Posted by
Brock, 23:26, 29th July 2004:
Paddy had been drinking at his Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany. Mick the bartender says,
"You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy," Paddy replies, "Ok Mick,
I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He
falls flat on his face. "shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool
and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on
his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself
that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He
belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head
outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a
step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi!Jesus I'm fockin'
focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to
the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes alook up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroomdoor and says "l can make it to the bed." He takes a
step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fockit" and falls
into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a
cup ot coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night? Paddy says, "I did Jess, I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?
"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."
Posted by
Grim..., 09:02, 30th July 2004:
Er...
1997 on the phone for that one...
Posted by
Sul, 09:52, 30th July 2004:
While we're on the Paddy jokes then.
Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there, I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"
Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that. Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin so we would."
Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay Taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."
Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't."
"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English." So the two visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then Proceeds to do his best>Warren Mitchell impression; "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'."
Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well, then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"
Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be' Jesus. Mary mother of Christ, if that ain't me best English accent ? How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?"
The Owner replies "This is a Dry Cleaners".
Posted by
Brock, 11:28, 30th July 2004:
I liked it too, Vic, that's why I decided to share, in case people had forgotten it in the intervening 7 years.
Oh, and Grim?
Fuck off.
:)
Posted by
su, 11:49, 30th July 2004:
what are the odds of you two making up before Vic and Rosies wedding ?
Posted by
Rosie, 11:56, 30th July 2004:
!
Brock, do you get the feeling that Su doesn't understand our understated British irony?
*cautiously raises one eyebrow*
Posted by
Brock, 12:36, 30th July 2004:
Get that eyebrow down, Lucid! I've warned you about flagrant brow usage.
FUCK can i do understated or what. i've got "understated" coming out my fucking ARSE, i have.
Posted by
Grim..., 13:38, 30th July 2004:
You might want to get that checked at the doctors or something.
Posted by
Kitty, 13:46, 30th July 2004:
LOL @ Sul joke tho I'm sure I shouldn't laugh as I'm Irish!
Posted by
Brock, 18:38, 30th July 2004:
Fine. Up yours then, Kitty. I thought
my joke was funny too, but if you're going to throw it back in my face, then bollocks.
;p
Posted by
WarHead, 00:02, 5th August 2004:
A man goes to the doctor and says, 'Doc, my wife either has AIDS or Alzheimers. What should I do?'
The Doc replies, 'Put her on a bus to the city centre. If she comes back, don't fuck her.'
Posted by
Alfie, 00:21, 5th August 2004:
The first sentence doesn't make any sense which kind of ruins that one
Posted by
WarHead, 10:09, 5th August 2004:
Pardon?
In the real world, the Doctor would diagnose the patient, not the husband. the proper way to tell that (staggeringly old) joke would be:
Dr: I am afraid we have mixed up the results of some tests, your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimers.
Man: Oh no, that's terrible, what should I do?
Dr: Stick her on a bus to the middle of town, If she finds her way home, don't fuck her.
End of lesson, Comedy 101.
Posted by
WarHead, 11:04, 5th August 2004:
But it's a joke, not the real world. If you apply real world rules to jokes,
lots of them are illogical, Captain.
Posted by
chris, 12:23, 5th August 2004:
you all laugh, these things happen here in ireland every night.
So, this Bear walks into a bar.
Yeah, I see your point,WH.
this joke meets the nhs, right?
doctor: i can see you a month tuesday
man: doctor! i think my wife has aids or alzheimers
d: what do you expect me to do about it?
m: you're a doctor
d: yes. so?
m: well, she's sick
d: not until *I* say so, *I'M* the doctor here. you have offended me, i am removing you from my practice's rolls.
m: but.... we need a doctor
d: not my problem. good day!
Posted by
Grim..., 17:31, 5th August 2004:
My mum had me on the NHS - it took nine fucking months!
Stuff that, I'm going private.
=]
nine fucking months?
/takes hat off to grim's dad