David Beckham's voice is going to be used to make all stadium announcements at England's Euro 2004 matches.
A spokesman said, "We heard he comes over the PA really well."
THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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Gardening Rule:
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.
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The easiest way to find something lost around the
house is to buy a replacement.
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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.
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Life is sexually transmitted.
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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool. who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.
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The only difference between a rut and a grave
is the depth.
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Always get the last word in: Apologize.
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;
teach that person to use the Internet and they won't
bother you for weeks.
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Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
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Have you noticed since everyone has a Camcorder these
days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
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All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
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In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make
it normal.
~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest
profession. I have come to realize that it bears
a very close resemblance to the first
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
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Posted by
su, 13:39, 11th June 2004:
a duck walks into a bar and says "got any duck food"
the bartender says "no, go away we don't serve ducks here"
the next day the same duck walks into the bar and says "got any duck food"
the bartender says "no, i told you yesterday, now piss off"
the next day the same duck walks into the bar and says "got any duck food"
the bartender is now really angry and shouts "no, now fuck off and if you come back again i'll nail your feet to the floor"
the next day the same duck walks into the bar again says "got any nails"
The bartender says "no"
the duck then says "got any duck food"
Now I challenge you all to come up with a worse joke
Posted by
Sul, 13:45, 11th June 2004:
that joke works so much better with "bread" instead of "duck food" but anyway...
The couple were lying in bed, her head resting on his chest, both spent but in post climactic delight.
"What are you thinking, honey?" he says.
"I was just admiring your cock" she replies.
"Really?" says he with a proud smile quickly spreading across his face.
"Yeah, I still miss mine".
Posted by
friday, 15:14, 11th June 2004:
Brooms
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each
other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a
little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!!!"
Now, how crap is that?
Posted by
Sul, 20:27, 11th June 2004:
Shakespeare walks into a bar. There are whispers amongst the bar staff as he approaches them.
“Watcha, Petal” he says, calling the attention of a petite blonde named Shelly, “can I get a Gin and Tonic please, and make it with the Bombay none of that Gordon’s crap.”
Shelly starts to make the drink as the bard continues his patter.
“That be a nice blouse thou is wearing. It really shows off thy fantastic tits.”
She can smell the stale Sapphire on his breath. It makes her heave. As she places his drink atop the bar she looks into his eyes. For a brief few seconds the world stands still. She can see the pain in his eyes held back only by a thin layer of eyeball membrane. She falls instantly in love with the scruffy man.
“I really like your plays, Bill”, she says, playing with her hair, looking downwards, shyly.
Shakespeare laughs,
“I didn’t write them darling, it was Edward de Vere. I can hardly hold a pen”
They all laugh. The truth finally out.