Posted by
Brock, 08:44, 17th August 2004:
I'm sure that Vic and Grim will have heard this some time in the early 14th Century, but fuck 'em. A joke doesn't stop being funny if you've heard it, as far as I am concerned.
So a pre-emptive "whatever" to the two of them...
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply?
And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Posted by
plindoe, 09:48, 17th August 2004:
vg
and been distributed!
Posted by
Saltation, 10:29, 17th August 2004:
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
oh is THAT what it is?? evil incarnate? i've been trying all sorts of different deodorants and chat-up lines for ages with no luck whatsoever.
Posted by
WarHead, 16:43, 17th August 2004:
Bloody hell - you moan at me when I post an old joke, but that one is positively Jurrasic. Or even an earlier epoch.
Posted by
Saltation, 16:53, 17th August 2004:
weren't epochs in revenge of the jedi?
Posted by
plindoe, 16:53, 17th August 2004:
Two brothers, John and Richard lived in the same town. John with his 12 year old cat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. John's whole life was his cat. He never went anywhere without her. One day he was faced with a terrible decision. He had to go to England on business for his company and he could not take the cat into England with having to quarantine her for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was faced with either losing his job or leaving his cat.
Finally he decided to trust his brother with the cat for the week he would be gone. He gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure Gracie the cat was ok. 4 days of this went by and John was really getting to be a pain in the neck.
On the fifth day when he called, John asked Richard how Gracie was and Richard told him. "Gracie is dead!" Well as you can imagine, John nearly had a heart attack.
When he recovered he said to Richard, "that was the most cruel thing I ever heard. You know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you have broken it to me gently. You know like when I called said something like, 'well she's OK but she is up on the roof.' And then when I called the next time, tell me 'oh oh, bad news, she fell off the roof and she's at the vets'. And then the next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would have been a little prepared for the bad news."
"Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being so heartless."
John accepted Richard's apology for being so uncaring, and then said, "oh, by the way, how's Mother?"
Richard then said, "well, John, she's OK, but she's on the roof!"
Posted by
Saltation, 17:11, 17th August 2004:
my granny got knocked off the roof by lightning a number of times
kindly deflecting attention away from previous post out of consideration for plindoe's fragile ego
Posted by
WarHead, 23:25, 17th August 2004:
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off! Angrily, the woman tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter.
The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age,the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
Posted by
Foppy, 02:51, 18th August 2004:
That's just stupid. Bugs' cocks are on the inside, everybody knows that.
eh, the ancient first one was funniest, I do believe. Well, to me anyway.
OH, and I bought a copy of the Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. yeah yeah yeah... great book... literary classic...
*cough*you were right*cough*cough*
Posted by
Saltation, 10:01, 18th August 2004:
admitting your mistakes is the first step to manhood, licketysplit.
given that yor a gurl, you wanna be careful you do
Posted by
Brock, 10:24, 18th August 2004:
/bows to lickitysplit.
I commend you on a fine book choice. Most people may not have seen through the torrent of abuse to the recommendation.
Posted by
Saltation, 10:30, 18th August 2004:
oh sorry. i forgot. "fuck off back where you came from you tiny minded tiny penissed girl, you are bald and a mind changing wanker who is old and makes occasional typos and has a life"
sorry. forgot the Revised Ancient Protocols of iamcal
*struggles briefly* iamcal jackson!!!! WOOOOO!!!!!
...sorry again
Posted by
Saltation, 10:38, 18th August 2004:
splicketyclit: if you like HHGttG (actualy if you say that aloud it sounds kinda like the noise someone inadvertantly makes when going fast over bumps on bike) (and my abbreviation thusly saved me precisely NO time)
, strongly suggest you also check out Terry Pratchett's work. spectacularly funny and satirical and inventive and intelligent all at the same time.
Discworld series of books, 4 distinct sub-runs within the saga:
1. the Origin, must read: The Colour of Magic; The Light Fantastic.
2. autobiography: terry appears in his own book: The Sourcerer
3. change of pace: the Witches: 2 (3?) books focussing on little old ladies of the "what!? disgusting! i'm not having it!" variety
4. satire on human society, brilliantly done: all the remainder
no!! God no...Terry Pratchet is as funny as getting kicked in the sack by a big angry skin head!
Posted by
Grim..., 10:50, 18th August 2004:
Fog: That's my opinion on HHGttG! How did you know that?
Just a lucky guess I guess.
Posted by
Brock, 10:53, 18th August 2004:
Hang on. If Grim is getting kicked in the sack by an angry skin head, I'd vote that as being pretty damn funny, personally.
(you do seem to be getting the shit end of the stick today, Grim. Just lucky, I guess!!)
Posted by
Grim..., 10:53, 18th August 2004:
I do, however, like Terry Pratchett a lot.
I especially liked 'Pryamids'.
Posted by
Grim..., 11:01, 18th August 2004:
Today? What do you mean 'today'?
That's what I'm here for all the time, isn't it?
Posted by
Grim..., 11:02, 18th August 2004:
Still, not long until I'm gone =]
Posted by
Brock, 11:03, 18th August 2004:
You been given a week to live or something?
Or are you expecting no internet access at the new job?
Posted by
Grim..., 11:04, 18th August 2004:
Hehe - no 'net access.
I'll be online tomorrow, next Thursday, then the Wednesday, Thursday and Friday in the week after that.
Then that's it!
Posted by
Grim..., 11:05, 18th August 2004:
Until I come back, obv.
But I don't know when that will be.
Posted by
Grim..., 11:07, 18th August 2004:
It might give you a chance to overtake me in the post stats, too.
Posted by
su, 11:32, 18th August 2004:
are you having a going away party Grim?
and if so where's the invite?
Posted by
Grim..., 11:57, 18th August 2004:
Actually, I am.
It'll be in Oceana in Milton Keynes.
I'll let you know the date soon(ish).
Posted by
su, 12:05, 18th August 2004:
the place with the concrete cows?
i'd fly over just to see them
Posted by
Grim..., 12:27, 18th August 2004:
Yes, but I don't know where they are...
Posted by
WarHead, 13:14, 18th August 2004:
Half a dozen concrete cows in a field outside Milton Keynes station is not really what I'd call a tourist atraction. You must be desperately short of interesting stuff to look at, su.
I like what they have done with the horse, it even looks real!
;o)
Posted by
WarHead, 13:38, 18th August 2004:
Here you are Grim, you can go and visit them now.
Posted by
WarHead, 13:50, 18th August 2004:
I prefer my cows to be a bit athletic.
Posted by
Grim..., 13:52, 18th August 2004:
Is that from Black & White 2?
Posted by
WarHead, 13:56, 18th August 2004:
NO, it's from Cow Parade in Manchester. There are about 150 of these things around the city.
Posted by
WarHead, 14:23, 21st August 2004:
OK, this is another ancient one, but it still makes me laugh.
It was the postman's last day, after 38 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, and old age pensioner presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they had finished, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring the coffee, the postman noticed a pound coin in the saucer.
"All of this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the pound for"?
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, 'Screw him. Give him a pound'. But the breakfast was my idea!"
Posted by
Foppy, 00:52, 22nd August 2004:
Ha ha ha!
Posted by
Jason, 06:28, 23rd August 2004:
That steaming coffee hit the spot ;)
Posted by
Brock, 18:29, 23rd August 2004:
I genuinely hadn't heard this one:
Moral of the story...Farmers view
An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw the noise was coming from a group of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. Being a gentleman, he made the women aware of his presence as he approached, and they all went hurriedly to the deep end of the pond.
The women were more than a little perturbed to see the old farmer there, and one of them shouted nervously to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.