Hang on, someone just sent me a worse one:
Patient says, "Doc, you must check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me £10! I'm desperate! I need £10!"
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I really need £5! Just £5! Please! I'm desperate!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was truly dumbfounded.
"Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need £20! Please lend me £20, please! I am really desperate!"
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in any of my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"However... I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle
lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the
Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make
me pee tequila." The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in
it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila.
Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a sip and it
is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of
the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.
Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get
two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The
result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the
couple drinks until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the
Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela grab one glass from the
cupboard and we will drink Tequila."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass and when he fills it, his wife asks
him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight, mi amor, you drink from
the bottle!!"
Arriba !!!
Posted by
Grim..., 15:09, 18th May 2004:
Crap joke: There was once an old, retired couple who, in the autumn of their
years enjoyed a simple life. Mr and Mrs Green were very happy in
their country cottage, George's passion was his vegetable patch while
Martha's was to cook what her beloved husband grew. A perfect
situation.
Now George was especially proud of his cauliflowers. For many years
he had cultivated and perfected a secret mulch which, when spread
around his carefully tilled cauliflower patch, produced the largest,
firmest and most tasty cauliflowers in the region. They always had
the tightest, crisp, white florets and the greenest leaves.
George's usual plan was to take his cauliflowers to the regional show
where they won every cauliflower prize. Then he would bring them home
and Martha would cook them. Unsurprisingly, Martha had perfected her
cauliflower cheese to match her husbands gardening expertise. She
used the freshest ingredients and cheese which she made herself to a
recipe that was *her* little secret. Together, they made an
immaculate dish, each component perfectly complementing the others,
truly it was food fit for the gods. Indeed, their neighbours would
never refuse a dinner invitation if George had recently been to a
show.
One year in particular, though George didn't know why, his
cauliflowers were growing to a stupendous size. Usually they were
large, but this year they were huge! George and Martha looked eagerly
forward to the day when they would be eaten. Surely they would be the
best tasting cauliflowers ever, and their size would keep them in
cauliflower cheese for a long, long time.
When they finally ripened to perfection, George picked the massive
vegetables and as usual he took them to the show. The judges were
amazed! Never had they seen cauliflowers so large and yet so firm and
appetising! George won every prize there was! Beaming with pride he
returned home to the bosom of his loving wife.
As it was quite late Martha decided to put off her culinary efforts
until the next day. She did however, prepare all the other things she
would need, this would be a mammoth task! Martha woke early, such was
her excitement, and began preparing her cauliflower cheese. Boiling
up a small portion of George's vegetable fare until it was just right,
not too crisp, not overcooked, the aroma in her small but tidy
kitchen was wonderful. While the cauliflower cooked Martha prepared
her special sauce.
George had risen by then, and though they were both salivating with
desire, they decided to wait until supper time to sample their joint
creation, reasoning that the wait would make the triumph all the
sweeter. George took himself to the garden, Martha cleaned the
kitchen, all day both could think of nothing else.
When supper-time finally arrived Martha had produced a wonderful
meal. Boiled new potatoes in a light butter sauce, carrots and peas
fresh from the garden, a roast leg of lamb with mint sauce and of
course, the *piece de resistance* the cauliflower cheese. George
opened an old bottle of wine he had been saving, a good vintage year,
Martha lit candles to enhance the mood and they sat down to dine.
With a smile George proffered a forkful of cauliflower cheese to
Martha, she reciprocated with a blush. As they remembered their
honeymoon, they bit down upon each others forks taking in the
wonderful aroma.
DISASTER!!!!
The cauliflower was horrible!!!! Even Martha's expertly prepared
sauce did nothing to disguise the vileness of the vegetable!! It was
so incrediblely revolting that both George and his wife could not
even swallow the one mouthful they had been so tenderly offered.
Using napkins, with as much grace as the situation allowed, they spat
out the disgusting food and rinsed their mouths with wine.
George was devastated, this was supposed to have been so special, and
it was inedible. He was moved to tears. Martha tried to comfort him
but he was inconsolable, sobbing gently he gazed at Martha.
'Look' he said 'not only can we not eat this, it leaves ridiculous
red stains'
Martha looked in the mirror and sure enough, her lips were a deep
scarlet, a lovely colour spoiled only by its source.
'Never mind' Martha said, going to kiss George 'I'm sure we can think
of something'
'I doubt it' George replied 'it even makes your breath smell bad'
George was not usually this tactless, but his grief was such that he
didn't really care. Martha herself had noticed the putrid smell on
the breath of her husband, but had restrained herself from comment.
'What are we going to do?' asked George. 'We have so many
cauliflowers and they're all so large. We can't just throw them away!'
Now, Martha who was the more thoughtful of the pair, had been been
musing and had come up with an idea.
'What about lipstick?'
'What?'
'Well given the nice colour, couldn't we some how make a lipstick and
sell it? Then it wouldn't be such a waste we might even make enough
money to take a little holiday.'
'And it would be a new and environmentally friendly process' she
added, always concerned about these things.
'Perhaps, perhaps...' said George
So they set about their new project, in Martha's typically organised
way. They kitchen became a research laboratory as man and wife
laboured night and day. They tried many ways to reduce the
cauliflower to its staining components, and many oils and waxes in
which to fix it as a base. Many weeks of intensive research and
development followed. Countless failures passed them by until finally
they had produced the basic lipstick component.
'Unfortunately, its a little bit crumbly' said Martha
'Yes, and it still smells a bit' said George 'maybe we ought to put a
warning on the packaging. I'm sure if its used carefully it'll be OK.'
'Good idea' Martha said 'what shall we write?'
George thought for a while, considering all the problems they had
had, all the joy and pain they had gone through to make their new
product.
'I've got it' he said 'we'll write......
(Wait for it!)
(It's crap)
..SUPER-CAULI FRAGILE LIPSTICK, EXPECT HALITOSIS!
sorry
Posted by
WarHead, 22:40, 18th May 2004:
This woman goes to the doctor, complaining that she has a whistling noise coming from her vagina. She demonstrates this to the doc, who is amazed. 'I've never heard anything like it,' he said, and decided to refer her to a specialist.
She sees the specialist, and he's as amazed as the doctor was, and refers her to a really high flying gynaecologist in Harley St. He, too, is amazed and refers her to the most senior gynaecologist in the land, the Queen's Gynaecologist.
As you probably guessed, he doesn't know what to make of it either. But he asks her if he can record it and take it to the National Conference of Gynaecologists which is taking place the following week.
She agrees, so he takes a recording along to the conference and arranges to make his keynote speech on the subjet.
'Ladies and gentlemen,' he says, 'I have something amazing for you that I think is probably unique in the field of gynaecology. Please listen to this and tell me what you think.'
He plays the tape, and a voice from the back of the hall says, 'Huh, just sounds like some cunt whistling to me.'