Posted by
akay, 29th November 2005:
Please nominate who you think the biggest wankers in the world are??
(Nominate from all continents if possible!)
My nomimations are..
TOM CRUISE (USA)
JOHNNO COLEMAN (UK.. Australia no longer are accountable)
MERV SKILTON (AUS..
www.merv.com.au ???)
Posted by
bumdog, 29th November 2005:
SEAL!!111
Posted by
Grim..., 29th November 2005:
Can I choose Davina McCall?
Posted by
beargod, 29th November 2005:
Mick Hucknall?
Posted by
Brock, 29th November 2005:
/me checks to see if his name has been mentioned yet.
I imagine that if Syl was here still, I would have been... :)
that merv skilton site is cringeworthy. did you check out his "About" page?
mind you, i'll forgive him lots in return for his splendid
Babe of the Month page:
that's the long-awaited butt of the Lost mega-babe! fantastic
heh heh:
www.shamozzle.com/dailydave...
Multimedia identity Mervyn E. Skilton has embarked on a mercy mission to the Top End to investigate these mysterious disappearances.
After two weeks of exhaustive investigation, Merv found the cause of the problem - a rather drunk saltwater croc.
Merv, a much admired entrepreneur from Mirboo South, near Mirboo North, Victoria, was photographed in full flight recently, posing with the lethal crocodile. "A crocodile," Merv explained to the gathering media throng, “is a large, lizard like creature with very big teeth."
Posted by
WarHead, 29th November 2005:
David Dickinson.
Posted by
beargod, 29th November 2005:
ant and dec
Posted by
WarHead, 29th November 2005:
Mr T.
Posted by
Grim..., 29th November 2005:
Didn't Seal marry some fit chick?
Posted by
Grim..., 29th November 2005:
Heidi Klum - that's it!
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Posted by
Grim..., 29th November 2005:
Boo!
Posted by
Brock, 29th November 2005:
Fucker. Beat me to it.
Man, she must have a thing for acne scars. Or big black man cock, maybe.
Posted by
Sul, 29th November 2005:
She definitely got a little bit crazy.
Posted by
ellipse, 29th November 2005:
she hooked up with seal after that crusty old racing guy dumped her when she was up the duff.
Posted by
WarHead, 30th November 2005:
It looks a little like he's 'hooking up' in that pic.
Getting back to wankers .... Chris Eubank?
Posted by
Alfie, 30th November 2005:
Chris Eubankrupt
Posted by
bumdog, 30th November 2005:
June Sarpong
Posted by
Alfie, 30th November 2005:
That muppet who is on with June Sarpong.
Posted by
WarHead, 30th November 2005:
Grim.
Posted by
beargod, 30th November 2005:
keanu Reeves
Pierce Brosnan
Posted by
Grim..., 30th November 2005:
Grim.
Oi! =[
Posted by
Hanni, 30th November 2005:
Eubank.
Posted by
bumdog, 1st December 2005:
The entire cast of Hollyoaks.
Posted by
bumdog, 1st December 2005:
...and Phil Redmond for casting that abortion of a show on our world.
Posted by
Grim..., 1st December 2005:
As if no-one has mentioned Bush or Blair yet!
Posted by
beargod, 1st December 2005:
Too obvious Grim...
Posted by
bumdog, 2nd December 2005:
pwned!
too obvious? i culdn't agree more.
Posted by
akay, 3rd December 2005:
Saltation.. now that was a C unt of a posting.. nice one!..
ain't it ironic that under every Bush you will find a C unt!
Posted by
Brock, 4th December 2005:
That's a very bad potatoshopped image, Salti. You could at least have put some effort in.
Posted by
WarHead, 4th December 2005:
Shopped or not, I like this one.
ha!ha! they've switched the queen's torso&head with the guy next to her!
Posted by
WarHead, 5th December 2005:
I like the smug look on his face.
I wouldn't dare do that next to the queen. I'd be too scared of her finding out and sending them Busby-wearing beefticklers round to stove in the offending member.
biggest wanker : keanu reeves (however you spell it) i'll never know why they chose him for the matrix. boo.
To whom it may concern..
My people who look after Googling my name came across this thread, and I am not a happy man.. Can anybody explain what the hell my name's doin' on that list??.. heads are gunna roll.. do you know who I am?
Regards Mervyn E. Skilton (The Thirst)
Managing director of
www.merv.com.au
Posted by
Brock, around 29th January 2006:
Easy. You're a wanker. Does that help?
Yay! He's the managing director of a web site!
Oh, and a wanker.
Posted by
Saltation, around 29th January 2006:
www.mdwanker.com.hey-you
Posted by
ellipse, around 29th January 2006:
wtf?
I must say, I'm not very impressed with my reception here.. I was expecting a much bigger welcome, considering who I am.
-------------------------
BiG MERV.. BiG DoWnUnDeR..
www.merv.com.au
Posted by
Brock, around 29th January 2006:
"considering who I am."
Even if you were (which you're not) that is precisely the reason why you wouldn't get a better reception, as well you know...
(/me can't decide if it's Doc or Salti...)
Posted by
syl, 30th January 2006:
No it's definitely Merv.
Posted by
syl, 30th January 2006:
Merv don't take any notice of them, they'll warm to you after a while. Actually no they won't, but you'll get used to the abuse.
GET USED TO THE ABUSE!
Posted by
Grim..., 30th January 2006:
Who the hell was Akay, anyway?
Posted by
syl, 30th January 2006:
I haven't the foggiest, but he was around long enough to start a new thread? I don't recall many replies from him?
RE: OFFICIAL PUBLIC APOLOGY FROM THE HEAD OFFICE OF
WWW.MERV.COM.AU
Tuesday 31st January 2006
Dear Grim, Syl & whom else it may concern..
(note: Brock excluded, he is a prick)
Akay worked for me in the
www.merv.com.au promotion department, & not exactly to my satisfaction at many times, he was a blatant spam artist.. spaming
www.merv.co.au all over the world & beyond!.. therefore here I am on Iamcal to restore the good spamfree name of
www.merv.com.au ..unfortunately he recently suffered a very nasty workplace accident in the
www.merv.com.au telemarketing call room in India ..I don't think you'll be hearing much from Akay for a while in his current condition!.. Karma finally got Akay, Karma is one of my security blokes, a very big bastard!.. my apology on behalf of
www.merv.com.au goes out to all you good folk.
Regards from Mervyn E. Skilton (The Thirst)
Managing Director & CEO of
www.merv.com.au a division of
www.sHaMoZzLe.com
Posted by
Gary, around 31st January 2006:
...(note: Brock excluded, he is a prick)...
Teehee! :D
Posted by
Brock, around 31st January 2006:
Should you decide to post again, could you please post some sort of clue to your personal site? It is such a bind looking through all the Google hits for "Annoying twat Merv Skilton" to see your home page.
You could at
least make it easier for us!
Yeah Brock.. I have decided to post again.. my last post YOU arrogant piece of shit!.. this site is not big enough for the both of us..
Merv Skilton has left the building.. sorry Ladies!.. blame Brock!
Ooo Roo from BiG MERV DoWnUnDeR..
www.merv.com.au
Posted by
Sul, around 31st January 2006:
Awww. That's a shame, eh Brock? He really got your bag too. :(
Posted by
Brock, around 31st January 2006:
Nah. Not even an extra bpm...
Posted by
syl, around 31st January 2006:
Call me sick, but I like the idea of a great big "security" guy called "Karma". Can't you lend him to me for a few weeks, Merv? I've got a few people he can "sort out" ;)
Posted by
Grim..., around 31st January 2006:
Cal - block this thread from the search engines to foil MERV's plans =]
My name is Stu Kelly and I'm the biggest wanker
My name is Scott Mark Williams and i beg to differ with Stu Kelly, he is an all round good egg! I am in actual fact the biggest wanker
o yes, sorry your right Scott. I don't wank that much because the doctor told me not to after my sex change surgery. My mistake
yeah i had to have one because you kept trying to sleep with me you stalker, now im an a-sexual just like Linda Williams
you're all wrong. my ex was the biggest wanker - it was like trying to sleep in a water bed
Nah, Merv is number one. You can share second.
yeah, ok I'll concede on that.
Dont normally do sharing but hey - new day, new experience
Posted by Grim..., 2 months ago:
Cal - block this thread from the search engines to foil MERV's
www.merv.com.au plans =]
It's too late Grim.. it's like a bloody big
www.merv.com.au snowball rolling down the hill.. growin' bigger and bigger.. then hitting a tree and breaking in 2 snowballs which keep growin' into 2 bloody big snowballs which then hit trees and break into a total of 4.. etc.. etc.. get the drift???
Posted by
Grim..., around 11th April 2006:
I've actually taken a look at that site for the first time.
My God! It's fucking horrible!
Posted by Grim..., 29 minutes ago:
"I've actually taken a look at
www.merv.com.au for the first time.
My God! It's fucking horrible!"
I can't argue with you on that one Grim, my wwwebmeister is an Extra from Brokeback Mountain.. how bloody gay does my site look???..
I hope he bloody well sees your comment when he's doin' his google searches!!!
Thanks mate.
Posted by
Grim..., around 11th April 2006:
Oh no, Merv - he's a genius. It suits you down to the ground.
Hey Grim.. what are YOU tryin' to say about
www.merv.com.au ?
Posted by
Brock, 13th April 2006:
FUCK, I am so bored of your constant self promotion.
Either talk about something else or FUCK OFF.
yeah, really. merv, take your would-be bandwagon and fuck off.
constantly hanging tickets on yourself might have been amusing if we'd asked you to. we didn't. you wanna participate? great. you wanna spam? no.
Hey Grim, Brock & Saltation.. i didn't start this thread, I just came here to defend my honour after finding the posting by that Akay prick, through Googling my own name..
Posted by akay, 5 months ago:
Please nominate who you think the biggest wankers in the world are??
(Nominate from all continents if possible!)
My nomimations are..
TOM CRUISE (USA)
JOHNNO COLEMAN (UK.. Australia no longer are accountable)
MERV SKILTON (AUS..
www.merv.com.au )
Posted by
Brock, 18th April 2006:
See? Again you can't post anything at all without posting a link to your employers site. Thus trying to use someone's personal site solely for commercial gain.
Cunt.
Please die soon from your own tedium.
Posted by
davros, 18th April 2006:
biggest wanker in the world? - James Blunt
Posted by
Mathos, 18th April 2006:
- account disabled -
Sorry Brock to upset you so much.. I didn't realize you were so up tight, otherwise I would have ended the joke sooner!
P.S. NOTE: a message without any commercial gain!
merv, once or twice would be a joke.
constant spamming is not humour, it's tedium.
thanks for toning it down.
mathos- i'd say "ahhhhh... get a big black hairy dog upya" , but we charge extra for that. until then, the world will have to continue wanking clandestinely* with chuck norris.
* Clandestine is of course a secret country in the Levant, known for not being known, and for the export of virgin olive oil and virgin oily 25 year olds with beards almost as heavy as their body odour. The Clandestine Tourist Board advertises the delights of the country openly but can not say which country it is nor how to find it, and the staff's frustration rapidly reduces them to broken weeping hollow shells. It is in fact easy to enter Clandestine (usually accidentally) as there are NO border guards, these having been deemed "A Dead Giveaway", location-wise, by the Ministry Of. That is in fact the only known name of the Ministry, though the general supposition is that the third word is "Secrecy".
Posted by
Sul, 18th April 2006:
*Clandestine is what a group of people aspire to be.
Posted by
Alfie, 19th April 2006:
I thought it was a Scottish person's digestive system.
you're thinking of the very-late-to-invade bunch of germans who woke up with a violent hangover on the scottish beach long after all the other saxons had buggered off south, and wandered into town desperate for a hare of the doch, carrying their glasses with them. they looked so hangdog and cute, they were adopted and named after their downfall.
Gidday all.. I'd like to nominate myself.. I was acting like a complete wanker.. I've stopped drnkin'... I've now been dry for 3 hours!
more than we can say for that floor. "ewww!" next step in your 12 step programme, merv, is bladder control. step 3 is voting, step 4 is reading the ballot card.
www.totgelacht.com/content/...
Justin Lee Collins.
The guy is an offensive, puerile, egotistical, attention-seeking TWAT.
And he speaks with a Bristol accent.
He poked fun at Michael J Fox's Parkinson's Disease on Channel 4's "Bring Back...The A-Team" last week.
I wouldn't normally wish it on anyone, but I'll make an exception for this bearded clam.
Who is Justin Lee Collins.. don't know him in Australia mate????
Posted by
Grim..., around 4th June 2006:
The guy is an offensive, puerile, egotistical, attention-seeking TWAT.
Bloody hell, I seem to spend half my life defending JLC - but yes, the Parkinsons' joke wasn't in the best taste. I dunno... I just like his accent and beard.
My nomination for biggest twat is probably Nasser Hussain (you can tell what I've been up to all day). Or possibly Joseph Goebbels. It's a tough decision.
I don't know who this Merv bloke is, but he's an Aussie and proud, so is probably a twat.
Posted by
syl, 6th June 2006:
%Yeah, that was a really intelligent comment...
What? Michael J Fox? Teen Wolf? Toni Hart hanging out of the back of Andi Peters?
If Michael J Fox is going to go around having Parkinson's disease, he deserves a bit of mild ribbing...
On the subject of mild ribbing, why couldn't John Paul II use contraception?
He had Parkinson's disease.
tell us the blue period joke again, unca doc! gwan gwan gwan gwan!
So my sister just had twins! She's going to call them Garth and Simon.
Posted by
Miki, around 6th June 2006:
I remember that joke!
But I've forgotten the punchline :(
Posted by
Alfie, around 6th June 2006:
I guess that makes him "Simon and Garth's Uncle"
oh dear oh dear Doc.
(is that the punchline miki)
Posted by
Wally, around 12th June 2006:
Merv, I think you enjoy people not liking you, you seem to be a natural at it!
Posted by
Miki, around 12th June 2006:
oooh yes, thanks alf!
i finally saw Justin Lee Collins. on that friday night project thing.
he... didn't really seem to do much. all the "comedy" bits were dominated by that alan carr chap who is (A) not funny, and (B) not funny. unless you're a fan of harry hill or those "they think it's all over" guys and fall about the place if someone pulls a face or strikes an odd pose, and squeaks.
(which, given HH & TTIAO's ratings, appears to be a substantial proportion of britain)
he basically came across like an energetic version of jonathon ross: not exactly INcompetent, but not remotely someone who adds entertainment to tv.
the big difference between him and "wossy", based on my VAST experience (and disinterest) in both, is that jlc comes across as a nice enough bloke being paid large sums to frig around on tv who can't quite believe his luck and can't quite work out what to do, whereas wossy comes across as someone being paid large sums to frig around on tv (now: £18mm) who is not a nice bloke but rather a very deliberate --and very smug with the result-- parasite.
that's just tv impressions though. jlc & jw may be quite different in person or on stage. e.g. i've been told that tv-ultra-bore jimmy carr is actually spectacular in live stand-up. horses for courses.
so anyway, i don't know that we should bucket jlc so much as the groupthink braindeath which clutches the children working in the media organs who make the decisions about what we really do, and really mustn't, want to watch. he's just another person plucked out of another venue and arbitrarily thrown into a venue where, if he just sits tight and doesn't piss off the gatekeepers, he can look forward to a life of spectacular wealth. i don't have to watch him, so good luck to him and i hope it works out for him. it WOULD be nice if genuinely talented people got the nod rather than lucky people. but how are you going to change the basic human patterns of several thousand (recorded) years?
Phocion ruled Athens as Macedonia's agent with great moderation and personal honesty. In the power struggle after the death of the regent in 319BC, however, he was deposed, convicted of treason, and executed by Athenians hoping to restore democracy. Shortly afterward the Athenians decreed a public burial and a statue in his honour.
-- Encyclopaedia Britannica
Plura faciunt homines et consuetidine, quam et ratione.
Man does more from habit than from reason.
-- Horace
Posted by
loz, around 20th June 2006:
- account disabled -
disabled!!!... how does that happen!??
Posted by
Sul, around 24th July 2006:
Well when a mummy loves a daddy VEEEERRRRY much and mummy likes smoking VEEEERRRYYY much too then the baby stalk bring along a tiny baby, smaller than most so it doesn't hurt the mummy who smoked so much to protect the baby in it's landing. Then the baby coughs, has rickets and is unable to poke its tongue out and is declared disabled. Then some birds lapdance and some bees sting you.
Dear god. That's more or less an accurate description of the weekend before last.
Posted by
syl, around 26th July 2006:
Sul=Doc
Posted by
Sul, around 26th July 2006:
Maybe. I don't remember typing that at all.
Posted by
Miki, around 26th July 2006:
well you both rock
Tha*ks Sul.. y*u are a big F*** *f i*f*rmati**... sorry ab*ut the typi*g s*meb*dy fucked *f with my *,* & * keys *f my keyb*ard!!??
Posted by
syl, 28th July 2006:
***k **f
Syl.. would you like to buy a vowel?..
actually you'll need 2 vowels.. "O".."U"
and I'll throw in an "F 'n' C"
Posted by
syl, 24th September 2006:
Howzit Merv! How are ya?
Okay now.. but 2 months ago when ya asked , I was a bit shit!
..how all you guys going?
Posted by
Clara, around 10th November 2006:
Good thanks Merv... :)
I nominate Poofy Puffy Diddy Daddy or whatever his name is this week..
..he makes me want to vomit!!
did I mention I absolutely hate P.Diddy (he thinks he's a eminem) & his bloody pimple ads on late night TV.. do you have to put up with those crap pimple ads every night in The States?, and to make it worse, when you change channels, he's on the next bloody channel as well with more pimple shit, how the hell does he do this plus Jessica Simpson or Clarkson or Spears (all the same.. they all shit me with their pimple crap!!).. I've had enough of pimple crap hijacking my late night TV here downunder in Australia.
I'm a wanker... and bloody proud.. did I tell ya i was on Radio London?.. here's the Video Clip
www.shamozzle.com/BiGLRadio...
Posted by
arsepuppy, around 31st December 2007:
Hate to bump - but I have to cast another vote in the direction of one Mr Justin Lee Collins.
Had the utter misfortune of catching an episode of The Friday Night Shitstorm last night (before the horror of the League of Gentlemen film - absolute dross), and I nearly put my foot through the telly* when that west country Aslan-a-like with his repetoire of student-friendly "Karl Kennedy - LEGEND" jokes shook his jowls in my direction.
Really, the man is the human equivalent of a fucking Spiderpig t-shirt. Grr!
* No, I didn't send channel 4 the bill.
Posted by
WarHead, around 1st January 2008:
May I refer the Honourable Arsepuppy to my nominations in
this thread and congratulate him on his current choice?
