Discussion » ::MERRY FARTiNG CHRiSTMAS::all @ iamcal.. anybody else feel this way also?..

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Posted by MERV SKILTON, around 19th December 2006:
 
::MERRY FARTiNG CHRiSTMAS::
www.shamozzle.com/MERRYfart...

..that's exactly how I feel after eating all that Christmas crap as I try to sing those crap Christmas Carols which mean Jack Shit to me!!.... not to mention the obligations of having to buy presents for for the dickhead relatives I don't really like.. and the mad stress of driving the wife Shirley around in a last minute rush buying presents with money I don't have by the Christmas Eve midnight deadline.. which only makes the big rich store owner bastards richer and us poor consumer suckers poorer and left with loads of crap products we don't really need or want which you'll see outside my house in 9 months time ready for hard rubbish council collection day..

How about giving the Christmas present or money to someone (or animal) more needy than your perverted asshole Uncle who looks at you as if he's needy of you in a way that makes you sick!!..

..apart from all that, it's a great day!..

So spread my Christmas cheer and grab another cold beer!!..

& Merry Farting Christmas to you all..

Cheers from BiG MERV SKiLTON..
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 20th December 2006:
 
Merry Christmas everyone! Happy Chanukkah AP!
Posted by syl_DUPE1, 21st December 2006:
 
My dear friends,
this is my Christmas wish for you…

I wish you hope, joy and peace
Days filled with warmth and sunshine

I wish you love and grace too
Throughout the coming year
Lots of laughter and happiness
To fill your world with cheer

May you count your blessings, one by one,
And when totalled by the lot
May you find all you've been given
To be more than what you sought

May your journeys be short, your burdens light
May your spirit never grow old
May all your clouds have silver linings
And your rainbows pots of gold
Wishing you a Merry Christmas,
and a beautiful & rewarding 2007…
Posted by Alfie_DUPE1, around 22nd December 2006:
 
I hope I get a sick bucket for Christmas
Posted by Sul_DUPE1, around 22nd December 2006:
 
Merry 'effin Christmas, my friends
'Dont care you hold it dear
Cause if you were in my household
You'd wish that death was near.
Posted by Sul_DUPE1, around 22nd December 2006:
 
Santa gave me an offer,
A sable or escape,
I thought a sable was a ferret
He done me up the Drake.
Posted by Sul_DUPE1, around 23rd December 2006:
 
so hurry down the chimney tonight

cunt


I dont like christmas.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 23rd December 2006:
 
haha! You lot are going to be visited by the three ghosts of Christmas
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 23rd December 2006:
 
Sul, why do you hate Christmas?
Posted by WarHead, around 23rd December 2006:
 
I don't much like Christmas for a number of reasons:

1. I spend a lot of time picking up or taking home members of my family, thus I am unable to enjoy a festive alcoholic drink while all around me are getting wasted.

2. I have to think of a list of pressies for people to get for me, when in fact there's little or nothing that I actually want or need.

3. I have to try to remember all the things that Mrs. WH might like as pressies that she dropped hints about during the whole year as although she insists on my providing a list for myself, she never does one for herself.

4. Most of TV is crappy repeats and I don't get to see the few things I'd like to see as I'll be engaged on other family related activities. and usually I can't record stuff to watch later as either Mrs or Ms WH will already have asked me to record some festive drivel.

5. People who never talk to me at work send me Christmas cards. I have to fight off the guilt in order not to send cards to them.

6. The amount of waste produced by sending cards and wrapping presents.

7. The false bonhomie.

8. The endless washing up.

9. Unwanted visitors in my home.

10. Being expected to know the rules of our Christmas board game.

11. The complaints from the retail sector that this is their worst Christmas ever, quickly followed by the press reporting that sales in the last week before Christmas have broken all previous records.

12. The 'must have' Christmas toy that is out of stock everywhere by the beginning of December (not that I have to find them these days, as there are no young kids in my family, but the whole fiasco still annoys me. Wii, anyone?) and knowing that in many cases the damn things will be broken and/or forgotten about within a short period after Christmas.

I've got more, but I'm depressing myself, so I'll stop for now.
Posted by WarHead, around 23rd December 2006:
 
13. Christmas crackers. They're shit.
Posted by Sul_DUPE1, around 23rd December 2006:
 
I don't particularly like any of my family outside the immediate. Having them in my house and having to converse with them annoys me. I happen to live near both Bluewater shopping centre and Lakeside. Having these means the nearby town highstreets are shit. I therefore have to go shopping in horribly packed conditions. People buy me crap I dont need or have room for. I'd be ok with this if it wasnt for the fact that no thought goes into it and its just a process. Seriously, look in my bathroom, the lack of Purple Ronnie shit isnt because I have not discovered his cheeky wares. It's because they're fucking crap.
And the big clincher is that we have to tiptoe around the emotional volcanic drunk that is my mother and her sidekick, Guilt-trip.
Posted by Alfie_DUPE1, around 23rd December 2006:
 
"2. I have to think of a list of pressies for people to get for me, when in fact there's little or nothing that I actually want or need."

That sounds very familiar.
Posted by Alfie_DUPE1, around 23rd December 2006:
 
Sul, she may be a volacanic drunk with a less than satisfactory sidekick, but at least she cooks a nice Christmas dinner.

;)
Posted by Sul_DUPE1, around 23rd December 2006:
 
mmmmm
Posted by Grim..., around 23rd December 2006:
 
Wii, anyone?

No thanks, I've already got one =]

Happy Yule, everyone.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 23rd December 2006:
 
the emotional volcanic drunk that is my mother and her sidekick, Guilt-trip.

Sul, I laughed so loud at this. Honestly, I even read it out to my Mom, amid bellowing guffaws of laughter. Well said.

Thanks guys that was a great laugh.

Sul, I think next year you must come to Africa for Christmas.
Posted by Cal Henderson, around 25th December 2006:
 
I wish you all
Festive joy
And a great heap of bloody plums
Ripped, untimely
And seeping life juice
Onto the new veneer.

We lurched from feast to feast,
Our bodies wracked with festive pain
And splitting at the seams
Tendrils of straw
Poking out
Like the pointy whiskers
Of as many mice.

Silver spoon in hand
Technique appraised
I tore into brandy butter
Like a cat burglar
Velvet socked
Behind the tapestry
As Gertrude looks on.

Apple bobbing
Has never been so appealing.

A disrobed satsuma lay in my palm, segments beckoning.
Posted by Brock, around 25th December 2006:
 
Cal? Someone has hacked your account and posted stuff. IMPOSTER!!! You can tell because there is your name, followed by some content on the site. A sure sign that it isn't you...

;)

Especially being as they used capital letters... Unless of course, you just cut and pasted that poem, rather than slaved over it to show your appreciation and affection for us....
Posted by Brock, around 25th December 2006:
 
I wish you all
Festive joy
And a great heap of bloody plums

So, sit on a blender for Christmas? Nice. :/
Posted by Sul_DUPE1, around 25th December 2006:
 
But who could this imposter possibly be? I am at a total loss for suspects.
Posted by Senseless, around 25th December 2006:
 
I still haven't gotten my wife anything for Christmas and there is not a garage door opener for sale within 30 miles of me...
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 25th December 2006:
 
Merry Christmas! ♥
Posted by ellipse, around 25th December 2006:
 
countdown till the dr who crimbo special hits bittorrent
Posted by Sul_DUPE1, around 25th December 2006:
 
I got the countdown dvd too!
Posted by syl_DUPE1, 28th December 2006:
 
So, was it shit Sul?
Posted by WarHead, 28th December 2006:
 
countdown till the dr who crimbo special hits bittorrent


Still haven't had time to see it. Was it any good?
Posted by Miki_DUPE1, 28th December 2006:
 
it was nice
would you like us to burn it on dvd and send it ?
Posted by WarHead, 28th December 2006:
 
That's a very kind offer, but one of the guys at my office has lent it to me on tape. Now I just need time to actually watch it.
Posted by Sul_DUPE1, 30th December 2006:
 
My christmas was OK. The combination of Guitar Hero, Singstar, Buzz, Bowling and Super Monkey Ball Hammer Throw on the Wii managed to keep the talking to eachother at a minimum and therefore less chance of an argument. Our lovely British sense of fairness kept the arguments over the games at bay too. Plus I'm awesome at all but Singstar so I was happy keeping all my records.

Oh, that and I fucked off christmas day evening to a mates house with all the games.
Posted by syl_DUPE1, around 31st December 2006:
 
Well, that's alright then. :)
I got the following for Christmas : a portable easel(sp) to paint on, some lovely watercolour paper, underwear, lots of chocolates, some make-up, a lovely jewellery box --- what else? can't remember now.
Posted by WarHead, 2nd January 2007:
 
My daughter got a cold for Christmas and I got one for New Year, as did Mrs WH. My TV also died on the stroke of Midnight on New Year's Eve. We only switched it on to hear Big Ben and it expired just as they were bonging.