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• Hello!

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie

Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how
many
takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of

delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting

through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your

pants] as you read ...



--------------------------------------------------------



This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.



Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella
worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling

shot.



At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.



The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary
Hinge,
and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible

huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters
had
tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let

Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.

Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She

turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with

six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks



The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight
otherwise,


there would be a cucking falamity.



At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when

suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!"
said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so
dropping
her slass glipper.



The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door
and


the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her
leg
and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome

hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the

stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both
the


sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.



Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a

knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge

halls and a hig bard on.



He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking

ferfectly.



Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince

lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a

follen swanny.

I DON'T FINK SO.

Where did you get it from?

?

via email

substantiate your scorn there wh-man, else subside. i cry Fie! fie upon thee!

BAH WAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SNORT! SNORT! HAHAHAHA!

That is bucking frilliant!

I rather think it's for you, Salty, (or the sender) to substantiate the authenticity of this item. It is very good, but I'm sure it's not the work of Mr. Barker.

Ronnie Barker wouldn't have been so crass as to broadcast a Spoonerism sketch that blatantly vulgar. I'm pretty sure I've seen all of them and they never go further than the occasional seaside postcard smuttiness.

Can you supply an original link?

mary hinge

that's all i've got to say to your scorny scorn

mary hinge

That is all you have to say? Then I bite my thumb at you sir, as you seem unable to back up your theory with evidence. Pish and tosh!!!1111

fie

I have to agree with WH.
1. I've read that before without a "Ronnie Barker wrote it" header.
2. The BBC would certainly never air that in a Ronnie Barker timeslot.
3. It's not actually that good.

mary hinge

I have to agree with Sul.

Salty, look into my eyes, not around my eyes, don't look around my eyes, look into my eyes ..... you're under ...

you will stop saying 'fie' and 'mary hinge' repeatedly and will trace the origin of this travesty of a Ronnie Barker Spoonerism skit and thus prove it's a fake ....

..... 3... 2 .... 1 .... you're back in the room.

fff....
oo

PMSL........sorry lads, but trust me it did indeed go to air. I can remember watching it when I was but a wee lad staying with gran for a while. :) And I'm more than certain that it'll come out on a tribute DVD to the late, great Mr. Barker as it was a brilliant moment in British comedy. :) As for a supporting link or year of broadcast, I can’t offer a definitive time line nor BBC website. But as a rough guess I’d have to take a stab at an Australian broadcast date as about 1979 on the ABC.

Cheers all….and god rest ye Norman Stanley Fletcher, you’ll be sadly missed by us “Screws” everywhere. :)

i still don't buy it

But that's 'cause you've got a girlfriend.

Right, I've sent an email to the BBC requesting an answer.

im willing to believe this is based on a real sketch but not with so much swearing.

not willing to accept this:

"Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian"

There's NO WAY they would have aired that. Incidently the BBC wanted Kenny Everett's Cupid Stunt to be called Mary Hinge.

AHA. I am king of Google!

"RINDERCELLA
As told by Archie Campbell

Once upon a time in a corn foundry there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with hermugly other and two sad blisters. Also in this same corn foundry there lived a pransome hince, and this pransome hince was going to have a bancy fall and he'd invited people for riles amound especially the pich reople. Now Rindercella's mugly other and her two sad blisters went to town to buy some dancy fesses for the bancy fall, but Rindercella couldn't go cause all she had to wear were some old ruddy dags. Finally the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella couldn't go so she just crank down and shried. And she was sitting there shrieing when all of the sudden there appeared before her, her gay mudfather and he touched her with his wagic mand and there appeared before her a kig bulch and hix white sorces to take her to the bancy fall, and he said -- "Rindercella, be sure and be home before midnight or I'll purn you into a tumpkin!" When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall the pransome hince met her at the door because he'd been watching behind a wooden hindow. Rindercella and the pransome hince manced all night until midnight and they lell in fove. And finally the mid clock struck night, and Rindercella spaced down the rairs and just as she beached the rottom she slopped her dripper! The next day this pransome hince went all over this corn foundry looking for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. They finally came to Rindercella's house, and he tried it on the mugly other and it fidn't dit. Then he tried lt on the two sisty uglers and it fidn't dit and then he tried it on Rindercella and it fid dit! It was exactly the sight rize! And so they were married and lived heavenly after happily. Now the storal of the mory is: if you go to a bancy fall and you want a pransome hince to lell in fove with you -- don't forget to slop your dripper!"

So not Barker, and not originally that rude.

Sul's internet law #456 =- 99% of emails are utter bollocks.

Granted Sul is correct that isn't to say that Ronnie didn't get hold of it and made a few alterations to bring it more up to date. With what the Monty Python crowd have got away with I quite believe that Barker put it across. Quick fire monologues and tongue twisters of this type are the hallmarks of the complete showman at their very best. Reminiscent of Victor Borge and his 'Inflated language' and 'Vocal Puntuation'. Van Johnson and the quick fire monologe from '76 Trombones - The Music Man'
Danny Kaye 'Tongue Twisters', Rolf Harris "The Ladies of the Court of King Caractacus.' Phil Harris of the USA and Stanley Holloway's monologues, every one of the above are well worth listening to.All masters of manipulation of the English language - perfect audio entertainment that ought never to die. Thank you !

Ronnie Barker wouldn't go out of his way to:
A, borrow a not very funny sketch from another comedian and then change it, when he was more than capable of writing his own.
B, change it to make it cruder (not his style at all).
C, change it to make it less funny that the original one.
D, even if it would be acceptable for TV nowadays, which it isn't, it certainly wasn't fit for TV then.

you're very welcome! that's poo tea you owe us.

"I quite believe that Barker put it across"

Well you can believe it, but you are grossly misinformed.

and if by "made a few alterations to bring it more up to date"
you mean "add massive amounts of swearing cos everyone knows that modern audiences need vast quantities of swearing in order to find things funny" then there is little hope for us all.

Not to mention that (until a few recent appearences) Ronnie Barker stopped working on TV nearly 2 decades ago, so "up to date" in this case would mean mid 80s at the latest.

ilfie as ald ond wells of smee

"Ronnie Barker wouldn't go out of his way to"

OMG! Haven't you heard? He's a past tense person now.

way past tense. unbelievably relaxed, in fact. not a tense bone in his muscles.

Hey....! Who fust Jarted? Betty Swollacks wasn't it?

Well nearly all of the answers have some merit.
Yes the main one was by Ronnie Barker however it has been heavily doctored (bits added and removed). There was no reference to Betty Swollocks or Mary Hinge, right bugly astards, or most of the spoonerised swearing. I have the DVD of the late Ronnie Barker reading the story of Rindercella. If I get time I will write it out for you all to see.

Whether he did originally write it or not i dont know, but it was on the BBC in 1972. He said the whole thing without making a single face or laughing or anything. Not only that, absolutely no-one phoned up to make a complaint about it !!

muh i like it. less politic. less historic, please

DemonG8, no he didn't.

Remember when Tony Hart was going senile and he made that pretend papier-mache heart and attached it to his chest with little bits of red paint intermittently spurting from the papier-mache severed arteries, and at the appropriate moment on Hart Beat, unbuttoned his shirt to reveal the heart?

That was cool.

too cool

You wouldn't leave him alone with any kids though, eh?

nonsense

tommo951, I SERIOUSLY NEED TO SEE THAT SKETCH. what is the name of that dvd and where did you get it? PLEASE REPLY SOON!!!

fudding thud

Oh for God's sake Gavin. The DVD is called "Elbow Grease", after the cleaning product of the same name and you can find it in the same place as the Long Wait.

So first you need a big load of papier mache and some gore

no way pickle onion head

wibbly moot has

I'm with Warhead coz Ronnie Barker would have never have got away with that on the BBC in the 70s.

Wow I'm way behind on posting.

so's ronnie barker

and Bonnie Rarker