Discussion » 101 Ways To Get Rid Of Jehovah's Witnesses

This is a read-only copy. The forum ran on iamcal.com from 2000 until its database was lost in 2016, and this topic was rebuilt from copies saved by the Internet Archive's Wayback Machine. Some replies may be missing, and its dates are approximate.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 17th July 2006:
 
By Iamcal

1. I haven't been right in the head since I saw Rosemary's Baby
Posted by Sul_DUPE1, around 18th July 2006:
 
2. I already subscribe.
Posted by Grim..., around 19th July 2006:
 
3. [Flash willy / boobies] Witness THIS!
Posted by Grim..., around 19th July 2006:
 
4. Junior! Fetch Pawpa's Eli-fant gun!
Posted by Doctor Lucid_DUPE1, around 19th July 2006:
 
5. bee cannon.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 19th July 2006:
 
6.I'm so glad you're back! The stuff you sold me last month doesn't work and I want to lodge a complaint
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 19th July 2006:
 
7.Hey! I'm Jewish/Muslim/Greek orthodox/Hindu. How DARE you try and convert me! This is against my constitutional rights!
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 19th July 2006:
 
8.[Chomp a whole clove of garlic. Launch into an intimate "summary" of what they told you the last time they came round]
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 19th July 2006:
 
9.[Keep excusing yourself every 5 minutes to go to the bathroom. While there, make horrendous noises : squelchy, retchy, farty, explosive gut-wrenching noises. Return, apologetic and say that you were in the Congo recently and it must be the water]
Posted by Sul_DUPE1, around 19th July 2006:
 
10. SPACE CLOWNS EAT MY HEAD!!!!!1
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 19th July 2006:
 
hahahaha!
11.Jump on your couch
Posted by Doctor Lucid_DUPE1, around 19th July 2006:
 
12. glue cannon!!
Posted by Doctor Lucid_DUPE1, around 19th July 2006:
 
16. octopus warrior!!
Posted by Doctor Lucid_DUPE1, around 19th July 2006:
 
17. After three...

"She packed my bags last night pre-flight
Zero hour nine a.m.
And i'm gonna be high as a kite by then
I miss the earth so much i miss my wife
It's lonely out in space
On such a timeless flight

And i think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think i am at home
Oh no no no i'm a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone


Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids
In fact it's cold as hell
And there's no one there to raise them if you did
And all this science i don't understand
It's just my job five days a week
A rocket man, a rocket man

And i think it's gonna be a long long time..."
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 19th July 2006:
 
*wets self*
18.Get a hoola hoop and gyrate around to keep it at your waist.
Continue movement oblivious to the fact that the hoop has fallen to the floor.
Posted by Doctor Lucid_DUPE1, around 19th July 2006:
 
21. spray blood at them; "surprise!! transfusion!!"
Posted by jeffld_DUPE1, 20th July 2006:
 
22. Tell them you are an atheist
Posted by syl_DUPE1, 20th July 2006:
 
Jeffy that will get them bashing your door down even more! ;0)

23.Try to convert them to Satanism. Tell them you've met the Dark Prince.
Posted by Grim..., 20th July 2006:
 
(What happened to 19 and 20?)
Posted by syl_DUPE1, 20th July 2006:
 
Oopsie, Doc did a blapse.
19.Show them all your holiday snaps and photos of your fabulous kids.
20.Ask them to inspect the boil on your arse.
Posted by Sul_DUPE1, 20th July 2006:
 
24. I'm sorry, I have my own cult.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, 20th July 2006:
 
(he's Sul Myung Moon)
Posted by syl_DUPE1, 20th July 2006:
 
(can I be Syl Myung Moon : your sugar-Mommy-bride?)*
*Oops, sorry this isn't the How To Get Rid of Sul thread
Posted by zxenor_DUPE1, 20th July 2006:
 
25. "Oh, my ex used to be mormon too! Until I converted them, of course. Would YOU like to be converted?" *wink*
Posted by Doctor Lucid_DUPE1, around 24th July 2006:
 
True but Slightly Off-Topic Story

So my friend 'Andy' was brought up as a Jehovas Witness but ran away from home when he was 17 and left the fold, to much distress from his family. He them moved to Brighton and I've known him ever since. On Saturday, we were all out of town on a camping trip and Andy was at a loose end. So after having a few ales in a local establishment, he decided to go to some kind of nightclub for some 'drum & bass' night. Probably foolishly, he ended up buying a large quantity of heinous chemicals and bad spangling himself up. He wakes up on the seafront at nine in the morning, a bit confused and still utterly spangled. Rolling eyes, twitching expression, muttering incoherently. So he starts walking home.

On the way home he sees that it's the annual Jehovas Witness convention in the Brighton Centre. So in he goes. He is in there for three hours, being looked after by concerned Jehovas Witnesses and ranting about Witnessing. He (and they) found the whole thing a thoroughly rewarding experience.

However, he didn't return to the fold, and we discovered him fast asleep in Wetherspoons at half past two.

Sorry. Carry on.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 26th July 2006:
 
Yep, Doc it's a dangerous religion. Almost as scary as Islam. ;)
26. Burp and fart at will (so in my case, just act as I normally do)
27. Say Not tonight Josephine, I have a headache
28. Ask them if they wouldn't mind clipping your toenails for you...since you're too fat to reach them yourself
29. Tell them you have periods of catatonia, if it happens they should just slap you violently
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 26th July 2006:
 
(the behaviours described may account for the fact that no-one comes to my house AT ALL)
Posted by Sul_DUPE1, around 26th July 2006:
 
30. Make them dance. Promise to join the fold if they body pop for you.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 26th July 2006:
 
(what's body pop?)
Posted by Sul_DUPE1, around 26th July 2006:
 
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5W1JgBMsvJ0&search=body%20popping)