blondes eat Jello?
A: They can’t figure out how to get two cups of water into
those little packages.

Q: Why don’t blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can’t get their head in the jar.

Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.

Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.

Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate
before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: “What’s a lightbulb?”
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, “Daaady!”

Q: What’s a blonde’s favourite wine?
A: “Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!”

Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747

Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10
bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa
Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them, three don’t exist and the dumb blonde thought
it was a gum wrapper.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who
hits the ground first?
A1: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
A2: The brunette. The blonde is such an air head.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don’t lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q: What’s the difference between a blond and an ice cream cone?
A: Ice cream cones don’t lick back.

Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and “The Titanic”?
A: They know how many men went down on “The Titanic”.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it
won’t follow you around for a week.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: “Nice tits!”

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a
recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
A: Put either of ‘em in a car and their fucked.

Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it’s mine?

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It’s on. It’s off. It’s on. It’s off. It’s on. It’s off.

Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her
thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: “Thanks for the refill!”

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and go seek winner.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.

Q: What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half
with yeast infections?
A: A whine and cheese party!

Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a
street corner?
A: 4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, not for a zillion bucks, 4 bucks!

Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.

Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee’

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher
learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their
head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A: Sweet Fuck All...

Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Bobbing for Bimbos.

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde’s head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde’s eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to
do...

Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks,
four bucks.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don’t know how much either of them mean to you until they
go down on you.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A1: Chances are they’ll both end up in the gutter.
A2: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them
in the gutter and they’ll always come back.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won’t give in?
A: “Have another beer.”

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the (..............)? insert team
name here.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde’s ass?
A: A brain tumor.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brun

ARGH! It trunctuated my post...

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.

Q: What do a blonde and Presdient Gorbachev have in common?
A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
A: He knows who the ten men were.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip
cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

Q: What did the blonde’s mum say to her before the blonde’s date.
A: If you’re not in bed by 12, come home.

Q: What’s the Blonde’s cheer?
A: “ I’m blonde, I’m blonde, I’m B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I’m blonde, I’m blonde, yea yea yea...”

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Never mind that! What was she doing out of the bedroom?!?
R: I don’t know.
A: Neither did she.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

Q: Why did they stop doing the “WAVE” at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.

Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A: They’re mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that’s what they train for all their lives.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said
“DON’T WALK”.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can’t bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn’t get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw “911” on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian?
A: Because she loved children.

Q: Why did the blond take her typewriter to the doctor ??
A: She thought it was pregnant becaus missed a period.

Q: Why did they call the blond twinkie?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.

Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn
around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was
a television.

Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She’d just dyed her hair.

Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it
blown around too much.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her
jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: Why aren’t there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.

Q: WHATS THE DIFFERANCE BETWEEN A FRIDGE AND A FANNY?
A: A FRIDGE DOSN’T FART WHEN YOU TAKE THE MEAT OUT.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q: Why does it work?
A: “Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?”

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: What is the blonde’s favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

Q: What is the blonde’s favorite battery?
A: Ever-ready.

Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A: A blond doing cartwheels.

Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A: A vacant possession.

Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers license ?
A: She wasn’t used to the front seat!

Q: Why did she finally pass her test?
A: She took the examiner with her

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!

Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They’re both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

Q: How do you know when a blond’s been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win

Q: Why are blondes so sexually promiscuous?
A: Who cares

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray

Q: What’s the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor

Q: What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.?
A: Nail polish!
(Appendix: For those of you who are Brits, the A.C.T. is a
College entrance examination. Highest score possible is 36.
Average is about 18-20, I think.)

(Visual Joke)
Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first
time?
A: “How do you shift this thing?” (you make jacking off motions)


Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Q: What’s the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde
and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
A: One’s a bike in a ditch, and the other’s . . . .

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: Why don’t they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can’t get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?
A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the
Blonde Joke List.

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde’s vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she’d ever been picked up by ‘the fuzz’?
A: ‘No. But I’ve been swung around by the tits.’

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of
Cheerios?
A: “Oh look! Donut seeds!”

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What’s a blonds’ favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: A blond electrician!

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.


What sort of file do you need to make a small hole bigger?

A pedophile.


What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most gorgeous woman enters the room. The man is dumbfounded by this woman's beauty and comments about her to his mates.
"Yeah, she is pretty good." his mate replies, "Pity she's a man."
The man is shocked. "Fuck off she is." he says.
"No, it's true. A friend of mine knows him personally."
The man is disappointed that such a fine looking woman, is in fact a man. But at the same time, he is curious. He tells his mates that he is going to find out what sex he/she really is.
So the man goes up to the 'woman' and strikes up a conversation. They hit it off really well. and the man is loving it because this woman is even better close up. Before long the man suggests that he drive them out to a secluded spot and get to know each other. The woman agrees. Before the man can say 'fuckmewithatenfootbargepole' they have driven to the woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the car. The continue the 'clothes on' making out for a while, until the woman gets out of the car, explaining that she has to answer to the call of nature.
This is my chance says the man, "I'll follow her and find out what sex she is."
So he walks into the woods ducking behind trees in case he is seen, until he sees the woman standing with something long dangling between her legs.
"Fuck me she's got a dick!" he thinks, "She's a man." the man is outraged and races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.
"Oh my gosh!" The woman cries, "I didn't know you were following me!"
"And I didn't know you were taking a shit." the man replies.

There was this 92-year-old woman whose body was covered from head to toe with big festering pus-filled boils. They were on her face, her arms and her legs...everywhere. Each was filled with mucus and blood.
This old lady was also a masochist, so she put an ad in the paper offering to pay anyone five thousand dollars if they would bite off each and every one of her boils. She didn't get any immediate response, but sure enough after a while this guy was desperate for money and agreed to do the job. He showed up at the woman's house and she came out in a robe. She peeled it off and revealed her boil covered body. The guy groaned at the tought of the task ahead of him, but he just kept concentrating on the five grand and went to work, biting on a boil on the woman's arm until it popped blood and puss all over his face.
He kept going for over five hours, biting off the boils between the elderly woman's toes and in her armpits. He bit off boils on her inner thighs and inside of her ears. Finally he was finished and he fell back with a pant, covered with
blood, pus, mucous and dripping with sweat. The woman lay on the bed a mass of crimson patches of bruises and ripped flesh.
"Okay lady…" the man said with a gasp, "I did it… Now give me the five grand..."
"Just a second, sonny…" the woman said with a grin, "There's one more left!"
She bent over and spread her wrinkled withered butt cheeks to reveal a gigantic boil about the size of a baby's head growing right out of her ass. The man rolled his eyes and gagged and said to himself..."What the hell, I've gone this
far...only one left...I need the money...what the hell..." and then dove face first at the butt boil, gnawing and biting at it repeatedly trying to make it pop.
Then, out of the blue, the old woman let out a giant fart.
The man reeled back from between her butt crack and yelled at her:
"WHAT ARE YA TRYING TO DO LADY...MAKE ME SICK?"

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my bum."
The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"Fuck me!!" says the doctor " What could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".

Why doesn't Bosnia have an Olympic team?
Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already over the border

What's this? (stand with your arms outstretched, like an airplane)
A really shitty way to spend Easter

Q. What's red and white and sits in trees?
A.A sanitry owl.

Two homeless drunken fuck-ups are wandering through the streets at an ungodly hour scrounging through rubbish bins, dumpsters and such for their dinner. The first guy looks up and says "Hey, I just found a dead rat- you want some?" whereupon the second shakes his head in disgust and says "no way, are you outta your mind?!?". The first guy says, "fine, more for me" and proceeds to scoff down the dead rat.
About 20 minutes later, the first guy finds a dead squirrel. The second again refuses his offer to share, and the first again chows down on the offensive fare.
Less than 10 minutes after that, the first finds a dead cat, and the same scenario unfolds.
Later that night, the first guy vomits up the entire contents of his stomach.
"AHHH!" says the second. "Just what I've been waiting for - a hot meal!"

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with
nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!!"

The successful (and handsome) contractor parked his brand-new Porsche Boxster in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door. The contractor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 999, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the contractor started
screaming hysterically. His car, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the contractor finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you contractors are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the contractor arrogantly.
The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your right arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Fuck!" screamed the contractor. "Where's my Rolex?"

A man walks into a bar that is trying sponsoring the ultimate off-the-wall politically incorrect contest--dwarf tossing is nothing compared to this! The contest is for the man who brings a wife or girlfriend with the smelliest pussy. Our hero walks up to the stage and tells the M.C. the contest is as good as over; in a minute he will bring in the smelliest pussy in the world! The M.C. says to go ahead and everyone gasps as the man drags in a huge, fat, bloated woman. "Look at her!" says the M.C., "She's so fat and bloated she can't even walk! My God her pussy stinks!"
When she reaches the stage the M.C. is ready to concede the contest even before the man pulls up her skirt and drops her panties. When he does this the audience starts gagging and retching right and left! The M.C. hurriedly passes our man the prize money and says "You certainly won this hands down, but tell me: How on earth can you live with the smell of this woman's cunt?"
"It's not really that hard. You kind of get used to it." says the winner, "After all, she's been dead about two weeks now!"

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him ... so he says he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his £50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his £50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.
"Ha!", the man says, "can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I get its pyjamas off."

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre… So the barman gave her one!

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch Bic?"

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."

There are 2 men sitting in a bar and they are drinking their beers when one of the men looks to the end of the bar and realizes that Neil Armstrong is sitting at the end of the bar. After some debate amongst themselves whether the man is Armstrong or not, one of the men gathers up the nerve to go up to the man and ask if indeed he is the American Icon.
He gets to the end of the bar and asks, "excuse me sir, I couldn't help but notice that you are Neil Armstrong.
Mr. Armstrong replies, "well yes I am how may I help you?" The man states that it was a pleasure to meet him since Neil Armstrong has always been a big idol and role model in his life. Mr. Armstrong thanks him and asks him what he does for a living. "I am a journalist" replies the man. Mr. Armstrong gives a sigh and replies "Oh, Okay." The man continues and asks him if he has a problem with journalists. Mr. Armstrong says no but states that reporters and the media had misquoted him on his moon walk statement. The man asks him what he means. Mr. Armstrong replies, you guys reported I said "Once small step for man, one giant step for man kind", but what I really said was "once small step for man, one giant step for Matt Kline."
"Who the hell is Matt Kline?" replied the man.
"Matt Kline is a good friend of mine ever since we were kids, we went to the same high school, college, we even served in the service at the same time. We where both in the Apollo space program but he didn't make the cut," said Armstrong.
"Okay" replied the man.
"Well one day I was the best man at Matt's wedding and when the reception was over, I noticed that there were some packages left in the banquet room. Not wanting to have the couple go off without all of their gifts, I ran the packages up to their suite. when I got to the door I heard Matt's wife say, 'the day I put that in my mouth will be the day a man walks on the moon!"

An Irishman walks into a bar as the bartender turns away in disgust from seeing the pile of shit the Irishman is holding. "Hey Harry---Look what I almost stepped in!"

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: "Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."
The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

A guy walks into a bar. His buddy laughs and says, "Don't worry, I didn't see it either." (What's that one doing here? - DJ Ess)

So a dyslexic walks into a bra . .


What did one homosexual say to the other homosexual at the gay bar?
Can I push your stool in?

Two homosexuals were talking, and one had a pained look on his face.
"What's the matter, Brucie?" asked the other homosexual.
"Oh, I have something stuck up my ass, Markie. Could you check it out for me?"
"OK -- bend over."
So Brucie bends over and Markie sticks his hand up his ass.
"It's deeper, Markie!" says Brucie, so Markie sticks his hand in deeper.
"It's deeper, Markie!", so Markie sticks his hand in deeper.
"I feel it!" says Markie, "What is that?"
"It's deeper, Markie!" says Brucie, so Markie puts his hand in deeper, still.
"Ew!", says Markie, "It's wrapped around my wrist! What -is- that?!" He pulls his hand out and looks at it. "It's a Rolex watch!", he says, "What are you doing with a Rolex watch up your ass?"
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…"

Jonny the homosexual is showering with his boyfriend, Danny, all of a sudden Jonny notices a little cum-looking puddle on the ground and get's furious :
Danny, what did I tell you about farting in the shower?

Two lesbians in a bath.
Lesbian one ... Where's the soap ?
Lesbian two ... Yes it does doesn't it !

There's two homosexuals inside an old abandoned house having anal sex, when suddenly one realizes their out of Vaseline! So one of the homosexuals tells the other homosexuals he'll be back in a while, with more Vaseline, and not to jack-off. Later, when he returns, he sees cum all over the walls and floor, this angers him, and enraged he asks the other homosexual "Why did you jack-off?" Then the other homosexual says, "I didn't jack-off, I farted."

There's a homosexual who wakes in the morning and he walks into the kitchen, and sees his boyfriend Johnny jacking off into a bag, so then Ralph (the first gay guy) asks "what are you doing?" To which Johnny replies, "Packing your lunch."

How does a homosexual fake an orgasm.
He spits on the other guys back and moans

Three Homosexuals are discussing their fantasies..
The first says "OOOo, my fantasy is to be a hair dresser and do nothing but touch people's hair and cut the hair of famous people and wash hair. OOoooo, that would be sooo sexy."
The second says "I'd love to be a top fashion designer and desgin all the new clothes and have the sexy models model them on the catwalk and have everyone love my clothes. That would be super."
The third one says "I'd love to be playing in a game of football with the Canberra Raiders (an Australian team) against the Brisbane Broncos (another Aussie team)"
The other two say "Is that all?"
Homo 3 replies "Oh not at all. I can imagine it. We're down by one try. There's two minutes left. Laurie Dayley passes me the ball. I run down the full length of the field, dodging all the Broncos. And then two metres from the try line I fumble, drop the ball, the siren goes and the broncos win the game and my team loses."
The other two look dumbfounded. "How is that a fantasy?" they ask.
Couldn't you imagine it? says #3, " Ten thousand Canberra fans screaming "FUCK HIM! FUCK HIM!!"

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotapus

What do two lesbians need to marry?
A liquor license

Two condoms are walking down the street and pass by a local gay pub. They stop outside of the pub and one condom says to the other, "What do you say we go in and get shit-faced tonight!!

Two gays are walking down the street, when they see a dog licking its balls.
Says one, "Gee I wish I could do that."
The other one says, "Yeah, but you'd better pet it first."

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A. A liquor cabinet.

What do 400lb. gerbils do for fun??
Shove fags up their asses.

What do you call two Russian lesbians?
Ulic and Ilic

If you had a homosexual on your back, would you beat him off?

What do the gerbils say when the homosexuals come into the pet store?
Woof, woof, woof, bow wow bow wow etc.

Two gay guys walking past a funeral home one says to the other "Do you want to go inside and suck down a couple of cold ones?" (That is sick… That really is sick… DJ Ess)

These two guys walk into a bar and start taking shots of whiskey. After about four shots they start disputing over who has the larger penis. They decide to whip them out onto the bar.
About that time a gay guy comes walking right up between them.
He say's to the bartender "I'll have the chicken wings," then looking down at the bar turns to the bartender again and say's "Never mind... I'll just have the buffet!"

This guy walks into a bar (not knowing it was a bar for gays) and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "First you have to tell me the name of your penis."
The guy says, "What?"
The bartender repeated, "Tell me the name of your penis and I'll fix you a drink."
The guy said to the bartender, "Tell me the name of your penis, and I'll tell you mine."
The bartender said, "Chevy… It's hard as a rock."
The guy said, "Ok...my penis' name is 'Secret'. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

4 gay guys walk into a bar there is only one stool. What do they do?
They turn it over.

A guy walks into a bar and says "I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls."
A gay guy in the corner goes "MOOOOOOO!"

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on his shoulder. He throws the alligator on the bar and orders a beer. The bartender ask why he has the alligator-the man replies that the alligator can do tricks. The bartender as what he can do.
The man pulls out a little hammer from his pocket and hits the alligator on the head-the alligator opens his mouth real wide-the man takes out his penis and puts it in the alligators mouth-the man then hits the alligator on the head with the hammer and the alligator closes his mouth but stops just short of biting his penis. The man hits the alligator on the head again and he opens his mouth. He removes his penis.
The man says "I bet there isn't another person in this room brave enough to do that."
A gay man stands up in the back of the room and replies "I will! I will! If you don't hit me so hard in the head with that hammer."

A guy walks into a bar and asks "who wants to play Bar Room Football?"
The bartender asks "what is Bar Room Football?"
The guy says "I'll show you." He takes a mug of beer and he says "to get a touchdown, you have to chug down the entire mug of beer at once" and he does it. He then says "to get the extra point, you then have to pull down your pants and fart," and he does it. He then says "does anyone want to play?"
A gay fellow who was sitting in the corner says "I'd like to play" so the game begins. The guy chugs the beer then pulls down his pants and as he is about to fart, the gay pulls down his pants and rams his penis in the guy's ass and begins to shout "block that kick, block that kick"

A gay guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender,
"Is this a gay bar?"
"No." replies the bartender.
"O.K. I'll just take a glass of water and sit in the corner."

A gay man was travelling through Wyoming when he walked into a bar in a little cowboy town one afternoon and was surprised to find it deserted. "Where ith everybody?" he lisped.
"Down at the hanging at the town square." was the bartender's reply.
"Ooh...I've never seen a hanging," said the gay man, "How do I get there?" The bartender gave him directions, and, an hour later, the gay man returned---rather shaken. "What did that poor boy do to deserve such a fate?" he asked.
"He was a fucking fag." replied the bartender.
The gay man drew himself up, "NO SHIT!!!" he said in a deep booming voice.

This depressed man walks into a bar and starts talking to the bartender. The man says, "I just found out today that my older brother is gay!"
The bartender replies, "Gee that's terrible. I'll give you a drink on the house." The man drinks the drink and then walks out.
The next day, the same man walks into the bar again looking even more depressed. The bartender starts talking to him again. The man replies, "I just found out today that my younger brother is gay!"
The bartender replies, "Gee that's awful. I'll give you another drink on the house." The man drinks the drink and then walks out. The following day, the same man crawls into the bar in a really bad shape. The bartender asks, "My God man, what happened to you?"
The man replies, "I just found out that my dad is gay!" The bartender replies, "Doesn't anybody in your family like pussy?" The man thinks for a little while and then says, "Yeh, my sister!"

A gay guy walks into a bar with a small paper bag and says "the guy that can tell me what's in this bag can go home with me tonight."
An big mean oversized biker turns and says "there is a 20 ton pink polka dotted elephant in your bag".
The room erupts with laughter.
The gay guy opens the bag, peeks in and says "I think we have a winner".

This guy is sitting at a bar having a few wobbly-pops and suddenly gets this feeling that he has to go make an urgent call to the potty. So he goes into the bathroom and sees this really short guy taking a piss. He takes the stall next to this short guy, and while taking a piss the guy happens to look over at the little guy and by accident sees his dick. He just can't help saying to the guy "man that is a big dick! I wish that I had a dick that big!"
"Well" says the little guy," I'm leprechaun and I can grant you one wish, and all you have to do is suck on me wang!"
In horror of the thought the man exclaims, "I don't think so you little faggot, even for a dick that size!"
"Fine then" says the leprechaun.
But after a minute of thinking the man says "Alright I'll do it." So the man starts to suck the leprechaun's dick and when he is finished he says "I can't believe that I am going to have a dick that big!"
And the little guy says, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"

This fag walks into a bar and sits down at the counter and orders a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says "We don't serve your kind in here. Get the hell out."
The fag says "It's hotter than hell outside and I could really use a cold beer. I'll just sit over in the corner and not bother anyone if you'll just get me one beer."
The bartender says "No, I told you we don't serve your kind in here so get the hell out now."
The fag says "How bout if I take a drink out of this spitoon will you give me a drink?"
"NO, get out before I call the cops." says the bartender.
The fag picks up the spitoon and starts drinking out of it. "That's disgusting put that shit down and get the hell out of here!" the bartender says.
The fag keeps on drinking.
"STOP!!" yells the bartender. "You're grossing out my customers!"
The fag still keeps on drinking.
"FINE, FINE!! Here's your fucking beer, just put that shit down!"
The fag is still drinking.
Finally the fag puts the spitoon down. The bartender says "Why in the hell did you keep drinking out of that spitoon? I gave you you're damn beer."
The fag replies "I couldn't stop, it was all one wad!"

A guy walks into this bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a Budweiser." So the bartender gets him a Bud. The man is enjoying his beer when he notices two beautiful blondes at the end of the bar. The man noticing that his beer is empty says, "Hey bartender, another Bud, and get those ladies at the end of the bar a drink on me." The bartender gives the man his Bud, and says "Don't bother getting those girls a drink, it won't do you any good. You're just wasting your time." The man says, "Naaa. Give em one on me." So the bartender pours the girls a drink and gives em to the blondes.
The girls out of respect raise their glasses, in a sort of thank you, and take a drink. The man now figures he's in. So he walks over to the girls. He notices that the girls are empty again. So the man yells, "Hey bartender, how about another round over here?" The two girls look up at him and one says, "It won't do you any good. You're just wasting your time." Well the man puzzled, says, "The bartender said the same thing. What the hell does that mean I'm just wasting my time??" The other blonde says, "Well we're lesbians, we love to eat pussy!!" The man now has a huge smile on his face and yells to the bartender, "Hey bartender, 3 beers for us lesbians!!!"


Yo Momma is so fat, when she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
Yo Momma is so fat, when she dances she makes the band skip.
Yo Momma is so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
Yo Momma is so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Yo Momma is so fat, her ass has its own MP.
Yo Momma is so fat, when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
Yo Momma is so fat, her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Yo Momma is so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
Yo Momma is so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
Yo Momma is so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
Yo Momma is so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Momma"
Yo Momma is so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo Momma is so fat, when she gets in an lift, it HAS to go down.
Yo Momma is so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Yo Momma is so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.
Yo Momma is so fat, she could sell shade.
Yo Momma is so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her. (Look out for a guy fluffing this joke in 'We Get Sued'...)
Yo Momma is so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.
Yo Momma is so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Yo Momma is so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo Momma is so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
Yo Momma is so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
Yo Momma is so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
Yo Momma is so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Yo Momma is so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo Momma is so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
Yo Momma is so fat, when her pager bleeps people think she is reversing.
Yo Momma is so fat, her nickname is DAMN!

Yo Momma is so fat, after sex I roll over twice and I'm still on top.

Yo Momma is so fat, I have to roll her in flour to find the wet patch.

What's the difference between David Beckham and a cunt?
A cunt is useful!

What has Posh Spice and the England team got in common?
They both get screwed by David Beckham

What do you call a girl with two cunts?
Posh Spice

What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh Spice?
Posh Spice doesn't kick when taken from behind.

When he got to New York after the match Posh Spice cooked him a special meal including pheasant. David didn't want it as he preferred to get in the Jacuzzi. Its not the first time he's thrown the game for an early bath.

What's the difference between David Beckham and a new Airfix model?
One's a glueless kit...

What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
Waste of Spice

What have Posh Spice and David Beckham got in common?
They're both fucking crap footballers

David Beckham walks into a pub.
The barman says "Pint, Dave?"
Beckham replies "No, just a half then I'm off."

Why does Posh Spice always go on top when she and Dave are having sex?
Beckham can only fuck up.

Why does David Beckham win when playing poker?
He keeps getting red cards.

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank, "I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?"
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham.
The receptionist replies "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker..."

David Beckham goes down to breakfast with Posh Spice. She takes one look at him and fawns, "Mmm, David -- you look great."
Not one to miss his cue, Beckham does the necessary: pretty soon, they're getting down to a good old bit of heavy petting on the kitchen table. Posh Spice runs her hands over his body, and whispers, "Mmm, David -- you feel great, too." Then she nuzzles up to him and the next thing he knows, she's pulled away from him in disgust. "Yeugh, David -- you smell absolutely terrible".
Poor, sensitive lad that he is, Beckham is a bit perturbed by this revelation. He decides to seek a bit of practical help from his doctor. So off he toddles to the surgery, and says, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong with me. I look great and I feel great, but I smell absolutely terrible." The doc ponders these symptoms, and elects to give Beckham a thorough physical examination. Once he's done this, he nods sagely, and says, "Yes, I think I've found out what's wrong with you, Mr Beckham."
"What is it, Doc?" pipes up the plucky young pretty-boy.
The doc replies, "You're a cunt."

Beckham is doing an after dinner talk. Finishing up, he says "And the best thing about them is that they are only two calories, and they keep you breath fresh for up to two hours."
"David?" said a guy at the back, "We asked you to talk about tactics."

Bumper Stickers:
Well driven? Call 999, it's been stolen
Thanks for parking so close, next time leave a can opener so I can get my car out
Assholes like you should take the bus! Up yours!
If you think this car is dirty try a night with the driver
Life's too short to dance with ugly men/women.
I LIKE CATS! They taste like chicken.
Men are proof that women can take a joke.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
"Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy"
ESCHEW OBFUSCATION. (Eschew: To avoid, and Obfuscation: Over-complication, confusion - DJ Ess)
LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
Your kid may be an honour student, but you're still an idiot.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal.
WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS
I fish! Therefore, I lie.
Nuke the Whales.
I swerve for cats.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car... (They were screaming "Stop reading that insanely long bumper sticker and watch the road!!!")
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the Tax Office.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If Blair is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins.
Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun.
Did you check if your horn works?
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
BLAIR HAPPENS.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
If you don't like my driving, stay off the pavement.
I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tyre.
I can only please one person a day, and today ain't your day... (tomorrow ain't looking good either).
Men are idiots and I married their king.
National Atheist's Day April 1
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
i souport publik edekasion
All generalisations are false.
Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
Born Free... Taxed to Death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Tax Office: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
I'm objective; I object to everything.
Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
No matter where you go, you're there.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
Life's a beach, and then you drown.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Have a nice day... somewhere else.
It's been Monday all week.
Gravity always gets me down.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
If God intended man to smoke, he would have set him on fire.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
Check out the best on-line magazine in the world : www.hslife.free-online.co.uk
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it Happened.
I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.
I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.
They're not hot flushes...they're POWER SURGES!
I'm back by popular demand.
CAUTION! I drive like you do!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
WARNING: mental backup in progress.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Life is too complicated in the morning.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you"… I'm sure going to miss her.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Today's subliminal message is: ( )
My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
Grow your own dope. Plant a man.
My karma ran over your catma.
I brake for...wait...AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
I'm not driving fast-just flying low.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do.
Welcome to Milton Keynes. Now go home!
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
HANG-UP & DRIVE
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. (I like that one - DJ Ess)
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I've had a shag in BEDFORD.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

thank fuck.

my eyes feel like they have had mustard rubbed into them after reading all that shite!!

;D

Sexism, homophobia and "yo momma" jokes.


*sigh*

Fuck me you can read fast, Rosie =]

I win the crap jokes competition, I reakon (even though some of those were good).

Dijon?

Sexism, homophobia and "yo momma" jokes.
It's all I could get at in a hurry.
Sorry.

But David Beckham jokes and Nun jokes are in there too...

/coat

Oh, sorry about the gay jokes, AP - nothing personal, obviously.

I forgot you were gay - sorry =/

ur a joke killer Grim......

Grim. I'm not gay.

FFS

Grim, sorry you dont, unfortunatly you did not read the never written rule of repeating someones joke, namely one of my shite ones.

Seriously?
Sorry, I thought I'd read somewhere on here that your were.
Oh well, my mistake.
Sorry, no offence meant. Again.

Plindoe - no! Which one?

AP: I thought it was strange for a gay man to havbe a net-handle of 'ArsePuppy' =]

The name's origins has no connection to arses or dogs either.

AP: How is that possible?

*Hits 88mph*


arsepuppy, 14:22 14 March 2003 [edit] :
Ok, well a couple of years ago at uni, me, Jeff and a couple of others were doing an assignment on the Habbo Hotel chatroom thingy. We had to decide on aliases and all that, but me being a bit spaced out and monged at the time (sadly, if you met me you'd realise this isn't at all rare), the first thing that came to my head was "Bumdog". Fuck Knows Why. I'm not a dog, or into bums so it's especially weird. Anyway, from then on I have been referred to as Bumdog. A few people who call me that don't even know my real name or anything. It's kind of evolved a bit though, I get called stuff like bumpuppy and Dog of Bum and stuff sometimes.

The Arsepuppy thing is kind of an evolution except it started as part of my stalking of Jess (only joking). To disguise my identity, I chose the name Arsepuppy for here because nobody would ever guess it's me, because "Arsepuppy" is nothing like "Bumdog" at all. No way.

Anyway, shit story, dunno why I bothered now.


If I have to explain it one more time, I'll demand it be put in the FAQ or something ;)

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?






















Nothing. You already told her twice!





Bad I know

AP: K - although I think your putting the 'not gay' bit in bolds is a sign of denial from a repressed homosexual life =P

Plindoe: Bah. I conceed.

added to the FAQ:

www.iamcal.com/about.php?page=3

LOL

Can you add the line at the end:

"So in conclusion: Arsepuppy: not gay"


Grim: Shut it bitch!


:)

Hah - I wear nail varnish when I go out clubbing sometimes so I can hardly complain about anyone else being 'a bit camp'.

And the origins of the name Grim... are regually questioned as well, especially when I blast off about the dots not being used correctly...

okaaay grrrrimmer okaaaay.

=]

to which the reply is "are you threatening me chay"
(but you knew that)

then i say "yeah"
and you say.....

Technically, Chandler, OK is never a threat, no matter how many "A"'s you put on the end.

Except I think I've got that wrong, because he didn't say maybe, he said 'Yeah.'

So what the hell are you on about?

it is when you mean it to mean what i mean it to mean and i mean it to mean "Okaaaaaay Grimmer Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay"

:D

=]

I'm going to pass the exams and become an officer.

Oh, come on, wise up, Chandler!

You'll have to salute me, Grimmer! You'll have to call me "sir!" You'll have to give me Redmaiden! And me cigarettes!

And on that day, Chandler, Satan will be skating to work.

(heehee, nice edit)

(thankyou)

Balance of Power contains one of the funniest dialoges... Something like:

I'm just saying that with times as good as those, there's no point in letting something small and silly like this come between a friendship that we've nurtured like a flower, and watched it bloom into something rare and special.

Ok, give me Kockanski.

Smeg off, dishwasher-breath! You won't turn me back on!

What, Rimsy-Wimsy-Mimsy, me bestest ever pal?



Classic =]

heehee