iamcal.com Since May 2000

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• Hello!

Hi everyone! Gee! Gosh!! This place is cool.

I'm sure that I'm gonna fit in perfectly here. I mean - words! - they're like so deep. Like a System of a down record (I know LOADS of metal bands you know)

So hey, guys, what are we, like, gonna chat about and stuff? I can't wait to y'know say stuff!!

Doc?

Wild stab in the dark, but I'd go with it.

What are you guys on?! It's Avril laveeeeeeen. We may not have another chance like this.

Hey Avril. Your music's kinda shitty and your attitude stinks but I would.

My attitude? well I'm on a , y'know, higher plane or something. I wouldn't expect you to understand really. It's complicated:))

And wow, I'm really like humbled that you know of my art. My music is liked by everyone. It's sorta universal.

But I'm confused. What d'ya mean 'you would'? d'you mean you would be my friend? Well, geez Sul! You can be my friend. It'll only cost you $29.99 at my fan club.

He means he would like to feed you a few inches of prime pork.

You know, bend a soft one into you.

Prime Pork? Dude!! Like a weiner? I just love hot dogs! Especially with condiments. And I like the idea of having a soft one bent into me. Is that like having a wedgie? Wow man! That's totally wild...

I didn't know you had to wear one of 'them' when you eat a hot dog. Can it get you pregnant, then? Or is it an STD risk?

I think we should be told...

A perfectly judged set of e's there Sul, I sense a change of career coming on.

Sul, dude, I hope you don't have e's. Don't do drugs man, stay in school. And the only thing's I like really wear, when eating hot dogs are combats and converse kicks. And they can't get you pregnant. Are you an idiot? I learnt right, that only a mans penis can get you pregnant.

Yeah. Nothing to do with the "Tadpoles of Luuurve" then.

*sigh*

(I'm not even going to start with the apostrophe nightmare in that post)

Nonsense, I remember something about pushing your belly button.

Or something.

But that was ok if you held your breath, wasn't it?

And was that pushing done from the inside, or the outside? I can never remember. When I was at school, I was always distracted by the pictures.

:(

doc is a genius. at least, with the cultural references, i assume it's doc.

or avril :/

My god. I wish that was me.

I don't even need to create false identities around here any more, I just get the blame/credit accordingly.

Guys, C'mon. Why d'you have to go and make things so complicated? It really is me!! When I'm not composing songs on my geetar or watching MTV, I just y'know, like, love the iamcal website.

It really is me. Avril Laveeeeen. So hey, tell me what you guys, like dig? D'you like to skate or hang?

im really a figroll too. a lovely soft biscuit with delicious figginess in the middle.

We like to take the piss out of each other, actually, Avril. BTW, can I ask what shampoo you use? Because your hair is always so smooth and silky.

Oh, and do you wear a training bra? If so, what are you training you tits to actually do?

No, I confess, it is really me.

L'oreal is quite nice.

Fuck off - I was talking to the Canadian Tart and you're cramping me styleeee. Er, you ARE a Canuck, ain't you chuck?

"Oh, and do you wear a training bra? If so, what are you training you tits to actually do?"

Hahahaha!

To avoid dirty old men, I imagine. Pointing away from them to freedom like a fleshy, bumpy divining rod arrangement.

Or something.

Ooookay, I could only read like read like, ya know, half of this before my ya know head like started to like hurt like

Doc?

Fucking Hell!

Deja vue...

Hey! Are you guys having fun with me? Like, kinda messin' with me? Wow! That is so cool. It's like, I'm being accepted as one of you. Shampoo? I use Essence of star fruit and fairy dust. It's very expensive - but I'm still keeping it real. I have top be honest though, I'm like, kinda, pretty nervous about you guys talking about my breasts. That's not cool. This word Tart? Is that like sweetie pie? Angel cake?

Fucking Hell!

Deja vu...

At least i can spell french words properly.

"I'm like, kinda, pretty nervous about you guys talking about my breasts"

Shut up, bitch, you fucking love it, and you know it.

figroll: That was part of the gag. Cos I spelt it wrong last time I posted it.

Ah well. Too deep.

(and anyway, we were picking you up on your use of English, so that doesn't count)

That's the way Brock, sock it too her.

She has lovely teeth, don't you think?

Clutching my handbag again!!!

*shrugs*

You don't scare me. You're just a biscuit. I could dunk yo' ass.

Is that a sexual practice I just haven't heard of yet?

Ah, Brock you have eventually screwed up. What is this word yo'??? Half a yo-yo or something?

Thought my spelling was bad.

My teeth are sooooo great. I brush them with my Wylie Coyote electric toothbrush 11 times a day. Dental hygiene kicks ass. Mr Brock, I am sorta proud of my breasts *g*, but can't we talk about something serious? Like my song writing process...

Totally wild!!!!

I've had like, this real existential kinda lyric in my pretty little head. It's sorta inspired by this topic, but I can't seem to finish it:

I found this groovy message board
whilst out on my new pink skateboard
I met nice people like Mr Brock
I'd really love to lick his ?????????

I'd appreciate some y'know, help or something.

smock

pvc frock

Geez You guys are smart! I was gonna say 'cock', but now decided on '(pink?) stick of rock'

I've been dancing around my beach house singing the new song. It rules man. Rules!!

Do you ever, you know, use the Wylee Coyote to 'relieve stress'? ;0)

in what, her ear?

Do you relieve stress by doing that, babee?

I am right now...grrr babeeeeee. sorry, the buzzing makes everything fuzzy

*g* I think I know what you mean Warhead!!

I use it to buff up my shiny fingernails.

but how do you get your hair so shiny? I'm really interested.

I kinda explained this before. I use essence of star fruit and fairy dust. It's kinda special. My hair is soooo lovely. I love to, y'know, run my hands through it. And I like to chew it.

Yeah, but HOW do you use it? You haven't been drinking it, have you?

*g* I sometimes wear, like, yellow marigolds? and erm, I er, take my time to rub it in. I start off sorta slow and then really rub it in. It's soooo great. It makes me go all kinda tingly.

cal ıf you there read your maıl or my message on your phone
and contact me pls

yellow marigolds, huh? okay then.

I'm off now, to y'know, like, kinda sleep. After a quick buzz with the Wylie Coyote... and a few bars of sk8er boy.

This is an image that will stay for me for about 5 minutes and 2 Kleenex.

Hahahaha! I am amused, yet strangely appalled at that comment, Warhead.

figroll: yo' - note the apostrophe. Denoting an abbreviation, ie of 'your'. Also pay attention to the parody of the American expression that I was using in that post. Wake up, boy. Better people than you (ie Abe, Alfie and Sul) get up much earlier to kick my arse on pathetically pedantic points such as that...

love and kisses and all that.

erm, i hate to break it to you all - it's *not* doc :/

Good, fine, spelndid, whatever. It won't spoil my fun.

Brock: Are you appalled because I don't seem to be using enough Kleenex?

Hey! what's goin' on guys? Isn't it just a, like, wicked cool day? Birds, sun and stuff.
Been watching vampire the buffet slayer dvd's this morning. Do you know that in real life she doesn't like, slay buffets?

She doesn't wear a training bra either.

Fuck you buddy! I don't wear a training bra either. Just so you know - I have an ample bosom.

prove it! Get some pics!! :o)

Pics? Why? So you guys can, like, perv over me? That's sooo grosse.

"ample bosom" eh?

I always thought Avril had a chest like two aspirins on an ironing board :/

AP: bee stings mate.

Pics? Why? What a fuckin stupid question! So we can look at your breasts! Obvious!

fuckin idiots everywhere

Are your pics really that grosse? In that case keep them private. Wouldn,t mind a flash of your gash though. Please

Why would you wanna see my breasts if they are so insignificant? Oh whats that? Cause you're a bunch of Looserz. Yeah that's right. LOOO-ZERS

'flash of gash'!!!

Come on, thats gross!

*snigger*

that's minging
:D

Flash of gash? I don't understand what you're saying, you know what I'm sayin'

Avril, are you a Yank?

She can't be a Yank. She knows how to use the correct version of "you're" for a start.

I'm a Canadian. Calling me a Yank is really offensive. How would you like it if I like, called you a Northerner or something

*snigger*

You call me a Northener if you like ma'dear.

Ok, I realise what a slap in the ass that must be calling you a Yank, I am sorry.

Foggie is as Northern as you can get without engaging in a polar expedition.

Everyone knows Avril Laveeeeeen is Canadian. Don't you guy's, y'know, like, watch MTV cribs?

Who fuckin cares about Avril? eh?

Anyone here like Avril Levine??

I can't believe you are being soooo mean. I thought you'd be friendly to me. It seems you're only interested in my breasts *sigh*

Are you the reeeaal Avril laveeeeeeen in a similar vein (oh another word with an e before the i) to the Reeeeal Rod Hull from TV's Fist of Fun? (He liked jelly)

Fisting fun? The UK's a weird place man...

You have a one track mind young lady!

Hey! I know loads of stuff. I know about keychains, tagging, hanging, punk rock...

Stop it, stop it now.

What age are you, whatever your name is?

Je ne comprends pas. Je suis Avril Laveeeeeen. J'aime chanter des chansons.

Vos chansons sont merde. (I think)

Vous pouvez parler le français. Vous êtes malin

Pourquoi est-ce que je suis malin?

Parce vous pouvez parler le Francais!!

Est comment ma ponctuation française Anvil?

"Corro desnudo después de asnos"

Shit that was spanish.(silly me)

Yes, I can...not very well, but enough.

Vous avez la ponctuation fantastique. Première classe!

Je ne parle pas Espagnol...

Ou Anglais, je pense.

My English is pretty, like, y'know, good. My vocabulary is wide and kinda varied

I am bored..cant be arsed working anymore.

Working? What's that?

Something that helps to pay the bills..Ask your parents.

If orange is orange, why isn't yellow banana?

OH-, der Doktor Lucid ist, eine grosse alte geschwollene Phrase zu prägen, gut zusammenhängend, wenn es die Sprache von Deutschland spricht. Junge, ist es nichts kurz von einem fließenden Fluß von fremdem spricht das Fließen aus meiner Öffnung heraus in einen liberalen Strom und das Stürzen gegen die zusammenstoßenden Felsen Ihres Sandpapiers wie Gesichter. Sobald wir diese Hecke sahen in Beschlag zu nehmen und sie hatte wirklich lange rückseitige Beine aber normale vordere Beine. Junge war daß das arme Tier, das in einer Komödie Weise verformt wurde.

Er... Huh? Is this like Scottish or something?

"it's all greek to me"

OH, the doctor Lucid is speak about speaks to stamp a large old swelled phrase, well relatedly, if it that Germany. Young, is speaks it nothing shortly about a fluent river of strange the flowing out of my opening into a liberal current and the falling against the zusammenstoßenden rocks of your sandpaper as well as faces. As soon as we this hedge saw to take in fitting and it had really long rückseitige legs legs however normal front. Boy was that the poor animal that became shapes in a comedy manner

I must have words with my translater Uncle Moc

Double Huh? Is what they call speaking 'Geordie' or 'Scouse'?

No. That's "Car Thieves".

Dogshit munching, syphillis riddled, French drinkers of manjuice by the gallon, ********.

See, I reckon Doc's post made more sense when it was in German. He's one craaaaazzzzy fruitloop.

I think you are all, you know, like some sorta crazy cats. I'm going away on tour (Bulgaria). Chances are you may never hear from me again. Or then again maybe you will. Or maybe I'll show you all my breasts *g*.

Till whenever Amigoes...

bye Anvil Latrine

Show us ALL your breasts, Avril!!?? How many do you have?

"Bovril Latrine", surely?