Discussion » Being Foreign Can Be Annoying

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Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around October 2005:
 
I like to think that I'm fairly good at English. I can speak it quite well (but I write it better, probably because I have to go slower), but sometimes not knowing how to say something can be super annoying.
Take Saturday night, in the pub. There's a guy who tells his friends at the bar over and over again that 50% of people in England are below average intelligence. The conversation then goes as nearly every one of my conversations with strangers goes in the UK:

ME: Excuse me, but I think you're wrong about that.
HIM: Eh? Where are you from?
ME: Finchley. (That's what I always say)
HIM: No, where are you really from?
ME: Finchley.
HIM: No, where were you born?
ME: Glasgow.
HIM: What? You don't sound Scottish.
ME: No, I sound French. I grew up in France.

Then he launches into the hugely amusing English custom of telling me his name and where he lives in French. Joy.
Some advanced people order some food in French. A-hahahahaha.

I swear, everyone does it!

Why? WHY?
Posted by Sul_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
*resists*
Posted by Brock, around 22nd October 2005:
 
And, for reference, 50% of the population ARE at or below average intelligence. The other 50% are at or above average intelligence.

That's what makes it an average. So he's right, pretty much.
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Of course Brock, I'm so stupid - thank's for putting me straight on that.
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Let's imagine though, for a second, that intelligence was measured on a scale of one to ten, and there were only four people in the country.
Three of them have an intelligence score of 2, and one has an intelligence score of 10.

Mean, median or modal mate, pick your average and work it out.

That's basically what I couldn't explain to the bloke on Saturday.

Holy Shit! Was it you?
Posted by Brock, around 22nd October 2005:
 
That doesn't prove him wrong, does it? And statistical analysis of 58 million people would probably give a much closer, linear spread. The larger a sample quantity, the greater the chance of the spread being even in this case.

Teh most you could have said to him was "That isn't necessarily so, what is your source?". But I bet he is right.
Posted by WarHead, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Then he launches into the hugely amusing English custom of telling me his name and where he lives in French. Joy.
Some advanced people order some food in French. A-hahahahaha.


Pffft, I don't do that, I just TALK VERY LOUDLY AND SLOWLY because all of us Ingleeeesh know that's all you have to do to get Johnny Foreigner to understand you.

What I don't understand is why an English bloke would try to order food in French in an English pub .... unless he's pissed out of his mind of course.

Avez vous les sarnies de pommes-frittes, mon petite choux?
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
The chances of it being exactly 50% would be absurd.
He thought that because he was talking about half the people then half of them would be less than average intelligence, because (exactly like you, Brock) he didn't think about what an average was.

Bring on the 58 million people, there is no way half of them are below average intelligence.

As the other half know instinctively (:
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Pffft, I don't do that, I just TALK VERY LOUDLY AND SLOWLY because all of us Ingleeeesh know that's all you have to do to get Johnny Foreigner to understand you.
Actually, it really helps when English people do that, because they split the words up with their spaces.

So keep it up (:
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Surely those with exceptionally high IQ's (like me) and those with exceptionally low IQ's (like you lot) would skew the results a bit, I mean there are loads more thicko's than brilliant people, so I would say that the average IQ is not a true reflection : I would say more people than 50% are "above average" intelligence, because the hordes and hordes of thickoes make the average lower than it actually is?
Posted by WarHead, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Ahh, we Ingleessh are so cleverrrr, and we make ze Kraft cheese slices square to fit zee bread, non? (Not French bread, of course.)
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
What I want to know is that because he's in a situation where he was completely, utterly wrong, is Brock going to admit it?
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
NEVER!
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Hell will freeze over first!
Posted by WarHead, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Shirley mean, median or modal are not average, they are mean, median and modal.
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Ingleessh

That's more Italian or Spanish.
The French sounds more like "Inglash".

Or, of course, "Rost Biff" (:
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
GGGGGGRrrrrrrrost Bief!
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Speaking of accents, someone told me the South African accent is the worst accent in the whole world. Do you agree?
Posted by WarHead, around 22nd October 2005:
 
A close second behind Birmingham, I think.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Buuuuurminghum.
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Shirley mean, median or modal are not average, they are mean, median and modal.

Er... What do you think an average is?
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Although we have lots of different accents here, like you do.
Posted by WarHead, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Er... What do you think an average is?

I'm not saying and you can't make me.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
I absolutely LOVE the way the people in the North of England speak. I have a friend from Yorkshire, who now lives in OZ, we are still in touch after 20 odd years and her accent has hardly changed. We had so many laughs over that accent! "I'm go'n t' shop. Would yer llllliiike anyfink?"
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Ah looov eh!
Posted by WarHead, around 22nd October 2005:
 
I think there's an almost silent 't' missing, i.e. "I'm go'n t't shop."

Thanks to Coronation Street, Mancunian is understood the world over.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 22nd October 2005:
 
Is Grainger a common name in Northern England esp. Yorkshire?
Posted by Brock, around 22nd October 2005:
 
You can, from the way you have presented your argument so far, only claim to be of a different opinion to the bloke in the pub, SFG. Your argument is based on precision that he didn't really state:

"exactly 50% is absurd".

If fairness to the bloke in question, he didn't say that only and exactly 50% of the population are below average intelligence, he said that 50% were. If the number turned out to be 51, 54 or even 60% of the population, his statement is still right.

Personally, I imagine that it is higher than 50%, but in sensible terms, I would guess that it will be that approximately 50% of the population are below average intelligence. He was making an approximate statement, so it can only be argued effectively against as such, or "You say 50%, I say 50.000000000001% therefore you are wrong" gets a bit daft, doesn't it?

And I do admit when I am wrong, SFG. But you want me to say I'm wrong because you don't agree with a random bloke in a pub?

Nah. Need more than that, son.
Posted by WarHead, around 22nd October 2005:
 
What measure of intelligence was being used?


And Grainger is pretty common name anywhere in England, I should think, but I don't have any statistical proof of that.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Do you ever watch Footballers Wives? There's the one, wife of Harley, Shannon I think her name is : what accent is that? It's very broad, I can hardly hear what she's saying. But it's cute! English humour is always a treat for us because we larf at the jokes and the accents make it doubly funny!
Posted by WarHead, around 23rd October 2005:
 
I watched the very first episode of FW and couldn't bring myself to watch it ever again, so I can't help you with that accent.
Posted by Brock, around 23rd October 2005:
 
It is the worst bit of televisual tripe I have ever tried to watch. Even despite the eye candy attraction, I just couldn't sit through it.

And that is saying something.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
I know, it's a load of trash innit? Brock, you never said you were wrong to me when we had that discussion about time. I may have gone mad in the interim, but I didn't forget.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
(I have to count every small victory against the towering Brock)
Posted by Brock, around 23rd October 2005:
 
/me is now torn between needing to ask what that was (as I don't remember) and not wanting to bring it up in case you were right...
Posted by WarHead, around 23rd October 2005:
 
"Born and bred in Liverpool, Shannon left school with GCSE’s in art and woodwork. Before joining Harley in London, she was studying for a HND in Hair and Beauty and working part-time in her mum’s salon."

I'd guess she has a scouse (Liverpudlian) accent then, which can be so broad and fast as to be unintelligible.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
You said time exists and I said it doesn't. That was the crux of the matter.
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
If fairness to the bloke in question, he didn't say that only and exactly 50% of the population are below average intelligence, he said that 50% were. If the number turned out to be 51, 54 or even 60% of the population, his statement is still right.
So 60% is the same as 50%?

He was making an approximate statement
No he wasn't, he didn't understand what 'average' meant.

"You say 50%, I say 50.000000000001% therefore you are wrong" gets a bit daft, doesn't it?
No, because he thought it was exactly 50%, because he didn't understand how to work out an average.

Did I say it wrong or something?

And I do admit when I am wrong, SFG.
Go on, then.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
(thanks warhead)
Posted by Saltation_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
interesting that sfg and brock both believe the IQ distribution is asymmetric, and that sfg believes it's positively skewed and brock believes it's negatively skewed.

for what it's worth, i seem to recall the uni psych. dept teaching that the IQ distribution curve is remarkably symmetrical (with the proviso that it's 0-bounded).
so for large samples, mean+mode+median converge to 100.
so sfg is wrong in the first instance.

however, sfg is right in the sense that intelligence is very difficult to measure and almost certainly varies exponentially rather than linearly. a good example is programmers: one first-tier programmer is worth ten second-tier programmers. or a near-infinite number of fourth-tier programmers.
so if we had a GOOD measure of intelligence, sfg's point re the skewed distribution would make him right.

well, probably. i've met a seriously disturbing number of exponentially stupid people.
Posted by WarHead, around 23rd October 2005:
 
*Thud*
Posted by WarHead, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Time is a curve, by the way.
Posted by Saltation_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
("converge to 100" -- "average" intelligence is typically defined as IQ b/w 90 & 110)
Posted by Saltation_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
marilyn monroe had lots of time
Posted by Brock, around 23rd October 2005:
 
No, 60% isn't the same as 50%. Clearly.

But if the ultimately correct number is 60% then it is still correct to say "50% of the population are 'x'". There just happens to be another 10% that are too. That was what I meant. If he had said "Of the entire population, 50% are x" then it all starts to fall apart for him.

You appear to be saying it entirely wrong, for I thought you were saying that the statement that the bloke made, ie “50% of the population are of below average intelligence” was wrong because 50% wasn’t an accurate number. Are you now saying he is wrong because he doesn’t understand the concept of average (despite the fact that you have no evidence to refute his claim?).

I’m a bit confused as to what you’re saying now…
Posted by Doctor Lucid_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Wow. Normally when I hear someone in the pub say something stupid or wrong, I don't really consider it worth my while pointing it out to them.

I find it usually helps to apply a similar approach to this website as well. But then that's probably because I haven't realised quite how fun it is to quibble over the intricacies of punctuation, spelling, and petty statistics.

It's only a matter of time, I guess.

Oh, and those Americans don't speak proper. Bastards, trying to force their regional dialect variations on us Queens-English-Wielders.
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Salt: sfg believes it's positively skewed and brock believes it's negatively skewed.
I do?

Brock: You appear to be saying it entirely wrong
Yup, that was my problem that night, too.

Brock: “50% of the population are of below average intelligence” was wrong because 50% wasn’t an accurate number. Are you now saying he is wrong because he doesn’t understand the concept of average
Both reasons, actually.

Doc: But then that's probably because I haven't realised quite how fun it is to quibble over the intricacies of punctuation, spelling, and petty statistics.
Can I point out the missing 'o' and the incorrect punctuation of Brock's last point, then?

Nah, that's no fun at all ):

(Does 'quibble' mean 'fight'?)
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Doc did you see you alsmost got the blame for hijacking "Brock" the other day?
Posted by WarHead, around 23rd October 2005:
 
50% to man in conversation in a pub = anything between about 25% and 75% depending on how pissed he is.

And he probably won't remember the conversation the following day anyway, so WGASA?
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Salty what do you mean MM had lots of time?
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Okay, I'll bite:
WGASA?
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Yay! I knew that one! Who Gives A Shit Anyway!
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Oh.

Well, Brock, for starters. And me.
And Saltation, I think.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Well for what it's worth SuperFunGordon, I think your English is excellent. :)
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Thanks - you should hear my German, no accent or anything (:

I learnt to speak English in Germany, so when I'm talking English, I form the phrase in French, translate it to German, then to English.

Sometimes that can make me very, very wrong.
Posted by Brock, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Anything that goes past the Germans and the French before it gets to us is usually wrong...

;)
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
hahahahahaha!
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Heehee yah (:
One thing that confuses me about languages is the need to change City names. Why the hell do we call London Londres? I can't see the point at all ):
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Sheeesh, what is it about Men's Loos? I can smell it from here! How come Men's Loos always PONG?
Posted by Saltation_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Salt: sfg believes it's positively skewed and brock believes it's negatively skewed.

sfg: I do?


your approach relies completely on that assumption. note your example, for example.
Posted by Saltation_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
And Saltation, I think.


more just amusing myself.

but in general, if people are going to argue, they should argue about the things that drive the differences, not miscellaneous extrapolations.
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Salt: No, that was 'an example' of how he could be wrong.
I thought that would be obvious, what with there being a few more than four people for the UK.
Posted by Saltation_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
hmm. your other statements all lean toward the assumption of outliers on the High side. and yes, i was just about able to cope with the concept of a theoretical pathological example used for illustrative purposes.

but regardless, the key point is that the pub-lad's quote is correct for a symmetrical distribution and a non-trivial sample size. e.g., the example offered by him, of ~50 million people.
Posted by WarHead, around 23rd October 2005:
 
Sheeesh, what is it about Men's Loos? I can smell it from here! How come Men's Loos always PONG?


Maybe it'd be better if you didn't spend time hanging around near them then.
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 23rd October 2005:
 
I would prefer 'close', rather than 'correct'.

If I appear to have made assumptions in my earlier posts, then they are not deliberate.
Can you tell me where they are?

theoretical pathological example used for illustrative purposes
Does that mean anything more than 'example'?
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
"Maybe it'd be better if you didn't spend time hanging around near them then." Are you saying I am the one who smells? ;) Seriously, I'm not hanging about near them, I'm sitting at my desk and I can smell the men's loo and it stinks!
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
Sure it's not your desk?
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
No, it smells of pee. Tomorrow I am sending a bunch of them in there to clean that loo. I'm putting my foot down. Stomp. (I know it's emanating from there because when you walk past to go to the ladies you get a noseful so bad you can pass out!)
Posted by WarHead, around 24th October 2005:
 
Don't you have cleaners to do that sort of thing?
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
We have only one cleaner (small company) and she's female. Sorry, it's off the topic and I apologise if I offended you. :)
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
Who cares if she's female? Get her in there cleaning!
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
She won't go into the men's?!
Posted by Brock, around 24th October 2005:
 
How do you think everyone else does it? Put a "Closed" sign on the door, and clean it!

Do you think that all other people have one cleaner of each sex?
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
I don't think there are many male cleaners to start with. Good idea, I'll do that, thanks. Warhead, what's happened to your blog? I get an error when I go there....
Posted by Brock, around 24th October 2005:
 
He's run out of talent...
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
War? Ooops. I think he may be mad at me. :(

maybe he's just working
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
/walking through the forest, calling w a aa r h eee aa d?
Posted by Brock, around 24th October 2005:
 
You could at least trim it, woman.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
BROCK!!!!!! FOR HEAVENS SAKE DON'T BE SO CRUDE!










giggle
Posted by Doctor Lucid_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
We have loads of male cleaners.

On a separate note, and related to the original post, this is a dialogue that took place between me and Strongbow man in the pub I used to work in:

Strongbow Man: You'd better make her pay for that ice.
Doc: Hey, you! Come back and pay for that ice!
Strongy: She's not coming back. That's going to come out of your wages, you know.
Doc: Deary me, and ice doesn't come cheap, you know.
Strongy: You bet your life it doesn't.
Doc: What with them having to fly up to the North Pole to collect it.
Landlady: What are you talking about?
Doc: You know, the ice. They have to get it from a polar ice cap.
LL: What are you talking about! There's a machine out the back that makes it.
Doc: Oh, I see. Silly me.
Strongy: Where are you from?
Doc: St. Albans.
Strongy: No, I mean, where were you born?
Doc: Here. I mean, St. Albans. St. Albans City Hospital.
Strongy: Where were your parents from, then?
Doc: Um, St. Albans.
Strongy: ... (looks puzzled)
Doc: Um.
Strongy: What the hell are you doing here, then?
Doc: Good question, Strongbow Man.

I think it went like that anyway.

Syl; Yes, that did confuse me briefly. Well done for guessing Brock's password however. What was it?
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
I am too scared of Brock to tell anyone. Even though I'm 3000 miles away (or so)
Posted by Sally, around 24th October 2005:
 
Cal said he was going to bring a pet, but he didn't say what. I normally wouldn't like my friends bringing pets to my parties, but he assured me it would be no trouble.
The party was quite busy when I heard his van arrive. It was dark, so I couldn't see clearly, but I saw him getting something out of the back. And it was big - perhaps a Doberman or Alsatian on a lead.

I heard the doorbell ring, and I knew it was Cal with his pet. I opened the door, and he said, "Hi Charlie, hope you don't mind me bringing my pet Gimp with me."

He walked in, pulling a lead, on the end of which was the... creature. It would be easy to say that it was just a guy dressed head to foot in a rubber suit. It must have been that, but what a suit!

I could see no human flesh at all. Every inch of him was shiny smooth black rubber. He sat squat on his haunches, with all four limbs on the floor. Each limb ended in what I guess you'd call a hoof, with a round base and no fingers or toes I could see. His head looked nothing like a human head. His eyes were one of the few breaks from the smooth rubber surface - they had black plastic or glass panels, which may have let him see out, but prevented anyone from seeing anything of him. And where is mouth might have been, there was a short thin tube which I guess would enable him to breath and drink. As far as I could see, his body was otherwise smooth and featureless. Even though I know it must have been a person inside the suit, the lack of any facial expression or even eye movement made it easy to take him for some other sort of creature entirely.

Cal walked towards a group of people, and as he pulled the lead, the rubber creature followed behind him, moving his four limbs more like a dog than a person. Cal announced, "Hello, everyone, I'd like you to meet my pet Gimp. He's quite friendly, although he's not very used to crowds yet - this is his first time out." He bent over to the Gimp and unclipped the lead from the chain around his neck, saying, "Go on, boy, go meet the nice people."

The Gimp walked around the group, in and out between people. He seemed to sniff some of their crotches and some of their arses. Most people didn't know what to make of it. We all knew that Cal was into some strange things, but we'd not seen anything like that before. Some people patted the Gimp like he was a dog. Some carefully touched his rubber like they'd not seen it before, which perhaps they hadn't.

I got a drink for Cal, and said, "Should I get anything for... him... err, for your pet... err, your Gimp? Is it a he-Gimp or a she-Gimp?"

He thought. "I'm not sure, I don't think Gimps have a gender - you can see it doesn't have any genitals. Could you get a bowl of water for him - I mean for it?"

I got the bowl of water, and took it to Cal, but by then the Gimp had wandered off somewhere.

"No problem," he said, "Gimps have hearing like dogs." He took a whistle from his pocket and blew into it, but I couldn't hear anything. But the Gimp came running in to Cal.

"There you go, boy, have a good drink." The Gimp put his mouth tube into the bowl, and the water level went down.

I said to Cal, "So it is a boy, then?"

"That's just a term of affection - I have to call it something."

"So who's the boy inside the boy?"

"Ah, tonight he's just enjoying being a Gimp."

The Gimp looked up at Cal, and underneath all that rubber I'm sure he was smiling.

The night drew on, and people got used to having a pet around the party.

Cal relaxed, and I got to know the real story. A friend was staying with Cal for a week. The guy, Dave, was a big fan of rubber and bondage, and had a fantasy about being in full rubber gear in a place where no-one knew him, or had ever seen him out of his rubber gear. It seemed to be working - the people at the party were just treating him like a pet now, because they hadn't seen him any other way.

I even found out how the whistle worked. The Gimp didn't really have dog hearing, it was just a trick. As Cal was holding the whistle with one hand, the other was in his pocket pressing a button on the remote control for a vibrator, which the Gimp would feel as a signal for him to find his Master. I didn't ask where the vibrator was about the Gimp's body, but I could guess.

I walked over to where the Gimp was, and noticed that along his back he did have a small ridge breaking the otherwise smooth surface. It was a zip, and at the back of his neck, under the chain, was a small box with a keyhole - it must be where the zip runners were locked together, stopping him escaping from the suit.

At that moment I thought, what if this guy wasn't into this stuff at all? What if he was being kept trapped inside this suit against his will? I knelt down, looked into his black eyes, and said, "Are you okay in there?"

He stared back with a blank expression. But that was the only expression he had - with no visible eyes or mouth, there was no way of knowing what he was thinking.

I said, "Is there anything you want?"

He stared for a moment, then put his front limbs around my leg. I stood, and he moved forward to hug my leg. Then he started moving up and down - he was humping it!

But, after a short while, he stopped, curled up into a ball, and made a quiet groaning sound, his front hooves clutching at his groin.

Cal came over and smiled at him. "Did he try to hump your leg or something? He should know better than to try that." Cal leaned over to me and whispered, "Ring of spikes around his cock stop him getting hard."

The Gimp seemed to have recovered - he went over to sit beside his Master, who stroked his head.

Then I realised, all night this guy had not just been dressed as a pet, he had been acting as one too. There's no way he would have played the part so well unless he was a willing participant in the game.

"Ah, that's better, at last I can move my jaw!"

My mouth had been aching for the last few hours of the party, having had a gag secured tight into it all night. I hardly dared to open my eyes. They had got so used to staring through the dark shaded eyepieces, now that the hood was off even the weakest light would be blinding.

Cal said, "So, did you enjoy it then? Was it all you expected?"

I replied, "Oh, yes, it was fantastic! It really felt like I was just a pet, and the others seemed to treat me like it too."

I went to rub my head, but I just bashed it with the hoof still at the end of my arm. I said, "It was really important that I couldn't speak or pick things up, too."

Cal unzipped the rest of my outer suit. "So two layers of rubber wasn't too much then?"

"No rubber is ever too much! I've got used to treating my main suit like my skin now, so it wasn't much harder dealing with another on top. It did get quite hot though."

Cal peeled down the top half of my Gimp suit, to leave only the full body rubber suit I had been wearing all weekend so far. It was relative luxury compared to the Gimp suit, since it had proper eye and mouth holes, and separate fingers on the gloves.

At last I uncurled my fingers from the handles inside the Gimp suit's hooves, and Cal peeled the suit's arms down mine.

He asked, "Did you piss in the suit?"

"No, but I could do with one now."

My main suit kept my cock in a sheath, which had a crotch cover zipped over it. The drainage tube of the sheath came out of the top of the crotch cover, but if I'd pissed in the Gimp suit it would have just filled the inside of the suit.

I stood up and flexed my fingers as Cal pulled the rest of the Gimp suit off me. I felt relatively free, now being in only one rubber suit.

I had made an arrangement with Cal before I arrived - for the whole of the weekend, as well as all week and all next weekend, I would remain locked into this suit. The main access zip, arse zip and codpiece zip were all locked up by Cal, and the main zip would stay locked for at least another week, whatever else we did. But Cal had his rules, too. I wasn't allowed to cum for 2 weeks before we met, and once he locked the suit onto me, he also locked a ring of spikes around my cock, which was normally okay but got very painful if I got hard.

After I'd gone for a piss, Cal said, "It's late, so we'd better go to bed. You're in the cage tonight."

We went to his bedroom, where at the foot of his bed he had a cage, just big enough to lie in curled up. He unlocked the door at one end.

I said, "You know, that vibrating buttplug is still up my arse."

"Is it uncomfortable?"

"No, just quite filling."

He smiled. "Then you can enjoy being filled all night! I might even turn it on by remote control a few times."

He put a pair of handcuffs onto my wrists behind my back, then helped me crawl into the cage before locking the door. He said, "There's only one more thing I need, and that's a good sucking!" as he unzipped his jeans.

Cal had told me it would do the shop some good, and it certainly had. Wednesdays were usually quiet, but I'm sure people who'd been in had told their friends to come in too. Of course, most of them didn't realise what they were looking at. They would come into my fetish shop, and once they'd passed the rubber and leather catsuits by the door, there eyes would fall on the rack in the middle of the store.

Most of my regulars would be used to seeing the rack there, but usually empty. Today, they saw the mannequin strapped down to the rack, in full body rubber gear.

When they asked, I told them that most mannequins weren't flexible enough to be posed on the rack, but someone had leant me a particularly flexible one. Technically all this was true, and most of the customers believed it. But some of the more astute ones noticed the mannequin's chest moving up and down slightly, and a small amount of water vapour misting up the inside of the eyes of the gasmask it was wearing. Then they would touch it, and might feel the rubber a little warmer than it should be, and if they touched it in a sensitive area, they would see the mannequin reacting.

Then they asked me, and I had to admit that it was actually a rubber bondage fan who had been put there on show all day by his friend, and that he had been strapped down on the rack at 10am, and would not be released until 6pm. It was surprising how many people asked if I was planning to do it again, and if so did I need a volunteer to be tied up.

Mid-afternoon, once the shop was empty, I went over to check on Dave. I loosened the straps on his gasmask, pulled it off his face, then unbuckled and removed his gag. He moved his jaw, stretching the stagnant muscles.

I asked, "How are you doing in there?"

He croaked, "Okay."

"Do you want a drink?"

He nodded, so I put the straw of a drinking bottle up to his mouth. He sucked hard on it.

I asked, "How are your muscles doing?"

"It's quite a strain," he said, "but it's not too bad."

I rattled a bunch of keys. "I think you're due for another stretching then!"

I unlocked the padlock on the rack's winching mechanism. I pushed the wheel around by one notch, which pulled the ropes attached to his hands by about half an inch. It was not much, but he was very far stretched already, so he cried out. I asked, "How's that feel."

"Painful... but it will... be okay... when I get... used to it."

I could see the strain on his face, having to put up with his limbs being pulled apart. "You can always give up, you know, but once you've failed, then you've failed."

"No, I'll... carry on. How much... longer is it?"

"You know I'm not allowed to answer that. You'll be released when John comes for you, and not before."

I tried to imagine what it must be like for him stretched inside his rubber prison. "You must be feeling very horny in there."

He smiled through the strain. "Yes... I am..."

I put my hand on his crotch pouch, and felt a hard bulge inside it. I said, "Bet you'd love to cum now," as I squeezed the bulge.

He grimaced, and said, "Yes love to... but spikes in cock... very painful."

Cal had told me about that, but I'd forgotten. Getting hard on the rack, then getting the pain from the spiked ring, must be doubly difficult to endure - I don't know how he managed.

I gagged him and gasmasked him, and left him to enjoy himself, modelling for the next customer.

He'd been a good boy, and it had been a good week.

When he first told me he wanted to be kept locked in a rubber suit all week, I didn't think he'd make it. I've known other guys fantasise about doing that, but after three or four days, the novelty wears off and practical problems set in, and they want out. But Dave has kept wanting more, not less. He even managed all day on the rack in the fetish shop. For the last few days of the week he was butt-plugged almost all the time. I experimented with bondage positions on him at one time, and he managed to stay in what looked like quite a painful strict hogtie position for nearly three hours before giving up.

For his last day, he deserved a treat, and he was going to get one.

I opened the back of the van, to find him just where I left him, lying on the floor of the van, rubber suited as usual, arms and legs tied down to the corners. I untied his hands, saying, "We're here!" He untied his feet, and we left the van to walk into the house. It's just as well the house was in its own private land, since the sight of a man in full rubber might have alarmed the neighbours.

Dave had no idea where we were, or why, but this was the house of an old friend of mine, who was into similar hobbies to mine. He also had a friend into similar things to Dave, so we thought we should get them together. "You're not the only Gimp, you know," I said as I rang the doorbell. "My friend Stephen has one too."

His face lit up. "Ah, will I get to meet him?"

"Oh yes, you'll meet it, and get to know it quite well!"

Stephen opened the door, and showed us into a room. He said, "You can prepare yourselves here."

I opened up a bag of toys, most of which Dave would recognise from the last week. I found a single arm binder, and turned Dave around so I could strap it onto him. Soon both his rubber clad hands were poking out of the bottom of a tight leather tube enclosing his arms. I tightened some straps around his shoulders to stop it slipping down, then tightened the rear lacing again.

I pulled out a bunch of keys, and waived a few small ones in front of him, saying, "This is what you've been looking forward to!"

I unlocked the zip of the crotch cover, and pulled it down. His rubber sheathed cock fell down, already quite hard but still ringed with spikes. I rubbed the head of his cock sheath, and said, "How has it been, having to endure such pain every time you got hard?"

He said, "Very painful and frustrating, Sir," but I could see he was speaking despite the pain in his cock he was feeling right then.

"Would you like to be free of it?"

"Oh, yes please, Sir!"

I put one of the small keys into a hole in the ring of spikes, and it clicked open and fell away.

Dave cried, "Ah, free!"

I said, "This is why I secured your hands first, to keep you from temptation."

I went back to the toy bag and pulled out a leather hood, which had a large rubber bung to fill his mouth. I laced it up tight at the back, to push the bung hard into his mouth. It had eye holes, but they were small and pointed directly forward, giving him tunnel vision. The hood had a number of D-rings around the collar - I clipped a lead to the centre ring and pulled him along.

I found a radiator, pushed Dave down to his knees, tied the lead to the radiator pipes, and said, "Don't go away, I'll be back in a moment."

I had only stepped into the corridor when I met Stephen. He said, "My Gimp is ready. How about yours?"

I replied, "Mine too, I'll bring him over."

I went to get Dave, and dragged him by his lead to another room. Dave found it a little tricky walking when he didn't have his arms in the usual place, but he had had opportunities before to get used to it.

There we saw Stephen's Gimp. It was dressed completely in shiny black rubber, no flesh visible anywhere, strapped down to a small frame. It was lying on its stomach on top of the frame, but with its legs bent and strapped to the sides of the frame it was lying on. Its hands were crossed behind it, each hand touching the opposite elbow, but wrapped up so that no details such as fingers were visible.

As with all Gimps, it had a severe hood on. This one only had small nose holes - there were no eye or mouth details at all, although I'm sure there was a gag inside it. I could hear a quiet buzzing sound, and I looked to Stephen. He said, "Just to keep it amused."

I pulled Dave forwards so he was standing behind the strapped up Gimp, and tied his lead to the other Gimp's bound arms, to stop the two moving apart.

I said to Stephen, "Would you like to do the honours then?" Stephen picked up a jar of lubricant, then walked over to his Gimp. He unzipped its arse, and liberally spread the lube over the bare flesh.

He stepped back to sit in one of a pair of armchairs a few feet from the Gimp couple, then gestured for me to sit in the other. I sat, then shouted, "Well, boy? Go for it!"

We watched as Dave assessed his situation, then experiment with carefully prodding the other Gimp's arse with his own sheathed cock. He pushed his cock in, and I heard a low moan from the other Gimp.

Stephen got up to pour us both a sherry, and we sipped it as we watched this gyrating mass of rubber, leather, bondage, and, somewhere inside it all, two humans.

After a time, Dave worked out his rhythm, and how best to pull against the lead to give the best thrust into the helpless Gimp. Despite them both being gagged, I could hear both of them moaning and groaning as their two bodies worked into and out of each other.

Within ten minutes, Dave let out a great long grunt, as he trust hard and made the other Gimp cry out. Then Dave fell slack, lying down on the other Gimp's back, exhausted, spent. I pulled him up, untied his lead, and took him back into the other room.

I unlaced his hood and pulled it off, and then I unlocked his suit zip and pulled his rubber hood forward. For the first time in over a week, I saw his face and he felt fresh air on it.

Exhausted, he said, "Wow, that was an incredible end to an amazing week. I've never cum so hard!"

As I unlaced his arm binder, he talked about the experience, and about all the other things that had happened to him over the week.

He said, "So who was that other Gimp I fucked? I don't even know if it was a man or a woman."

I smiled. "It's neither, it's just a Gimp!"
Posted by Saltation_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
Can you tell me where they are?

hmmm.
sfg here is starting to sound like a troll.
sfg: you could, at any time, read your own posts.

theoretical pathological example used for illustrative purposes

Does that mean anything more than 'example'?

yes.
in this instance, you could read MY post. perhaps even just the bit you quoted.

it's not rocket science.
Posted by cal_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
teim to complete the task on a postit on my desk: "start logging ips of iamcal forum posts"

:)
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
"Sally" needs her/his head read. Gross.

Evenin' Cal, what are you doing up so late?
Posted by WarHead, around 24th October 2005:
 
Are you saying I am the one who smells?


No, I was implying you might be the kind of person who hangs around men's loos.


Warhead, what's happened to your blog? I get an error when I go there....


It's still there and it's still not worth looking at, in fact even less than it uset to be, since I deleted most of it. Can't understand why you got an error message. You are going to warhead1954.blogspot.com
, are you not?
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
Salt
1) Troll? What, am I going to start asking for money to cross a bridge?
2) the reason I asked you to point out where these posts were is because the point (or one of them) of this thread is that my English doesn't let me argue things well. It would be nice to know why.
3) Réellement, je vous parle une langue différente, tellement oui, en fait, il est la science de fusée. Quelque chose que vous rendez, naturellement, bien compte de. Chacun regardent Saltation! Chacun regardent Saltation! FFS.
Posted by WarHead, around 24th October 2005:
 
Let's parlez Franglais!!
Posted by ellipse, around 24th October 2005:
 
no thanks i failed that at school
Posted by Saltation_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
*tsk*
now you've misspelled SFG
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
Hehehe
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 24th October 2005:
 
“Réellement, je vous parle une langue différente, tellement oui, en fait, il est la science de fusée. Quelque chose que vous rendez, naturellement, bien compte de. Chacun regardent Saltation! Chacun regardent Saltation! FFS"

Really, you speak the language differently, I’m telling you, you are the fussy scientist. Naturally, you’ve got it goin’ ON! Everybody look at Salty! Everybody look at Salty! Feur Feuk Seek.

(Am I close? Please translate!)
Posted by SuperFunGordon_DUPE1, around 25th October 2005:
 
Yeah, close (:
Actually, I speak a different language to you, so yes, it is rocket science. Something that, of course, you are well aware of.