How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How the hell did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mystical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman Pantheon and has bought a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via A Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'
The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
Oh and don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
A little story for today.
Last night I finally decided that my two month old motherboard is dead, probably something to do with it spending four days next to the sub boxes in my car. So I trip to Ebuyer (They are very cheap and great quality - take a look around) to get a new one - not the same one, I wanted a bit of an upgrade too, looking to spend around £60, definatly no more that £65 because I haven't got the spare cash at the moment.
I finally choose this bad boy at £90. So I'm £25 over. Then I realise that I'm going to get charged £6 for shipping unless I spend another £10 to get the overall order up to £100. So I'm hunting about, and get a hard drive fan and a PCI board fan which bring the cost to £99.96. I'm 4p short - I need to find a product that costs 4p.
What do I end up buying?
This.
Go figure =]
Just days after blocking access to Google (shown here in l33t haXor form - check it out), the Chinese government has blocked AltaVista. It blames the fact that you can search for 'unsuitable' material on such engines.
China also blocks access to overseas news sites (like the BBC website), which is perhaps understandable, but to ban search engines? What are your thoughts?
Here are instructions on how to hack Doris the Esheep<a/>. Simply hold down CTRL, Shift and ALT and double click on him / her. This will put the sheep into debug mode. Have fun =]
The World Cyber Games have started this weekend.
This morning my boss sent me my customary 'this is what we are doing this week' e-mail. As it was written all in capitals, the e-mail server decided it was spam and attached the following:
"Note from the E-mail Administrator:
This appears to be a potential derogatory mail- Please
contact the Postmaster at this domain if you wish to advise if
this is a valid e-mail or a source of annoying messages.
Regards,
E-mail Administrator"
So, of course, I sent the server a mail saying that it was a source of annoying messages (ones that told me to do work, for example).
Apparently my Bosses e-mail has just "Stopped sending due to abuse". Right at this moment he is looking well confused.
There is a God =]
The past two days have been some of the lowest posting days in iamcal's history =[
Come on people, keep the activity up or Cal will shout at me when he gets back =[
As you seem to like quizes, I am sorting one out for you right now...
I am the mighty Stephen Hawking,
I am dope like LSD,
I am fly I kick it old school,
I'll tell you that for free.
On the stage I rock the mic,
my science is so tight,
other rappers best step off,
I'm bad like Dolamite.
I'm from the streets you know it's true,
my homey's are all dead,
fuck with me you'll join them too,
I'll cap you in the head.
Don't make me get out of this chair,
I'll pop you like a zit,
you step to me as if you bad,
bitch please you ain't got shit.
I'm the mighty Steven Hawking,
The might mighty Steven Hawking,
I'm the mighty Steven Hawking,
Might might mighty Steven Hawking.
If you haven't already, download a song by MC Hawking.
Today I want you to let me know what you think are the funniest things on the web - it may be a picture, story, Flanimation, whatever.
Post the URL's [here](http://www.iamcal.com/topic.php?id=1332), and tomorrow I will compile a poll and link to the top three at the end of the week.
Today is 1nt3rnat10nal L33T day, so I expect to see lots of w00t w00ting and ha><0ring and other silly words in the forums. Celebrate by viewing the quite fantastic 'Tales For The L33t', which is still the funniest thing I have ever seen on the net (put forward your proposals here).
When you've quite finished being L33t I'd like to stealthily nudge your attention toward these other highly amusing things, such as Mr T vs Ali G, Mr T vs Half Life, Mr T Vs Shania Twain, in fact, Mr T vs Anything...
A few months back you may remember Cal jumping on the 'which x are you?' bandwagon with his desk items. Well, if you care, you can find out which EastEnder you are, which Simpson you are, what muppet you closely resemble, who you'd be in the Harry Potter world, Care Bear, Rock Star, High School Stereotype, or Era In Time. And when you've done all that, you can find out which Online Personality Test you are most like.
Good afternoon. First I would like to assure you all that my name does in fact use capital letters. I will also inform you that Cal and I share the same Grandparents, and that's how I know him.
I am currently trying to figure how to change the title of this site to 'iammatt'.
Today I will post part a MSM conversation I had with fellow regular [Sal](http://www.iamcal.com/profile.php?id=2) last night (this is from memory, so apologies to Sal if it's not quite correct).
Squirrell:I've got to go - NTHMY.
Squirrell:Ahem - Nice To Have Met You.
Sally:Ah - silly internet acronyms.
Squirrell:I'm getting sad like that - the other day I said "Lol" in the pub quite loudly.
Sally:Ah, I can be worse than that.
Sally:I woke up one morning, opened my wardrobe and thought "Now where is that link to my skirt?"
Sally:Damnit.
Squirrell:I spent several seconds whilst painting a wall waiting for my brain to inform me why I couldn't find the 'Fill' tool...
Sally:We're just sad, aren't we?