Posted by
Sul, 15:54, 8th August 2003:
“Freeze mother fucker!” came the scream from the front door, “now slowly move your hands away from the cookies”. It was Jack’s mum, a masculine women, burly with a deep, husky voice. She was so masculine, in fact, that she could have had a cock under her summer floral dress and it wouldn’t have surprised you. Jack backed away and done what his mother said. “I only wanted a snack” he whined. “Come here!” commanded his mother. Again Jack did as he was told. “Did you sell that cow yet?” she asked.
“Which one, Susannah or Trinny?”
“You know full well I mean Trinny, Susannah is being kept incase we need to perform an emergency human sacrifice”
“Oh yes I forgot, I’ll head out to the market now.”
So Jack folded Trinny neatly in half and carefully placed her in his rucksack.
At the market Jack wasn’t having much luck:
“Wanna buy my cow missus? She’ll take as much a kicking as you want to give her, only 20 English pounds.” – But Cheryl Tweedy just walked on by.
“Here Mista, wanna cow off the telly? You look like a bloke who likes to hit women. Only 20 quid for a your very own supply of easily bruised flesh” – But John Leslie walked on by.
“Now you look like you need some fashion tips if I ever did see. Life long abuse only 20 bar” – But Ruby Wax just walked on by.
And on it went, rejection after rejection. Just as Jack was about to give up hope a friendly face approached. It was the friendly face of Les Dennis. “Want to buy an arsefaced cow Mister Dennis?” asked Jack. “Well I don’t really know” came Les’s inevitable Mavis Riley impression. Jack laughed a false laugh that faded into a near whimper. “Only 20 pounds Mister Dennis. It’s a bargain.” Jack continued. “Well I do need a new wife,” said Les, “and she does need to beat how much of a twat my last one was.” Jack could feel the sale coming to a close. “Only problem is I’m skint as that Holden bitch is wiping me out.”
“Argh crap!” thought Jack. “Well what have you got to offer me?” he asked.
“Well lets see,” said Les as he rummaged through his pockets. “I’ve got a sopping wet handkerchief, 17 pence and a box of 10 Regal King-size, errr, 7 missing”.
“It’s a deal,” screamed Jack, snapping up the chance to get some smokes. They exchanged their wares and went their separate ways.
When Jack got home he was greeted by his mother. “Hello Jack,” she said, “I see you’ve sold that useless cow. Well done. How much did you get for her?”. “Well,” started Jack, “the only interested person was Les Dennis, and he could only afford, a wet handkerchief, 17 pence, and these three Regal King-size.”
“What have you done you stupid boy?” cried Jacks mother, “you know that wherever Les Dennis’s tears are the press are sure to follow. Do you really want them to know that this is where Angus Deaton disposes of his OD’d whore’s bodies?”
“Fuck,” said Jack, “what have I done? As soon as Jamie Theakston finds out he’ll be around like a shot bringing all his strange non-christian values with him. We can’t have that, what’ll we do ma?”
Jack’s mother jumped into action. “We have to bury all the evidence that says we’ve been near Les Dennis. Quick go bury all that gear in the Garden and I’ll get your dinner on the table. No-one need ever know about this.”
Jack buried the wet Handkerchief, Regal King-size and 17 pence deep at the bottom of the garden. He headed back indoors so he and his mother could continue their quiet lives. He ate chips, peas, beans, and fish fingers for dinner. It was lovely.
The next morning Jack arose from his bed. He had had a fantastic night’s sleep, dreaming of jelly wrestling between Jordan and Janette Krankie. However, he was surprised how dark it seemed outside. When he looked out of the window he beheld an amazing site, for there in front of him was a huge tobacco plant towering high into the clouds
Part 2 to come……..
Posted by
Sul, 14:51, 12th August 2003:
My less accepted work it appears. People in the office kinda gave me that look too.
:)
Posted by
mikey_boy, 16:00, 12th August 2003:
wait a minute ... this sounds strangely familiar ... is this the one where Tara Palmer Tompkinson turns up wearing a giant rizla?