iamcal.com Since May 2000

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• Hello!

Not that i've got anything to say of course.


So what do you think of the pedestrianization of Norwich City Center?

I'm currently writing my "Pulling Birds While Working on the Helpdesk" guide*. So far I have the follow tips:

1: When resetting passwords advise them to write it down on a bit of paper and use the following format: (YourName07xxxxxxxxx) where 07xxxxxxxxx is your telephone number.

2: When asked the common question, “Is it really stressful there?” reply with something like, “yeah it’s stressful but not as bad as when I was teaching English to under privileged 5 year olds in Mongolia. That was stressful. But it’s all worth the while when they tell you ‘Thank you Mr Sullivan. You’ve changed my life forever. No longer will the days be dark and gloomy since you taught me English in this roomy’”

3: Always sign off the telephone in as cool a manner as possible. Remember, you need to break down the business-like conversation boundaries. The more relaxed you are the more relaxed she’ll be. Try using “word out” or an even more nonchalant “whatever” before hanging up.

4: A vital thing all ladies are looking for is someone to provide protection for them. Not in the condom vending machine sense but from danger in the form of muggers and lizards trying to steal their eggs. You can achieve the illusion that you’re well ‘ard over the telephone by stiffening up one of you lips and talking while holding your nose. If she enquires why you’re speaking funny you can inform her of the ruckus you got into last Thursday where you single handedly protected your small group of purely platonic female friends from a large group of drunken, bad-tempered commandos.

*These havent worked for me yet but they will soon

Problem is that if you pull you have to fix their computer. And they might buy you dorky programming books as birthday presents. Or put a "127.0.0.1" sign on your door.

The consequences are unimaginably bad.

"We're not just going out, we're an Extreme Programming pair too!"

You could try shifting in your chair noisily, till either she mentions it, or you 'suddenly' feel the need to apologise for it. Then...

"I'm terribly sorry I keep shifting about, but my enormous penis makes siting on a normal size chair uncomfortable, and my boss won't pay for a chaise longue (spelling?) to allow me to get the end of it off the floor, as it rubs on the carpet. So sorry. Anyway, you were saying...?"

Worth a go.

A few more tips:

5: As the user/customer on the end of the phone will never have met you, you need to paint a mental image of what you look like in their head. With practice you can make this a subtle art.
You: Ouch!
User: Ohh what’s up?
You: I just caught my knee on this tiny desk. Its really tough sometimes being so tall... dark and handsome.

6: It’s a common misconception that all IT personnel get paid loads. Of course we don’t but it helps to play on it. Lasses love a man who can provide. If you can, mention top brand foodstuffs that you recently bought.

7: She’s the damsel in distress, the PC is the dragon and you’re the knight in shining armour. Fix those problems first line. All those birds in the fairy tales had itchy knickers for the knight.

8: All women subconsciously want a virile man to help them open up a sprog farm. Again this is a difficult attribute to get across over the phone but practice makes perfect:
You: If you could find the icons on the system tray please.
User: The little ones?
You: Yes. Oh that reminds me. I’ve got to pay my 23 child support bills today.

I admire your powers of self-delusion.

8. No worky. They realise that all your money is accounted for, and can't go onto them. Cue sound of rapidly disappearing high heels...

so sul, where do i queue?

Christ! It's a winner!

*newfound respect for sul*

Brock: You're forgetting the top-brand foodstuffs, innit. ;)

The ladies may form an orderly queue at Waterloo (London) train station where adequate policing can be available if things turn nasty.

and when do the auditions commence?

Thursday 15th January at 6PM

;-)

Do some more Sul... These are well funny...

Funny? Were they supposed to be funny?

Goddamn it. Now I have 24hrs of groundwork to undo...

oh come on, the sure fire way to bag chicks when you work on helpdesk is to just give them priotity 1 for every call - even if they just cant be arsed to refill their printer paper. also to ensure they get the best kit. i tell ya, at my previous firm it was legendary what some chicks would do for a cordless mouse

reeeallly? *makes note*

*resists the urge to start a "right which one of you lot has got a cordless mouse and how did you get it" thread*

I have a cordless mouse. i bought it.

i have a cordless mouse. i took a pair of scissors to my regular mouse. it doesnt work any more.

I have a trackball. i had to kick up a fuss to get it. Then they took the cost out of my wages. Bastards.

well, at least you can take it with you when you leave if you paid for it. why would anyone want a trackball though?

LAZY PEOPLE! "Oh I cant be arsed to move my whole hand"

what you want is a graphics tablet.. much better and more fun than a mouse and you can get handwriting recognition software so you dont even have to type anymore.

Because of my large, manly, hands, I find that mice are too small, and I get cramp when I am doing CAD stuff.
Obviously your nancy effeminate hands are ideally suited for such things...

Vic, he say

He's right, I think. If you want to know what totty wants, you have to ask totty. AngelD seems to be a good source of info.

I've been in IT support for 10 years and even though I give the hot totty priority the only thing I've ever got was a peck on the cheek.

And just a thought about women wanting men with a huge dong. A lot of them don't like it when they get one, cos sinking the whole plunger can be painful for them.

It's not that unpopular. You just have to have your hand around the last 3 inches to stop it going in so you don't snap their spines.

Oh, and AngelD? is she any relation to SunnyD?

I spend enough time gripping the damn thing as it is without having to do it while I'm on the job as well.

Brock, are you talking from experience?

I'd say average is the way to go, not too big, not too small, although it all depends on how much the girl 'puts it about' as to how it'll fit ;)

Hoo this is a hot topic...*blushes* Trim are you a girl?

i like to ask myself that question sometimes...

Aw, c'mon Trim...I need some moral support here in this male-dominated domain. I had to show my TITS girl! You gotta have some sympathy.

Being as none of you can prove otherwise. Of course I'm talking from experience.

Roll up! Roll up! Eligible bachelors are here! And ready for you! Ladies of the world, we present the cream of the Internet's manhood: iamcal.com's userbase!

great. submit cv's to me @ angeld@girthnotlength.com

Tom can we have a picture of you please?

Don't do pictures, I'm afraid.

liar! i've seen photos of you. if i were less apathetic i'd find one and put it on your profile

I might do one some other time. When I'm less tired of seeing images of myself (I've just been helping to edit a video which I have a 'cameo' (read: crap) performance in).

I thought the vagina was actually pretty elastic so 'one size fits all' until/unless it gets stretched beyond it's point of elasticity (or whatever it's calles - *tries to remember 'O' level physics*)

I think it's like a top that's made from a cotton/lycra mix... if you lend it to a fat friend, it won't stay stretched but it'll never quite be tight enough for its skinnier owner..

and the older it gets, the more the elastic degrades..

unless of course the person in question regularly excercises their pelvic floor muscles to keep themselves nice n snug. (i was going to put in a tumble drier analogy but i think i've taken it too far already)

I haven't heard the tumble dryer one. Do tell.

Trim:hee hee hee good one, I am also curious about how a tumble dryer can fit in here? er...not a good choice of words!

well, the better your pelvic floor muscles are, the tighter you can grip boys willys. so if we continue the cotton/lycra mix top analogy, it'd be like putting said stretched top in the tumble drier so it shrank and was a very snug fit once more.

*blushes* oh.

care to describe the excercises? (only kidding)

the excercises are easy. when you go for a piss just clench so you stop pissing a few times.. do that every time you go to the loo and they'll get stronger. a friend of mine recommended you clench those muscles every time you walk through a doorway. there's also a load of other excercises they give to ladies who've just given birth because once a baby's gone through there the muscles are bound to be fucked.

I think you'll find they were ALREADY fucked. ;0)

Stopping your wee mid-stream is also good exercise for guys.

OK. Thanks. *squeeze*

What does it do for guys then?

strengthen's their pc muscles, means they can uh 'hold off' for longer and do all sorts of incredible penis gymnastics.
all in all, these muscles are good and should be looked after

We allowed to talk about sex here? Does anyone else talk about sex here? (dn't want cal to boot me off) 'coz there's a few more questions I would like to ask Trim.

i'm not about to boot anyone off

ok. why do women take so long and men don't?

So long at what?

you know what i mean...

You shouldnt complain. Some women can't climax at all. Its God's way of punishing them.

i don't take long when i do it myself, but for some reason when i'm with a man i take forever. don't think that's normal...does that happen to any other women?

I'd like to say yes here but I was born without a mimsy.

i think the answer is simply "because all men are shit"

well what about your girlfriends then? anyone ever complain of that?

Its as simple as this: Noone can wank you off quite as well as you can wank you off.

Exactly. And when you use your left hand, it's the best of both worlds.

(unless you are left-handed)

(then you use your right hand)

cal:do you mean because they aren't really bothered with waiting for the woman and/or finding out what makes her tick?
sul:oh. so maybe it is normal. i guess maybe when you been with someone long enough...
do you guys love your girlfriends enough to try and do all this or do you just try and get away with not...shit..this is so hard to explain

*sigh*...it's so hard to express what i mean without sounding like i'm judging you fellas. i'm not...i just wanna know and there isn't anyone i can ask.

Ask Jeeves :o)

that's not very nice

i'm being honest here...not the time to be sarcastic

Well there's really only one option then, tell him to go 'route B' that should sort you right out, and as an added bonus, No babys!

vic, there's no need to be a pig

Read and Learn

well, now i know why you been on this site so long and still haven't been brave enough to put up your real pic. oink

Um... he has a couple of times, me dear.

Well, thats the last time i try to broaden your horizons.

that's not what you were doing, you were being a pig and you know that...but nevermind...obviously one can't have a serious, honest discussion with you because you're not capable

anyway...it's getting late...i better go.
see you soon
bye

Oy Vey.......... calm down! Have a sense of humour :)

vic you pig/big bully

LOL yay vic !

This is not always true. Men can take too damn long sometimes, in fact so long that they end up not coming at all. (I can say the 'C' word, see?). But experienced guys (e.g. 'older' ;0) ) sometimes take more care to please their partner before themselves. Young guys and foreplay are often strangers, which is a shame because it's like a good starter before a main course (don't ask about the sweet/pudding.)

Actually, I think it's all natures cruel trick on us.

Also, there is sometimes a compatability thing, if what gets inside your head (presses the right mental as well as physical butttons), is the same as what gets inside their head, the chances of coincidental 'arriving' can increase. I reckon it's always best to bring them off a few times first, then they don't give you so much crap when you want to go to sleep afterwards.

But the biggest factor is why they are 'doing it' in the first place. Whether it's to give pleasure to someone, or to get their rocks off. If it's 'a' then finding out what makes them tick is both the whole point, and the fun part...

My goodness, this topic suddenly got a bit graphic!

What day is it again?

Sunday. The day that those 'with' choose to stay in bed all day humping. And those that are alone, go to the pub and dream of the days that they were 'with' and stayed in bed all day etc. etc.

Anyway, what's wrong with graphic? Are you trying to deny the real world, hence all detailed information is not welcome? If it works, btw, then tell me so I can try it...

I think you must have a very different perception of Sundays to me. Sunday to me means toast, marmalade, coffee, and working.

Or just going on the internet without very much purpose.

Toast - yes. Marmalade and coffe - no. Pointless internet wandering - doesn't require a Sunday.

Hi Warhead; Brock; Sul and Cal : Thanks for responding informatively as apposed to some of the sarky responses.
-----------------------------------------------------
I don't think this is really my sort of place, but it's been fun. If anyone would like to correspond with me privately my email address is on the profile. (Liandle30@hotmail.com)

Thanks Cal, for a fun website...thanks for making me feel welcome.

Cheers everyone
Luv
Lianne

one of my best lesbian friends and i had a long girly chat about this on a terrace in ibiza...
i hate the v word but i'm aiming for the clinical vibe rather than a Razzle one, so here goes...

there are 2 types of vaginas. type A is best described as generous. fleshy and packed with nerve endings. type B is best described as stingy. its kind of lean.

type A are infinitely easier to orgasm. type B more difficult.

it also helps significantly if the girl is not too shy to masturbate during intercourse

*dr pam is away this week

of course i dont recommend it as a 1st date question. i'm afraid you just have to audition!

/fights urge to ask obvious question

Don't worry Brock, i'll ask it for you.

Where has Dr Pam gone?

erm... I didn't mean that one. Must be more of a perv than you... A or B?

you're asking vic if he's A or B? you filthy perve

Well i'm flattered Brock, you're a good looking fella and all that but i don't do that 'Blue on Blue' type thing.

Why don't you ask sul instead?

But wouldn't that mean I was saying that he was a cu...oh...I get it now... ;)

i dont.

And you're looking a lot better in your profile pic, by the way Vic.

I'd have to say I was an A type gurl. A reet slutty kebab and no mistake.

At least all this confusion should stop ad from kicking the crap out of me for asking very personal questions, anyway. Phew...

And anyway, when you say "best lesbian friend" do you mean "best lesbian", or "best friend that is lesbian". I have images of a score sheet with categories such as 'tongue action', 'ability to hold breath/breathe through ears', and maybe such negative categories such as 'presence of skinhead haircut', and 'looks more like a bloke than a bloke' etc., etc.

well it would have, had you not just brought it up again.

i hear sul is a big ole slut, it's written in the loos at waterloo, along with his telephone number..

It's true. I put it there.

I thought it was your handwriting.

Probably would have been cleverer to put it in the ladies toilet though, doofus.

it is in the ladies, he's a big fleshy vagina'd slut, he cannot pee standing up.

Oh. I thought he meant he was a big fleshy vagina.

I'll be whatever you want me to be, honey.

You smooth talking bastard. Such charm I have never seen in one so young. Bet you pull all the time!

that's exactly what it said!

And yes, there is 2 ways of taking the last sentence...

is there?

'having a pull' is a euphamism for masturbating. ;)

oh i seeeee. sorry, boy slang often leaves me baffled.

if i knew how to set up a poll about this i would if i could be arsed

Unless it was a "what have you got, and/or what do you prefer" poll, it could be a bit too one-sided.

Are there any 'types' of todger that spring (wahey!) to mind?

yes. nice ones and not nice ones

there's the obvious rollneck or sans rollneck option. me, i like a nice jewish boy :)

Ha-ha!

Highly descriptive! Top marks.

i'm with you trim. cannot stand excessive foreskin.
or pubes.
in fact i cant stand pubes at all

way too scary to put anything sharp near my old chap! It makes me shudder just to think how many times I have cut my face shaving to even consider it...

Is shaving common, or do you insist on it for every new bloke when you've checked. (No implication on numbers, by the way)

brock, they don't make you do it yourself.. so i wouldn't worry.. although i would worry if you were my surgeon.

ooops. sorry that sounded a bit chavvy.
of course, i meant to say 'foliage'

who said anything about blades? waxing is the only way to go

oh and there's always imaac (for wimps)

no no, imacs are for geeks..

oh you mean immac.. oops.

Still un-convinced. Waxing legs seems ok in principle, but there is a fair amount of slack skin on a nut sack. You'd have to get such a run-up. how do I know that it won't just come right off when they try and pull the strip off?

My eyes are watering...

unless yr balls are stuck on with velcro, it shouldnt be a problem brock

oops i meant 'veet' trim. they did an awful jif/cif, oil of olay/ulay thing on that product line too

as long as you hold the skin taught when you're sticking and pulling, you'll be fine. i bet it's itchy when it grows back. and those ingrown hairs, nightmare.

so they did! veet, rhymes with feet. immac, rhymes with nutsac. hmm?

its not at all. i can vouch for that.
so much more hygienic too.
my mother makes her boyfriends shave their armpits too but i think thats going a bit too far

maybe it was really designed for hairy feet!
they're pretty rancid too

"but there is a fair amount of slack skin on a nut sack. You'd have to get such a run-up"

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

my eyes are also watering at the thought and who, other than lesbians have their balls stuck on with velcro?

fri i just didnt wanna judge brock. there are all kinds of ppl in this world. i'm sure somewhere a guy has had their balls cut off then changed their mind. it cld have been brock for all i know.

but its still not a sufficient excuse for hairy balls

Oi! My nut sack is firmly attached, thank you! i would just very much prefer it stayed that way, and maybe would also prefer to stay on the cautious side...

Never tried to pull it off (so to speak) so not sure how strong it is!

Never heard this aversion to hairy balls (heard the one about roll necks though). Does anyone else share this aversion?

(to try and get off the subject of my scrotum)

Angeldelight, Although you have a hugely-impressive frontal arrangement, Your pursuit of freshly shorn scrotums means you will just have to admire me from afar, there's no way i'm interfering with my magnificently hirsuite two-wheeled porridge cannon.

brock in the absence of dr pam we can talk about yr scrotum on msn if it makes you more comfortable

LMAO!!!!

"hugely-impressive frontal arrangement"
please interpret - i dont read fhm (i only look at the pictures)

It doesn't make me uncomfortable. The idea of ripping all the hairs out makes me uncomfortable! And I am working, so can't do MSN until I go home. so there.

Didn't want to dominate the thread with my genitals, either.

So to speak.

Well, In the words of Lord John Marbury "Your breasts are Magnificent!"

very decent of you Brock!

for a third girls opinion: smooth is really really nice, but its not such a big deal as to warrant dangerous/painful stunts :)

Why would it hurt the woman?....oh, sorry... mis-read that... ;)

DrPamsDeputy@hotmail.com

clinic open now

snigger free guarantee

:D you're right, Im not waxing there either !

erm thanks vic, but i dont want to domninate the thread with my breastage either

let me break it down to you boys in language you understand.

smooth=more action.

who ever enjoyed pubes stuck in their teeth???

Ive enjoyed pubes stuck in other peoples teeth. Does that count?

I can superglue them all on so they don't come out during that, erm, kind of activity. Will that do? Could be worth testing...?

ad - in relative terms, you would be significantly more able to dominate this thread than me, on that basis.

I'm not convinced, aren't there some women out there who would take one look and say something along the lines of "eeek, a great dangly elbow! I'm not polishing that"?

(poetic license for Mr Menendez)

as it were.

well it depends vic. which end of the market are you shopping at?? fortnum & mason or lidl?

Well, I've never heard of the first two, does that narrow it down?

in that case keep yr mangy pubes, cos the lidl league chicks are likely to be even hairier than you!
hair-free cuts both ways you know ;-p
if i got to endure it so must he

Trimmed is ok. The full 'Bouffant' is a bit hard to cope with. Makes me sneeze halfway through. Bit of a passion killer that...